GRENDEL
By John Gardner

And if the Babe is born a Boy
He's given to a Woman Old,
Who nails him down upon a rock,
Catches his shrieks in cups of gold.
--WILLIAM BLAKE


1

The old ram stands looking down over rockslides, stupidly triumphant.
I blink. I stare in horror. "Scat!" I hiss. "Go back to your cave, go
back to your cowshed--whatever." He cocks his head like an elderly,
slow-witted king, considers the angles, decides to ignore me. I stamp.
I hammer the ground with my fists. I hurl a skull-size stone at him.
He will not budge. I shake my two hairy fists at the sky and I let out
a howl so unspeakable that the water at my feet turns sudden ice and
even I myself am left uneasy. But the ram stays; the season is upon
us. And so begins the twelfth year of my idiotic war.

The pain of it! The stupidity!

"Ah, well," I sigh, and shrug, trudge back to the trees.

Do not think my brains are squeezed shut, like the ram's, by the roots
of horns. Flanks atremble, eyes like stones, he stares at as much of
the world as he can see and feels it surging in him, filling his chest
as the melting snow fills dried-out creekbeds, tickling his gross,
lopsided balls and charging his brains with the same unrest that made
him suffer last year at this time, and the year before, and the year
before that. (He's forgotten them all.) His hindparts shiver with the
usual joyful, mindless ache to mount whatever happens near--the storm
piling up black towers to the west, some rotting, docile stump, some
spraddle-legged ewe. I cannot bear to look. "Why can't these creatures
discover a little dignity?" I ask the sky. The sky says nothing,
predictably. I make a face, uplift a defiant middle finger, I and give
an obscene little kick. The sky ignores me, forever unimpressed. Him
too I hate, the same as I hate these brainless budding trees, these
brattling birds.

Not, of course, that I fool myself with thoughts that I'm more noble.
Pointless, ridiculous monster crouched in the shadows, stinking of
dead men, murdered children, martyred cows. (I am neither proud nor
ashamed, understand. One more dull victim, leering at seasons that
never were meant to be observed.) "Ah, sad one, poor old freak!" I
cry, and hug myself, and laugh, letting out salt tears, he he! till I
fall down gasping and sobbing. (It's mostly fake.) The sun spins
mindlessly overhead, the shadows lengthen and shorten as if by plan.
Small birds, with a high-pitched yelp, lay eggs. The tender grasses
peek up, innocent yellow, through the ground: the children of the
dead. (It was just here, this shocking green, that once when the moon
was tombed in clouds, I tore off sly old Athelgard's head. Here, where
the startling tiny jaws of crocuses snap at the late-winter sun like
the heads of baby watersnakes, here I killed the old woman with the
irongray hair. She tasted of urine and spleen, which made me spit.
Sweet mulch for yellow blooms. Such are the tiresome memories of a
shadow-shooter, earth-rim-roamer, walker of the world's weird wall.)
"Waaah!" I cry, with another quick, nasty face at the sky, mournfully
observing the way it is, bitterly remembering the way it was, and
idiotically casting tomorrow's nets.  "Aargh! Yaww!" I reel, smash
trees. Disfigured son of lunatics. The big-boled oaks gaze down at me
yellow with morning, beneath complexity. "No offense," I say, with a
terrible, sycophantish smile, and tip an imaginary hat.

It was not always like this, of course. On occasion it's been worse.

No matter, no matter.

The doe in the clearing goes stiff at sight of my horridness, then
remembers her legs and is gone. It makes me cross. "Blind prejudice!"
I bawl at the splintered sunlight where half a second ago she stood. I
wring my lingers, put on a long face. "Ah, the unfairness of
everything," I say, and shake my head. It is a matter of fact that I
have never killed a deer in all my life, and never will. Cows have
more meat and, locked up in pens, are easier to catch. It is true,
perhaps, that I feel some trifling dislike of deer, but no more
dislike than I feel for other natural things--discounting men. But
deer, like rabbits and bears and even men, can make, concerning my
race, no delicate distinctions. That is their happiness: they see all
life without observing it. They're buried in it like crabs in mud.
Except men, of course. I am not in a mood, just yet, to talk of men.

So it goes with me day by day and age by age, I tell myself. Locked in
the deadly progression of moon and stars. I shake my head, muttering
darkly on shaded paths, holding conversation with the only friend and
comfort this world affords, my shadow. Wild pigs clatter away through
brush. A baby bird falls feet-up in my path, squeaking. With a crabby
laugh, I let him lie, kind heaven's merciful bounty to some sick fox.
So it goes with me, age by age. (Talking, talking. Spinning a web of
words, pale walls of dreams, between myself and all I see.)

The first grim stirrings of springtime come (as I knew they must,
having seen the ram), and even under the ground where I live, where no
light breaks but the red of my fires and nothing stirs but the
flickering shadows on my wet rock walls, or scampering rats on my
piles of bones, or my mother's fat, foul bulk rolling over, restless
again--molested by nightmares, old memories--I am aware in my chest of
tuberstirrings in the blacksweet duff of the forest overhead. I feel
my anger coming back, building up like invisible fire, and at last,
when my soul can no longer resist, I go up--as mechanical as anything
else--fists clenched against my lack of will, my belly growling,
mindless as wind, for blood. I swim up through the firesnakes, hot
dark whalecocks prowling the luminous green of the mere, and I surface
with a gulp among churning waves and smoke. I crawl up onto the bank
and catch my breath.

It's good at first to be out in the night, naked to the cold mechanics
of the stars. Space hurls outward, falconswift, mounting like an
irreversible injustice, a final disease. The cold night air is reality
at last: indifferent to me as a stone face carved on a high cliff wall
to show that the world is abandoned. So childhood too feels good at
first, before one happens to notice the terrible sameness, age after
age. I lie there resting in the steaming grass, the old lake hissing
and gurgling behind me, whispering patterns of words my sanity
resists. At last, heavy as an ice-capped mountain, I rise and work my
way to the inner wall, beginning of wolfslopes, the edge of my realm.
I stand in the high wind balanced, blackening the night with my
stench, gazing down to cliffs that fall away to cliffs, and once again
I am aware of my potential: I could die. I cackle with rage and suck
in breath.

"Dark chasms!" I scream from the cliff-edge, "seize me! Seize me to
your foul black bowels and crush my bones!" I am terrified at the
sound of my own huge voice in the darkness. I stand there shaking from
head to foot, moved to the deep-sea depths of my being, like a
creature thrown into audience with thunder.

At the same time, I am secretly unfooled. The uproar is only my own
shriek, and chasms are, like all things vast, inanimate. They will not
snatch me in a thousand years, unless, in a lunatic fit of religion, I
jump.

I sigh, depressed, and grind my teeth. I toy with shouting some tidbit
more--some terrifying, unthinkable threat, some blackly fuliginous
riddling hex--but my heart's not in it. "Missed me!" I say with a coy
little jerk and a leer, to keep my spirits up. Then, with a sigh, a
kind of moan, I start very carefully down the cliffs that lead to the
fens and moors and Hrothgar's hall. Owls cross my path as silently as
raiding ships, and at the sound of my foot, lean wolves rise, glance
at me awkwardly, and, neat of step as lizards, sneak away. I used to
take some pride in that--the caution of owls when my shape looms in,
the alarm I stir in these giant northern wolves. I was younger then.
Still playing cat and mouse with the universe.

I move down through the darkness, burning with murderous lust, my
brains raging at the sickness I can observe in myself as objectively
as might a mind ten centuries away. Stars, spattered out through
lifeless night from end to end, like jewels scattered in a dead king's
grave, tease, torment my wits toward meaningful patterns that do not
exist. I can see for miles from these rock walls: thick forest
suddenly still at my coming-cowering stags, wolves, hedgehogs, boars,
submerged in their stifling, unmemorable fear; mute birds, pulsating,
thoughtless clay in hushed old trees, thick limbs interlocked to seal
drab secrets in.

I sigh, sink into the silence, and cross it like wind. Behind my back,
at the world's end, my pale slightly glowing fat mother sleeps on,
old, sick at heart, in our dingy underground room. Life-bloated,
baffled, long-suffering hag. Guilty, she imagines, of some
unremembered, perhaps ancestral crime. (She must have some human in
her.) Not that she thinks. Not that she dissects and ponders the dusty
mechanical bits of her miserable life's curse. She clutches at me in
her sleep as if to crush me. I break away. "Why are we here?" I used
to ask her. "Why do we stand this putrid, stinking hole ?" She
trembles at my words. Her fat lips shake. "Don't ask!" her wiggling
claws implore. (She never speaks.) "Don't ask!" It must be some
terrible secret, I used to think. I'd give her a crafty squint. She'll
tell me, in time, I thought. But she told me nothing. I waited on.
That was before the old dragon, calm as winter, unveiled the truth. He
was not a friend.

And so I come through trees and towns to the lights of Hrothgar's
meadhall. I am no stranger here. A respected guest. Eleven years now
and going on twelve I have come up this clean-mown central hill, dark
shadow out of the woods below, and have knocked politely on the high
oak door, bursting its hinges and sending the shock of my greeting
inward like a cold blast out of a cave. "Grendel!" they squeak, and I
smile like exploding spring. The old Shaper, a man I cannot help but
admire, goes out the back window with his harp at a single bound,
though blind as a bat. The drunkest of Hrothgar's thanes come reeling
and clanking down from their wall-hung beds, all shouting their meady,
outrageous boasts, their heavy swords aswirl like eagles' wings. "Woe,
woe, woe!" cries Hrothgar, hoary with winters, peeking in, wide-eyed,
from his bedroom in back. His wife, looking in behind him, makes a
scene. The thanes in the meadhall blow out the lights and cover the
wide stone fireplace with shields. I laugh, crumple over; I can't help
myself. In the darkness, I alone see clear as day. While they squeal
and screech and bump into each other, I silently sack up my dead and
withdraw to the woods. I eat and laugh and eat until I can barely
walk, my chest-hair matted with dribbled blood, and then the roosters
on the hill crow, and dawn comes over the roofs of the houses, and all
at once I am filled with gloom again.

"This is some punishment sent us," I hear them bawling from the hill.

My head aches. Morning nails my eyes.

"Some god is angry," I hear a woman keen. "The people of Scyld and
Herogar and Hrothgar are mired in sin!"

My belly rumbles, sick on their sour meat. I crawl through
bloodstained leaves to the eaves of the forest, and there peak out.
The dogs fall silent at the edge of my spell, and where the king's
hall surmounts the town, the blind old Shaper, harp clutched tight to
his fragile chest, stares futilely down, straight at me. Otherwise
nothing. Pigs root dully at the posts of a wooden fence. A
rumple-horned ox lies chewing in dew and shade. A few men, lean,
wearing animal skins, look up at the gables of the king's hall, or at
the vultures circling casually beyond. Hrothgar says nothing,
hoarfrost-bearded, his features cracked and crazed. Inside, I hear the
people praying--whimpering, whining, mumbling, pleading--to their
numerous sticks and stones. He doesn't go in. The king has lofty
theories of his own.

"Theories," I whisper to the bloodstained ground. So the dragon once
spoke. ("They'd map out roads through Hell with their crackpot
theories!" I recall his laugh.)

Then the groaning and praying stop, and on the side of the hill the
dirge-slow shoveling begins. They throw up a mound for the funeral
pyre, for whatever arms or legs or heads my haste has left behind.
Meanwhile, up in the shattered hall, the builders are hammering,
replacing the door for (it must be) the fiftieth or sixtieth time,
industrious and witless as worker ants--except that they make small,
foolish changes, adding a few more iron pegs, more iron bands, with
tireless dogmatism.

Now fire. A few little lizard tongues, then healthy flames reaching up
through the tangled nest of sticks. (A feeble-minded crow could have
fashioned a neater nest.) A severed leg swells up and bursts, then an
arm, then another, and the red fire turns on the blackening flesh and
makes it sizzle, and it reaches higher, up and up into greasy smoke,
turning, turning like falcons at warplay, rushing like circling wolves
up into the swallowing, indifferent sky. And now, by some lunatic
theory, they throw on golden rings, old swords, and braided helmets.
They wail, the whole crowd, women and men, a kind of song, like a
single quavering voice. The song rings up like the greasy smoke and
their faces shine with sweat and something that looks like joy. The
song swells, pushes through woods and sky, and they're singing now as
if by some lunatic theory they had won. I shake with rage. The red sun
blinds me, churns up my belly to nausea, and the heat thrown out of
the bone-fire burns my skin. I cringe, clawing my flesh, and flee for
home.


2

Talking, talking, spinning a spell, pale skin of words that closes me
in like a coffin. Not in a language that anyone any longer
understands. Rushing, degenerate mutter of noises I send out before me
wherever I creep, like a dragon burning his way through vines and fog.

I used to play games when I was young--it might as well be a thousand
years ago. Explored our far-flung underground world in an endless
wargame of leaps onto nothing, ingenious twists into freedom or new
perplexity, quick whispered plottings with invisible friends, wild
cackles when vengeance was mine. I nosed out, in my childish games,
every last shark-toothed chamber and hall, every black tentacle of my
mother's cave, and so came at last, adventure by adventure, to the
pool of firesnakes. I stared, mouth gaping. They were gray as old
ashes; faceless, eyeless. They spread the surface of the water with
pure green flame. I knew--I seemed to have known all along--that the
snakes were there to guard something. Inevitably, after I'd stood
there a while, rolling my eyes back along the dark hallway, my ears
cocked for my mother's step, I screwed my nerve up and dove. The
firesnakes scattered as if my flesh were charmed. And so I discovered
the sunken door, and so I came up, for the first time, to moonlight.

I went no farther, that first night. But I came out again, inevitably.
I played my way farther out into the world, vast cavern aboveground,
cautiously darting from tree to tree challenging the terrible forces
of night on tiptoe. At dawn I fled back.

I lived those years, as do all young things, in a spell. Like a puppy
nipping, playfully growling preparing for battle with wolves. At times
the spell would be broken suddenly: on shelves or in hallways of my
mother's cave, large old shapes with smouldering eyes sat watching me.
A continuous grumble came out of their mouths'; their backs were
humped. Then little by little it dawned on me that the eyes that
seemed to bore into my body were in fact gazing through it, wearily
indifferent to my slight obstruction of the darkness. Of all the
creatures I knew, in those days, only my mother really looked at
me.--Stared at me as if to consume me, like a troll. She loved me, in
some mysterious sense I understood without her speaking it. I was her
creation. We were one thing, like the wall and the rock growing out
from it.--Or so I ardently, desperately affirmed. When her strange
eyes burned into me, it did not seem quite sure. I was intensely aware
of where I sat, the volume of darkness I displaced, the shiny-smooth
span of packed dirt between us, and the shocking separateness from me
in my mama's eyes. I would feel, all at once, alone and ugly,
almost--as if I'd dirtied myself--obscene. The cavern river rumbled
far below us. Being young, unable to face these things, I would bawl
and hurl myself at my mother and she would reach out her claws and
seize me, though I could see I alarmed her (I had teeth like a saw),
and she would smash me to her fat, limp breast as if to make me a part
of her flesh again. After that, comforted, I would gradually ease back
out into my games. Crafty-eyed, wicked as an elderly wolf, I would
scheme with or stalk my imaginary friends, projecting the self I meant
to become into every dark corner of the cave and the woods above.

Then all at once there they'd be again, the indifferent, burning eyes
of the strangers. Or my mother's eyes. Again my world would be
suddenly transformed, fixed like a rose with a nail through it, space
hurtling coldly out from me in all directions. But I didn't
understand.

One morning I caught my foot in the crack where two old treetrunks
joined. "Owp!" I yelled. "Mama! Waa!" I was out much later than I'd
meant to be. As a rule I was back in the cave by dawn, but that day
I'd been lured out farther than usual by the heavenly scent of newborn
calf--ah, sweeter than flowers, as sweet as my mama's milk. I looked
at the foot in anger and disbelief. It was wedged deep, as if the two
oak trees were eating it. Black sawdust--squirreldust--was spattered
up the leg almost to the thigh. I'm not sure now how the accident
happened. I must have pushed the two boles apart as I stepped up into
the place where they joined, and then when I stupidly let go again
they closed on my foot like a trap. Blood gushed from my ankle and
shin, and pain flew up through me like fire up the flue of a mountain.
I lost my head. I bellowed for help, so loudly it made the ground
shake. "Mama! Waa! Waaa!" I bellowed to the sky, the forest, the
cliffs, until I was so weak from loss of blood I could barely wave my
arms. "I'm going to die," I wailed. "Poor Grendel! Poor old Mama!" I
wept and sobbed. "Poor Grendel will hang here and starve to death," I
told myself, "and no one will ever even miss him!" The thought enraged
me. I hooted. I thought of my mother's foreign eyes, staring at me
from across the room: I thought of the cool, indifferent eyes of the
others. I shrieked in fear; still no one came.

The sun was up now, and even filtered as it was through the lacy young
leaves, it made my head hurt. I twisted around as far as I could,
hunting wildly for her shape on the cliffs, but there was nothing, or,
rather, there was everything but my mother. Thing after thing tried,
cynical and cruel, to foist itself off as my mama's shape--a black
rock balanced at the edge of the cliff, a dead tree casting a
long-armed shadow, a running stag, a cave entrance--each thing trying
to detach itself, lift itself out of the general meaningless scramble
of objects, but falling back, melting to the blank, infuriating
clutter of not-my-mother. My heart began to race. I seemed to see the
whole universe, even the sun and sky, leaping forward, then sinking
away again, decomposing. Everything was wreckage, putrefaction. If she
were there, the cliffs, the brightening sky, the trees, the stag, the
waterfall would suddenly snap into position around her, sane again,
well organized; but she was not, and the morning was crazy. Its green
brilliance jabbed at me, live needles.

"Please, Mama!" I sobbed as if heartbroken.

Then, some thirty feet away, there was a bull. He stood looking at me
with his head lowered, and the world snapped into position around him,
as if in league with him. I must have been closer to the calf than I
had guessed, since he'd arrived to protect it. Bulls do such things,
though they don't even know that the calves they defend are theirs. He
shook his horns at me, as if scornful. I trembled. On the ground, on
two good feet, I would have been more than a match for the bull, or if
not, I could have outrun him. But I was four or five feet up in the
air, trapped and weak. He could slam me right out of the tree with one
blow of that boned, square head, maybe tearing the foot off, and then
he could gore me to death at his leisure in the grass. He pawed the
ground, looking at me up-from-under, murderous. "Go away!" I said.
"Hssst!" It had no effect. I bellowed at him. He jerked his head as if
the sound were a boulder I'd thrown at him, but then he merely stood
considering, and, after a minute, he pawed the ground again. Again I
bellowed. This time he hardly noticed it. He snorted through his nose
and pawed more deeply, spattering grass and black earth at his sharp
rear hooves. As if time had slowed down as it does for the dying, I
watched him loll his weight forward, sliding into an easy lope, head
tilted, coming toward me in a casual arc. He picked up speed, throwing
his weight onto his huge front shoulders, crooked tail lifted behind
him like a flag. When I screamed, he didn't even flick an ear but came
on, driving like an avalanche now, thunder booming from his hooves
across the cliffs. The same instant he struck my tree he jerked his
head and flame shot up my leg. The tip of one horn had torn me to the
knee.

But that was all. The tree shuddered as he banged it with his skull,
and he pivoted around it, stumbling. He gave his head a jerk, as if
clearing his brains, then turned and loped back to where he'd charged
me from before. He'd struck too low, and even in my terror I
understood that he would always strike too low: he fought by instinct,
blind mechanism ages old. He'd have fought the same way against an
earthquake or an eagle: I had nothing to fear from his wrath but that
twisting horn. The next time he charged I kept my eye on it, watched
that horn with as much concentration as I'd have watched the rims of a
crevasse I was leaping, and at just the right instant I flinched.
Nothing touched me but the breeze as the horn flipped past.

I laughed. My ankle was numb now; my leg was on fire to the hip. I
twisted to search the cliffwalls again, but still my mother wasn't
there, and my laughter grew fierce. All at once, as if by sudden
vision, I understood the emptiness in the eyes of those humpbacked
shapes back in the cave. (Were they my brothers, my uncles, those
creatures shuffling brimstone-eyed from room to room, or sitting
separate, isolated, muttering forever like underground rivers, each in
his private, inviolable gloom?)

I understood that the world was nothing: a mechanical chaos of casual,
brute enmity on which we stupidly impose our hopes and fears. I
understood that, finally and absolutely, I alone exist. All the rest,
I saw, is merely what pushes me, or what I push against, blindly--as
blindly as all that is not myself pushes back. I create the whole
universe, blink by blink.--An ugly god pitifully dying in a tree!

The bull struck again. I flinched from the horntip and bellowed with
rage and pain. The limbs overhead, stretching out through the clearing
like hungry snakes reaching up from their nest, would be clubs if I
had them in my two hands, or barricades, piled between me and my cave,
or kindling down in the room where my mother and I slept. Where they
were, above me, they were--what? Kind shade? I laughed. A tearful
howl.

The bull kept on charging. Sometimes after he hit he'd fall down and
lie panting. I grew limp with my anarchistic laughter. I no longer
bothered to jerk back my leg. Sometimes the horntip tore it, sometimes
not. I clung to the treetrunk that slanted 0H to my right, and I
almost slept. Perhaps I did sleep, I don't know. I must have.  Nothing
mattered. Sometime in the middle of the afternoon I opened my eyes and
discovered that the bull was gone.

I slept again, I think. When I woke up this time and looked up through
the leaves overhead, there were vultures. I sighed, indifferent. I was
growing used to the pain, or it had lessened. Unimportant. I tried to
see myself from the vultures' viewpoint. I saw, instead, my mother's
eyes. Consuming. I was suddenly her focus of the general
meaninglessness--not for myself, not for any quality of my large,
shaggy body or my sly, unnatural mind. I was, in her eyes, some
meaning I myself could never know and might not care to know: an
alien, the rock broken free of the wall. I slept again.

That night, for the first time, I saw men.

It was dark when I awakened--or when I came to, if it was that. I was
aware at once that there was something wrong. There was no sound, not
even the honk of a frog or the chirp of a cricket. There was a smell,
a fire very different from ours, pungent, painful as thistles to the
nose. I opened my eyes and everything was blurry, as though
underwater. There were lights all around me, like some weird
creature's eyes. They jerked back as I looked. Then voices, speaking
words. The sounds were foreign at first, but when I calmed myself,
concentrating, I found I understood them: it was my own language, but
spoken in a strange way, as if the sounds were made by brittle sticks,
dried spindles, flaking bits of shale. My vision cleared and I saw
them, mounted on horses, holding torches up. Some of them had shiny
domes (as it seemed to me then) with horns coming out, like the
bull's. They were small, these creatures, with dead-looking eyes and
gray-white faces, and yet in some ways they were like us, except
ridiculous and, at the same time, mysteriously irritating, like rats.
Their movements were stiff and regular, as if figured by logic. They
had skinny, naked hands that moved by clicks. When I first became
aware of them, they were all speaking at the same time. I tried to
move, but my body was rigid; only one hand gave a jerk. They all
stopped speaking at the same instant, like sparrows. We stared at each
other.

One of them said--a tall one with a long black beard--"It moves
independent of the tree."

They nodded.

The tall one said, "It's a growth of some kind, that's my opinion.
Some beastlike fungus." .

They all looked up into the branches.

A short, fat one with a tangled white beard pointed up into the tree
with an ax. "Those branches on the northern side are all dead there.
No doubt the whole tree'll be dead before midsummer. It's always the
north side goes first when there ain't enough sap."

They nodded, and another one said, "See there where it grows up out of
the trunk? Sap running all over."

They leaned over the sides of their horses to look, pushing the
torches toward me. The horses' eyes glittered.

"Have to close that up if we're going to save this tree," the tall one
said. The others grunted, and the tall one looked up at my eyes,
uneasy. I couldn't move. He stepped down off the horse and came over
to me, so close I could have swung my hand and smashed his head if I
could make my muscles move. "It's like blood," he said, and made a
face.

Two of the others got down and came over to pull at their noses and
look.

"I say that tree's a goner," one of them said.

They all nodded, except the tall one. "We can't just leave it rot," he
said. "Start letting the place go to ruin and you know what the
upshot'll be."

They nodded. The others got down off their horses and came over. The
one with the tangled white beard said, "Maybe we could chop the fungus
out."

They thought about it. After a while the tall one shook his head. "I
don't know. Could be it's some kind of a oaktree spirit. Better not to
mess with it."

They looked uneasy. There was a hairless, skinny one with eyes like
two holes. He stood with his arms out, like a challenged bird, and he
kept moving around in jerky little circles, bent forward, peering at
everything, at the tree, at the woods around, up into my eyes. Now
suddenly he nodded. "That's it! King's right! It's a spirit!"

"You think so?" they said. Their heads poked forward.

"Sure of it," he said.

"Is it friendly, you think?" the king said.

The hairless one peered up at me with the fingertips of one hand in
his mouth. The skinny elbow hung straight down, as if he were leaning
on an invisible table while he thought the whole thing through. His
black little eyes stared straight into mine, as if waiting for me to
tell him something. I tried to speak. My mouth moved, but nothing
would come out. The little man jerked back. "He's hungry!" he said.

"Hungry!" they all said. "What does he eat?"

He looked at me again. His tiny eyes drilled into me and he was
crouched as if he were thinking of trying to jump up into my brains.
My heart thudded. I was so hungry I could eat a rock. He smiled
suddenly, as if a holy vision had exploded in his head. "He eats pig!"
he said. He looked doubtful. "Or maybe pigsmoke. He's in a period of
transition."

They all looked at me, thinking it over, then nodded.

The king picked out six men. "Go get the thing some pigs," he said.
The six men said "Yes sir!" and got on their horses and rode off. It
filled me with joy, though it was all crazy, and before I knew I could
do it, I laughed. They jerked away and stood shaking, looking up.

"The spirit's angry," one of them whispered.

"It always has been," another one said. "That's why it's killing the
tree."

"No, no, you're wrong," the hairless one said. "It's' yelling for
pig."

"Pig!" I tried to yell. It scared them.

They all began shouting at each other. One of the horses neighed and
reared up, and for some crazy reason they took it for a sign. The king
snatched an ax from the man beside him and, without any warning, he
hurled it at me. I twisted, letting out a howl, and it shot past my
shoulder, just barely touching my skin. Blood trickled out.

"You're all crazy," I tried to yell, but it came out a moan. I
bellowed for my mother.

"Surround him!" the king yelled, "Save the horses!"--and suddenly I
knew I was dealing with no dull mechanical bull but with thinking
creatures, pattern makers, the most dangerous things I'd ever met. I
shrieked at them, trying to scare them off, but they merely ducked
behind bushes and took long sticks from the saddles of their horses,
bows and javelins. "You're all crazy," I bellowed, "you're all
insane!" I'd never howled more loudly in my life. Darts like hot coals
went through my legs and arms and I howled more loudly still. And
then, just when I was sure I was finished, a shriek ten times as loud
as mine came blaring off the cliff. It was my mother! She came roaring
down like thunder, screaming like a thousand hurricanes, eyes as
bright as dragonfire, and before she was within a mile of us, the
creatures had leaped to their horses and galloped away. Big trees
shattered and fell from her path; the earth trembled. Then her smell
poured in like blood into a silver cup, filling the moonlit clearing
to the brim, and I felt the two trees that held me falling, and I was
tumbling, free, into the grass.

I woke up in the cave, warm firelight flickering on walls. My mother
lay picking through the bone pile. When she heard me stir, she turned,
wrinkling her forehead, and looked at me. There were no other shapes.
I think I dimly understood even then that they'd gone deeper into
darkness, away from men. I tried to tell her all that had happened,
all that I'd come to understand: the meaningless objectness of the
world, the universal bruteness. She only stared, troubled at my noise.
She'd forgotten all language long ago, or maybe had never known any.
I'd never heard her speak to the other shapes. (How I myself learned
to speak I can't remember; it was a long, long time ago.) But I talked
on, trying to smash through the walls of her unconsciousness. "The
world resists me and I resist the world," I said. "That's all there
is. The mountains are what I define them as." Ah, monstrous stupidity
of childhood, unreasonable hope! I waken with a start and see it over
again (in my cave, out walking, or sitting by the mere), the memory
rising as if it has been pursuing me. The fire in my mother's eyes
brightens and she reaches out as if some current is tearing us apart.
"The world is all pointless accident," I say. Shouting now, my fists
clenched. "I exist, nothing else." Her face works. She gets up on all
fours, brushing dry bits of bone from her path, and, with a look of
terror, rising as if by unnatural power, she hurls herself across the
void and buries me in her bristly fur and fat. I sicken with fear. "My
mother's fur is bristly," I say to myself. "Her flesh is loose."
Buried under my mother I cannot see. She smells of wild pig and fish.
"My mother smells of wild pig and fish," I say. What I see I inspire
with usefulness, I think, trying to suck in breath, and all that I do
not see is useless, void. I observe myself observing what I observe.
It startles me. "Then I am not that which observes!" I am lack.
Alack! No thread, no frailest hair between myself and the universal
clutter!  I listen to the underground river. I have never seen it.

Talking, talking, spinning a skin, a skin...

I can't breathe, and I claw to get free. She struggles. I smell my
mama's blood and, alarmed, I hear from the walls and floor of the cave
the booming, booming, of her heart.


3

It wasn't because he threw that battle-ax that I turned on Hrothgar.
That was mere midnight foolishness. I dismissed it, thought of it
afterward only as you remember a tree that fell on you or an adder you
stepped on by accident, except of course that Hrothgar was more to be
feared than a tree or snake. It wasn't until later, when I was
full-grown and Hrothgar was an old, old man, that I settled my soul on
destroying him--slowly and cruelly. Except for his thanes' occasional
stories of seeing my footprints, he'd probably forgotten by then that
I existed.

He'd been busy. I'd watched it all from the eaves of the forest,
mostly from up off the ground, in the branches.

In the beginning there were various groups of them: ragged little
bands that roamed the forest on foot or horseback, crafty-witted
killers that worked in teams, hunting through the summer, shivering in
caves or little huts in the winter, occasionally wandering out into
the snow to plow through it slowly, clumsily, after more meat. Ice
clung to their eyebrows and beards and eyelashes, and I'd hear them
whining and groaning as they walked. When two hunters from different
bands came together in the woods, they would fight until the snow was
slushy with blood, then crawl back, gasping and crying, to their
separate camps to tell wild tales of what happened.

As the bands grew larger, they would seize and clear a hill and, with
the trees they'd cut, would set up shacks, and on the crown of the
hill a large, shaggy house with a steeply pitched roof and a wide
stone hearth, where they'd all go at night for protection from other
bands of men. The inside walls would be beautifully painted and hung
with tapestries, and every cross-timber or falcon's perch was carved
and gewgawed with toads, snakes, dragon shapes, deer, cows, pigs,
trees, trolls. At the first sign of spring they would set out their
shrines and scatter seeds on the sides of the hill, below the shacks,
and would put , up wooden fences to pen their pigs and cows. The women
worked the ground and milked and fed the animals while the men hunted,
and when the men came in from the wolf-roads at dusk, the women would
cook the game they'd caught while the men went inside and drank mead.
Then they'd all eat, the men first, then the women and children, the
men still drinking, getting louder and braver, talking about what they
were going to do to the bands on the other hills. I would huddle,
listening to their noise in the darkness, my eyebrows lifted, my lips
pursed, the hair on the back of my neck standing up like pigs'
bristles. All the bands did the same thing. In time I began to be more
amused than revolted by what they threatened. It didn't matter to me
what they did to each other. It was slightly ominous because of its
strangeness--no wolf was so vicious to other wolves--but I half
believed they weren't serious.

They would listen to each other at the meadhall tables, their pinched,
cunning rats' faces picking like needles at the boaster's words, the
warfalcons gazing down, black, from the rafters, and when one of them
finished his raving threats, another would stand up and lift up his
ram's horn, or draw his sword, or sometimes both if he was very drunk,
and he'd tell them what he planned to do. Now and then some trivial
argument would break out, and one of them would kill another one, and
all the others would detach themselves from the killer as neatly as
blood clotting, and they'd consider the case and they'd either excuse
him, for some reason, or else send him out to the forest to live by
stealing from their outlying pens like a wounded fox. At

times I would try to befriend the exile, at other times I would try to
ignore him, but they were treacherous. In the end, I had to eat them.
As a rule, though, that wasn't how all their drinking turned out.
Normally the men would howl out their daring, and the evening would
get merrier, louder and louder, the king praising this one,
criticizing that one, no one getting hurt except maybe some female who
was asking for it, and eventually they'd all fall asleep on each other
like lizards, and I'd steal a cow.

But the threats were serious. Darting unseen from camp to camp, I
observed a change come over their drunken boasts. It was late spring.
Food was plentiful. Every sheep and goat had its wobbly twins, the
forest was teeming, and the first crops of the hillsides were coming
into fruit. A man would roar, "I'll steal their gold and burn their
meadhall!" shaking his sword as if the tip were afire, and a man with
eyes like two pins would say, "Do it now, Cowface! I think you're not
even the man your father was!" The people would laugh. I would back
away into the darkness, furious at my stupid need to spy on them, and
I would glide to the next camp of men, and I'd hear the same. Then
once, around midnight, I came to a hall in ruins. The cows in their
pens lay burbling blood through their nostrils, with javelin holes in
their necks. None had been eaten. The watchdogs lay like dark wet
stones, with their heads cut off, teeth bared. The fallen hall was a
square of flames and acrid smoke, and the people inside (none of them
had been eaten either) were burned black, small, like dwarfs turned
dark and crisp. The sky opened like a hole where the gables had loomed
before, and the wooden benches, the trestle tables, the beds that had
hung on the meadhall walls were scattered to the edge of the forest,
shining charcoal. There was no sign of the gold they'd kept--not so
much as a melted hilt.

Then the wars began, and the war songs, and the weapon making. If the
songs were true, as I suppose at least one or two of them were, there
had always been wars, and what I'd seen was merely a period of mutual
exhaustion.

I'd be watching a meadhall from high in a tree, nightbirds singing in
the limbs below me, the moon's face hidden in a tower of clouds, and
nothing would be stirring except leaves moving in the light spring
breeze and, down by the pigpens, two men walking with their
battle-axes and their dogs. Inside the hall I would hear the Shaper
telling of the glorious deeds of dead kings--how they'd split certain
heads, snuck away with certain precious swords and necklaces--his harp
mimicking the rush of swords, clanging boldly with the noble speeches,
sighing behind the heroes' dying words. Whenever he stopped, thinking
up formulas for what to say next, the people would all shout and thump
each other and drink to the Shaper's long life. In the shadow of the
hall and by the outbuildings,

men sat whistling or humming to themselves, repairing weapons: winding
bronze bands around gray ashspears, treating their swordblades with
snake's venom, watching the goldworker decorate the handles of
battle-axes. (The goldworkers had an honored place. I remember one of
them especially: a lean, aloof, superior man of middle age. He never
spoke to the others except to laugh sometimes--"Nyeh heh heh.")

Then suddenly the birds below me in the tree would fall silent, and
beyond the meadhall clearing I'd hear the creak of harness-leather.
The watchmen and their dogs would stand stock-still, as if
lightning-struck; then the dogs would bark, and the next instant the
door would bang open and men would come tumbling, looking crazy, from
the meadhall. The enemies' horses would thunder up into the clearing,
leaping the pig-fences, sending the cows and the pigs away mooing and
squealing, and the two bands of men would charge. Twenty feet apart
they would slide to a stop and stand screaming at each other with
raised swords. The leaders on both sides held their javelins high in
both hands and shook them, howling their lungs out. Terrible threats,
from the few words I could catch. Things about their fathers and their
fathers' fathers, things about justice and honor and lawful
revenge--their throats swollen, their eyes rolling like a newborn
colt's, sweat running down their shoulders. Then they would fight.
Spears flying, swords whonking, arrows raining from the windows and
doors of the meadhall and the edge of the woods. Horses reared and
fell over screaming, ravens flew, crazy as bats in a {ire, men
staggered, gesturing wildly, making speeches, dying or sometimes
pretending to be dying, sneaking off. Sometimes the attackers would be
driven back, sometimes they'd win and burn the meadhall down,
sometimes they'd capture the king of the meadhall and make his people
give weapons and gold rings and cows.

It was confusing and frightening, not in a way I could untangle. I was
safe in my tree, and the men who fought were nothing to me, except of
course that they talked in something akin to my language, which meant
that we were, incredibly, related. I was sickened, if only at the
waste of it: all they killed--cows, horses, men--they left to rot or
burn. I sacked all I could and tried to store it, but my mother would
growl and make faces because of the stink.

The fighting went on all that summer and began again the next and
again the next. Sometimes when a meadhall burned, the survivors would
go to another meadhall and, stretching out their hands, would crawl
unarmed up the strangers' hill and would beg to be taken in. They
would give the strangers whatever weapons or pigs or cattle they'd
saved from destruction, and the strangers would give them an
outbuilding, the worst of their food, and some straw. The two groups
would Fight as allies after that, except that now and then they
betrayed each other, one shooting the other from behind for some
reason, or stealing the other group's gold, some midnight, or sneaking
into bed with the other group's wives and daughters.

I watched it, season after season. Sometimes I watched from the high
cliff wall, where I could look out and see all the meadhall lights on
the various hills across the countryside, glowing like candles,
reflected stars. With luck, I might see, on a soft summer night, as
many as three halls burning down at once. That was rare, of course. It
grew rarer as the pattern of their warring changed. Hrothgar, who'd
begun hardly stronger than the others, began to outstrip the rest.
He'd worked out a theory about what fighting was for, and now he no
longer fought with his six closest neighbors. He'd shown them the
strength of his organization, and now, instead of making war on them,
he sent men to them every three months or so, with heavy wagons and
back-slings, to gather their tribute to his greatness. They piled his
wagons high with gold and leather and weapons, and they kneeled to his
messengers and made long speeches and promised to defend him against
any foolhardy outlaw that dared to attack him. Hrothgar's A messengers
answered with friendly words and praise of the man they'd just
plundered, as if the whole thing had been his idea, then whipped up
the oxen, pulled up their loaded back-slings, and started home. It was
a hard trip. The tall, silky grass of the meadows and the paths along
the forest would clog the heavy wagon spokes and snarl the oxen's
hooves; wagon wheels sunk in the rich black earth that only the wind
had ever yet seeded or harvested. The oxen rolled their eyes,
floundering, and mooed. Men swore. They pushed at the wheels with long
oak poles and slashed at the oxen till their backs were crosshatched
with bleeding welts and their noses ran pink foam.  Sometimes with one
terrific heave, an ox would break free of the traces and plunge into
the brush. A man on a horse would go after it, slashed by branches,
cutting through tangles of hazel and hawthorn, his horse balking at
the pain of thorns, and sometimes when the man found the ox he would
fill it with arrows and leave it to the wolves.  Sometimes he merely
sat, when he found the ox, and met its stupid, gloomy eyes and wept.
Sometimes a horse, mired to the waist, would give up and merely stand,
head hanging, as if waiting for death, and the men would howl at it
and cut it with whips, or throw stones, or club it with heavy limbs,
until finally one of them came to his senses and calmed the others,
and they would winch out the horse with ropes and wagon wheels, if
they could, or else abandon the horse or kill it--first stripping off
the saddle and bridle and the handsomely decorated harness. At times,
when a wagon was hopelessly mired, the men would

walk back to Hrothgar's hall for help. When they returned, the wagon
would be emptied of all its gold and burned, sometimes by people of
Hrothgar's own tribe, though usually by others, and the oxen and
horses would be dead.

Hrothgar met with his council for many nights and days, and they drank
and talked and prayed to their curious carved-out creatures and
finally came to a decision. They built roads. The kings from whom
they'd taken tributes of treasure they now asked for tributes of men.
Then Hrothgar and his neighbors, loaded like ants on a long march,
pushed foot by foot and day by day around the marshes and over the
moors and through the woods, pressing flat rocks into the soft ground
and grass, and packing smaller stones around the rocks' sides, until,
from my watch on the wall of the cliff, Hrothgar's whole realm was
like a wobbly, lopsided wheel with spokes of stone.

And now when enemies from farther out struck at kings who called
themselves Hrothgar's friends, a messenger would slip out and ride
through the night to the tribute-taker, and in half an hour, while the
enemy bands were still shouting at each other, still waving their
ashspears and saying what horrible things they would do, the forest
would rumble with the sound of Hrothgar's horsemen. He would overcome
them: his band had grown large, and for the treasures Hrothgar could
afford now to give them in sign of his thanks, his warriors became
hornets. New roads snaked out. New meadhalls gave tribute. His
treasure-hoard grew till his meadhall was piled to the rafters with
brightly painted shields and ornamented swords and boar's-head helmets
and coils of gold, and they had to abandon the meadhall and sleep in
the outbuildings. Meanwhile, those who paid tribute to him were forced
to strike at more distant halls to gather the gold they paid to
Hrothgar--and a little on the side for themselves. His power overran
the world, from the foot of my cliff to the northern sea to the
impenetrable forests south and east. They hacked down trees in
widening rings around their central halls and blistered the land with
peasant huts and pigpen fences till the forest looked like an old dog
dying of mange. They thinned out the game, killed birds for sport, set
accidental fires that would burn for days. Their sheep killed hedges,
snipped valleys bare, and their pigs nosed up the very roots of what
might have grown. Hrothgar's tribe made boats to drive farther north
and west. There was nothing to stop the advance of man. Huge boars
fled at the click of a harness. Wolves would cower in the glens like
foxes when they caught that deadly scent. I was filled with a
wordless, obscurely murderous unrest.

One night, inevitably, a blind man turned up at Hrothgar's temporary
meadhall. He was carrying a harp. I watched from the shadow of a
cowshed, since on that hill there were no trees. The guards at the
door crossed their axes in front of him. He waited, smiling foolishly,
while a messenger went inside. A few minutes later the messenger
returned, gave the old man a grunt, and--cautiously, feeling ahead of
himself with his crooked bare toes like a man engaged in some strange,
pious dance, the foolish smile still fixed on his face--the blind old
man went in. A boy darted up from the weeds at the foot of the hill,
the harper's companion. He too was shown in.

The hall became quiet, and after a moment Hrothgar spoke, tones low
and measured--of necessity, from too much shouting on midnight raids.
The harper gave him back some answer, and Hrothgar spoke again. I
glanced at the watchdogs. They still sat silent as treestumps, locked
in my spell. I crept closer to the hall to hear. The people were noisy
for a time, yelling to the harper, offering him mead, making jokes,
and then again King Hrothgar spoke, white-bearded. The hall became
still.

The silence expanded. People coughed. As if all by itself, then, the
harp made a curious run of sounds, almost words, and then a moment
later, arresting as a voice from a hollow tree, the harper began to
chant:


Lo, we have heard the honor of the Speardanes,

nation-kings, in days now gone,

how those battle-lords brought themselves glory.

Oft Scyld Shefing shattered the forces

of kinsman-marauders, dragged away their

meadhall-benches, terrified earls--after first men found him

castaway. (He got recompense for that!)

He grew up under the clouds, won glory of men

till all his enemies sitting around him

heard across the whaleroads his demands and gave

him tribute. That was a good king!

So he sang--or intoned, with the harp behind him--twisting together
like sailors' ropes the bits and pieces of the best old songs. The
people were hushed. Even the surrounding hills were hushed, as if
brought low by language. He knew his art. He was king of the Shapers,
harpstring scratchers (oakmoss-bearded, inspired by winds). That was
what had brought him over wilderness, down blindman's alleys of time
and space, to Hrothgar's famous hall. He would sing the glory of
Hrothgar's line and gild his wisdom and stir up his men to more daring
deeds, for a price.

He told how Scyld by the cunning of arms had rebuilt the old Danish
kingdom from ashes, lordless a long time before he came, and the prey
of every passing band, and how Scyld's son by the strength of his wits
had increased their power, a man who fully understood men's need, from
lust to love, and knew how to use it to fashion a mile-wide list of
chain-locked steel. He sang of battles and marriages, of funerals and
hangings, the whimperings of beaten enemies, of splendid hunts and
harvests. He sang of Hrothgar, hoarfrost white, magnificent of mind.

When he finished, the hall was as quiet as a mound. I too was silent,
my ear pressed tight against the timbers. Even to me, incredibly, he
had made it all seem true and very fine. Now a little, now more, a
great roar began, an exhalation of breath that swelled to a rumble of
voices and then to the howling and clapping and stomping of men gone
mad on art. They would seize the oceans, the farthest stars, the
deepest secret rivers in Hrothgar's name! Men wept like children:
children sat stunned. It went on and on, a fire more dread than any
visible fire.

Only one man in the kingdom seemed cast down: the man who'd been
Hrothgar's harper before the blind man came to make his bid. The
former harper crept out into the darkness, unnoticed by the rest. He
slipped away through fields and forests, his precious old instrument
under his arm, to seek out refuge in the hall of some lesser marauder.
I too crept away, my mind aswim in ringing phrases, magnificent,
golden, and all of them, incredibly, lies.

What was he? The man had changed the world, had A torn up the past by
its thick, gnarled roots and had transmuted it, and they, who knew the
truth, remembered it his way--and so did I.

I crossed the moors in a queer panic, like a creature half insane. I
knew the truth. It was late spring. Every sheep and goat had its
wobbly twins. A man said, "I'll steal their gold and barn their
meadhall!" and another man said, "Do it now!" I remembered the ragged
men fighting each other till the snow was red slush, whining in
winter, the shriek of people and animals burning, the whip-slashed
oxen in the mire, the scattered battle-leavings: wolf-torn corpses,
falcons fat with blood. Yet I also remembered, as if it had happened,
great Scyld, of whose kingdom no trace remained, and his farsighted
son, of whose greater kingdom no trace remained. And the stars
overhead were alive with the promise of Hrothgar's vast power, his
universal peace. The moors their axes had stripped of trees glowed
silver in the moonlight, and the yellow lights of peasant huts were
like scattered jewels on the ravendark cloak of a king. I was so
filled with sorrow and tenderness I could hardly have found it in my
heart to snatch a pig!

Thus I fled, ridiculous hairy creature torn apart by poetry--crawling,
whimpering, streaming tears, across the world like a two-headed beast,
like mixed-up lamb and kid at the tail of a baffled, indifferent
ewe--and I gnashed my teeth and clutched the sides of my head as if to
heal the split, but I couldn't.

There was a Scyld, once, who ruled the Danes; and other men ruled
after him, that much was true. And the rest?

At the top of the cliffwall I turned and looked down, and I saw all
the lights of Hrothgar's realm and the realms beyond that, that would
soon be his, and to clear my mind, I sucked in wind and screamed. The
sound went out, violent, to the rims of the world, and after a moment
it bounced back up at me—harsh and ungodly against the sigh of the
remembered harp--like a thousand tortured rat-squeals crying: Lost!

I clamped my palms to my ears and stretched up my lips and shrieked
again: a stab at truth, a snatch at apocalyptic glee. Then I ran on
all fours, chest pounding, to the smoky mere.


4

He sings to a heavier harpsong now, old heart-string scratcher, memory
scraper, Of the richest of kings made sick of soul by the scattered
bones of thanes. By late afternoon the fire dies down and the column
of smoke is white, no longer greasy. There will be others this year,
they know; yet they hang on. The sun backs away from the world like a
crab and the days grow shorter, the nights grow longer, more dark and
dangerous. I smile, angry in the thickening dusk, and feast my eyes on
the greatest of meadhalls, unsatisfied.

His pride. The torch of kingdoms. Hart.

The Shaper remains, though now there are nobler courts where he might
sing. The pride of creation. He built this

hall by the power of his songs: created with casual words its grave
mor(t)ality. The boy observes him, tall and solemn, twelve years older
than the night he first crept in with his stone-eyed master. He knows
no art but tragedy--a moving singer. The credit is wholly mine.

Inspired by winds (or whatever you please), the old man sang of a
glorious meadhall whose light would shine to the ends of the ragged
world. The thought took seed in Hrothgar's mind. It grew. He called
all his people together and told them his daring scheme. He would
build a magnificent meadhall high on a hill, with a view of the
western sea, a victory-seat near the giants' work, old ruined fortress
from the world's first war, to stand forever as a sign of the glory
and justice of Hrothgar's Danes. There he would sit and give treasures
out, all wealth but the lives of men and the people's land. And so his
sons would do after him, and his sons' sons, to the final generation.

I listened, huddled in the darkness, tormented, mistrustful. I knew
them, had watched them; yet the things he said seemed true. He sent to
far kingdoms for woodsmen, carpenters, metalsmiths, goldsmiths--also
carters, victualers, clothiers to attend to the workmen--and for weeks
their uproar filled the days and nights. I watched from the vines and
boulders of the giants' ruin, two miles off. Then word went out to the
races of men that Hrothgar's hall was finished. He gave it its name.
From neighboring realms and from across the sea came men to the great
celebration. The harper sang.

I listened, felt myself swept up. I knew very well that all he said
was ridiculous, not light for their darkness but flattery, illusion, a
vortex pulling them from sunlight to heat, a kind of midsummer
burgeoning, waltz to the sickle. Yet I was swept up. "Ridiculous!" I
hissed in the black of the forest. I snatched up a snake from beside
my foot and whispered to it, "I knew him when!" But I couldn't bring
out a wicked cackle, as I'd meant to do. My heart was light with
Hrothgar's goodness, and leaden with grief at my own bloodthirsty
ways. I backed away, crablike, further into darkness--like a crab
retreating in pain when you strike two stones at the mouth of his
underwater den. I backed away till the honeysweet lure of the harp I
no longer mocked me. Yet even now my mind was tormented by images.
Thanes filled the hall and a great silent crowd of them spilled out
over the surrounding hill, smiling, peaceable, hearing the harper as
if not a man in all that lot had ever twisted a knife in his
neighbor's chest.

"Well then he's changed them," I said, and stumbled and fell on the
root of a tree. "Why not?"

Why not? the forest whispered back--yet not the forest, something
deeper, an impression from another mind, some live thing old and
terrible.

I listened, tensed.

Not a sound.

"He reshapes the world," I whispered, belligerent. "So his name
implies. He stares strange-eyed at the mindless world and turns dry
sticks to gold."

A little poetic, I would readily admit. His manner of speaking was
infecting me, making me pompous. "Nevertheless," I whispered
crossly--but I couldn't go on, too conscious all at once of my
whispering, my eternal posturing, always transforming the world with
words--changing nothing. I still had the snake in my fist. I set it
down. It fled.

"He takes what he finds," I said stubbornly, trying again. "And by
changing men's minds he makes the best of it. Why not?" But it sounded
petulant; and it wasn't true, I knew. He sang for pay, for the praise
of women--one in particular--and for the honor of a famous king's hand
on his arm. If the ideas of art were beautiful, that was art's fault,
not the Shaper's. A blind selector, almost mindless: a bird. Did they
murder each other more gently because in the woods sweet songbirds
sang?

Yet I wasn't satisfied. His fingers picked infallibly, as if moved by
something beyond his power, and the words stitched together out of
ancient songs, the scenes interwoven out of dreary tales, made a
vision without seams, an image of himself yet not-himself, beyond the
need of any shaggy old gold-friend's pay: the projected possible.

"Why not?" I whispered, jerking forward, struggling to make my eyes
sear through the dark trunks and vines.

I could feel it all around me, that invisible presence, chilly as the
first intimation of death, the dusty unblinking eyes of a thousand
snakes. There was no sound. I touched a fat, slick loop of vine,
prepared to leap back in horror, but it was only vine, no worse. And
still no sound, no movement. I got up on my feet, bent over,
squinting, and edged back through the trees toward the town. It
followed me--whatever it was. I was as sure of that as I'd ever been
of anything. And then, in one instant, as if it had all been my mind,
the thing was gone. In the hall they were laughing.

Men and women stood talking in the light of the meadhall door and on
the narrow streets below; on the lower hillside boys and girls played
near the sheep pens, shyly holding hands. A few lay touching each
other in the forest eaves. I thought how they'd shriek if I suddenly
showed my face, and it made me smile, but I held myself back. They
talked nothing, stupidities, their soft voices groping like hands. I
felt myself tightening, cross, growing restless for no clear reason,
and I made myself move more slowly. Then, circling the clearing, I
stepped on something fleshy, and jerked away. It was a man. They'd cut
his throat. His clothes had been stolen. I stared up at the hall,
baffled, beginning to shake. They went on talking softly, touching
hands, their hair full of light. I lifted up the body and slung it
across my shoulder.

Then the harp began to play. The crowd grew still.

The harp sighed, the old man sang, as sweet-voiced as a child.

He told how the earth was first built, long ago: said that the
greatest of gods made the world, every wonder-bright plain and the
turning seas, and set out as signs of his victory the sun and moon,
great lamps for light to land-dwellers, kingdom torches, and adorned
the fields with all colors and shapes, made limbs and leaves and gave
life to the every creature that moves on land.

The harp turned solemn. He told of an ancient feud between two
brothers which split all the world between darkness and light. And I,
Grendel, was the dark side, he said in effect. The terrible race God
cursed.

I believed him. Such was the power of the Shaper's harp! Stood
wriggling my face, letting tears down my nose, grinding my fists into
my streaming eyes, even though to do it I had to squeeze with my elbow
the corpse of the proof that both of us were cursed, or neither, that
the brothers had never lived, nor the god who judged them. "Waaa!" I
bawled.

Oh what a conversion!

I staggered out into the open and up toward the hall with my burden,
groaning out, "Mercy! Peace!" The harper broke off, the people
screamed. (They have their own versions, but this is the truth.)
Drunken men rushed me with battle-axes. I sank to my knees, crying,
"Friend! Friend!" They hacked at me, yipping like dogs. I held up the
body for protection. Their spears came through it and one of them
nicked me, a tiny scratch high on my left breast, but I knew by the
sting it had venom on it and I understood, as shocked as I'd been the
first time, that they could kill me--eventually would if I gave them a
chance. I struck at them, holding the body as a shield, and two fell
bleeding from my nails at the first little swipe. The others backed
off. I crushed the body in my hug, then hurled it in their faces,
turned, and fled. They didn't follow.

I ran to the center of the forest and fell down panting. My mind was
wild. "Pity," I moaned, "O pity! pity!" I wept--strong monster with
teeth like a shark's--and I slammed the earth with such force that a
seam split open twelve feet long. "Bastards!" I roared. "Sons of
bitches! Fuckers!" Words I'd picked up from men in their rages. I
wasn't even sure what they meant, though I had an idea: defiance,
rejection of the gods that, for my part, I'd known all along to be
lifeless sticks. I roared with laughter, still sobbing. We, the
accursed, didn't even have words for swearing in! "AAARGH!" I whooped,
then covered my ears and hushed. It sounded silly.

My sudden awareness of my foolishness made me calm.

I looked up through the treetops, ludicrously hopeful. I think I was
half prepared, in my dark, demented state, to see God, bearded and
gray as geometry, scowling down at me, shaking his bloodless finger.

"Why can't I have someone to talk to?" I said. The stars said nothing,
but I pretended to ignore the rudeness. "The Shaper has people to talk
to," I said. I wrung my fingers. "Hrothgar has people to talk to."

I thought about it.

Perhaps it wasn't true.

As a matter of fact, if the Shaper's vision of goodness and peace was
a part of himself, not idle rhymes, then no one understood him at all,
not even Hrothgar. And as for Hrothgar, if he was serious about his
idea of glory--sons and sons' sons giving out treasure--I had news for
him. If he had sons, they wouldn't hear his words. They would weigh
his silver and gold in their minds. I've watched the generations. I've
seen their weasel eyes.

I fought down my smile.

"That could change," I said, shaking my Finger as if at an audience.
"The Shaper may yet improve men's minds, bring peace to the miserable
Danes."

But they were doomed, I knew, and I was glad. No denying it. Let them
wander the fogroads of Hell.

* * *

Two nights later I went back. I was addicted. The Shaper was singing
the glorious deeds of the dead men, praising war. He sang how they'd
fought me. It was all lies. The sly harp rasped like snakes in
cattails, glorifying death. I snatched a guard and smashed him on a
tree, but my stomach turned at the thought of eating him. "Woe to the
man," the Shaper sang, "who shall through wicked hostilities shove his
soul down into the fire's hug! Let him hope for no change: he can
never turn away! But lucky the man who, after his deathday, shall seek
the Prince, Find peace in his father's embrace!"

"Bullshit!" I whispered through clenched teeth. How was it that he
could enrage me so?

Why not? the darkness hissed around me. Why not? Why not? Teasing,
tormenting, as cold as a dead hand closing on my wrist.

Imagination, I knew. Some evil inside myself pushed out into the
trees. I knew what I knew, the mindless, mechanical bruteness of
things, and when the harper's lure drew my mind away to hopeful
dreams, the dark of what was and always was reached out and snatched
my feet.

And yet I'd be surprised, I had to admit, if anything in myself could
be as cold, as dark, as centuries old as the presence I felt around
me. I touched a vine to reassure myself. It was a snake. I snapped
back in terror.

Then I calmed myself again. The fangs hadn't hit. It came to me that
the presence was still there, somewhere deeper, much deeper, in the
night. I had a feeling that if I let myself I could fall toward it,
that it was pulling me, pulling the whole world in like a whirlpool.

Craziness, of course. I got up, though the feeling was as strong as
ever, and felt my way back through the forest and over to the
cliffwall and back to the mere and to my cave. I lay there listening
to the indistinct memory of the Shaper's songs. My mother picked
through the bone pile, sullen. I'd brought no food.

"Ridiculous," I whispered.

She looked at me.

It was a cold-blooded lie that a god had lovingly made the world and
set out the sun and moon as lights to land-dwellers, that brothers had
fought, that one of the races was saved, the other cursed. Yet he, the
old Shaper, might make it true, by the sweetness of his harp, his
cunning trickery. It came to me with a fierce jolt that I wanted it.
As they did too, though vicious animals, cunning, cracked with
theories. I wanted it, yes! Even if I must be the outcast, cursed by
the rules of his hideous fable.

She whimpered, scratched at the nipple I had not sucked in years. She
was pitiful, foul, her smile a jagged white tear in the firelight:
waste.

She whimpered one sound: Dool-dool! dool-dool!, scratching at her
bosom, a ghastly attempt to climb back up to speech.

I clamped my eyes shut, listened to the river, and after a time I
slept.




I sat up with a jerk.

The thing was all around me, now, like a thunder charge.

"Who is it?" I said.

No answer. Darkness.

My mother was asleep; she was as deadlooking as a red-gray old
sea-elephant stretched on the shore of a summer day.

I got up and silently left the cave. I went to the cliffwall, then
down to the moor.

Still nothing.

I made my mind a blank and fell, sank away like a stone through earth
and sea, toward the dragon.


5

No use of a growl, a whoop, a roar, in the presence of that beast!
Vast, red-golden, huge tail coiled, limbs sprawled over his
treasure-hoard, eyes not firey but cold as the memory of family
deaths. Vanishing away across invisible floors, there were things of
gold, gems, jewels, silver vessels the color of blood in the undulant,
dragon-red light. Arching above him the ceiling and upper walls of his
cave were alive with bats. The color of his sharp scales darkened and
brightened as the dragon inhaled and exhaled slowly, drawing new air
across his vast internal furnace; his razorsharp tusks gleamed and
glinted as if they too, like the mountain beneath him, were formed of
precious stones and metals.

My heart shook. His eyes stared straight at me. My knees and insides
were so weak I had to drop down on all fours. His mouth opened
slightly. Bits of flame escaped.

"Ah, Grendel!" he said. "You've come." The voice was startling. No
rolling boom, as I would have expected, but a voice that might have
come from an old, old man. Louder, of course, but not much louder.

"We've been expecting you," he said. He gave a nervous laugh, like a
miser caught at his counting. His eyes were heavy-lidded, minutely
veined, wrinkled like an elderly mead-drinker's. "Stand around the
side, if you don't mind, boy," he said. "I get a cough sometimes, and
it's terrible straight out front." The high dead eyelids wrinkled
more, the corners of his mouth snaked up as he chuckled, sly, hardly
hiding his malice. I quickly ducked around to the side.

"Good boy," he said. He tipped his head, lowering an eye toward me.
"Smart boy! He he he!" He lifted a wrinkled paw with man-length talons
for nails and held it over my head as if to crush me with it, but he
merely brought it down lightly, once, twice, three times, patting my
head.

"Well, speak, boy," he said. "Say 'Hello there, Mr. Dragon!'" He
cackled.

My throat convulsed and I tried to get my breath to speak, but I
couldn't.

The dragon smiled. Horrible, debauched, mouth limp and cracked, loose
against the teeth as an ancient dog's. "Now you know how they feel
when they see you, eh? Scared enough to pee in their pants! He he!" He
looked startled by an unpleasant thought, then cross. "You didn't, did
you ?"

I shook my head.

"Good," he said. "That's valuable stuff you're standing on. Boobies,
hemorrhoids, boils, slaver (nyeh heh heh)... Now." He moved his head
as if adjusting his flaking neck to a tight metal collar and put on
what looked like, for him, a sober expression, like an old drunk
preparing a solemn face for court. Then, as if involuntarily, he
cackled again. It was horrible, horrible! Obscene! He couldn't stop
himself. He cackled so hard a brilliant tear like a giant diamond
rolled down his cheek. And still he couldn't stop. He raised up the
taloned paw and pointed at me. His head tipped back, laughing, blowing
fire out his mouth and nostrils. He tried to say something, but the
laughing got worse. He rolled over on his side, stretching up one
vast, wrinkled wing for balance, covering his eyes with one claw,
still pointing with the other, roaring with laughter and kicking a
little with his two back feet. I felt cross all at once, though I
didn't dare show it. "Like a rabbit!" he brought out. "Nyee he he he!
When you're scared, you look--nyee he he he--exactly... (gasp!)
exactly..."

I scowled and, realizing I had my hands out in front of me like a
rabbit sitting up, I jerked them behind my back. My scowl of rage
nearly finished him.  He hooted, gasped, sobbed, began to choke with
laughter. I forgot myself completely. I snatched up an emerald the
size of a Est and pulled it back to throw it at him. He was sober
instantly. "Put it down!" he said. He drew in breath and turned his
huge head straight at me. I dropped it and fought to keep my bowels
from moving down.

"Don't touch," he said. The old-man voice was as terrible now as the
eyes. It was as if he'd been dead for a thousand years. "Never never
never touch my things, " he said. Flame came out with the words and
singed the hair on my belly and legs. I nodded, trembling all over.
"Good," he said. He stared at me a moment longer, then slowly, slowly
turned his head away. Then, old womanish, as if he were, though still
spiteful, slightly embarrassed, he got back up onto his treasure pile,
stretched out his wings, and settled.

He was in the foulest of moods. I doubted that I could learn anything
from him now. I'd be lucky to get away alive. I thought all at once
about what he'd said: "Now you know how they feel when they see you."
He had a point. From now on I'd stay clear of them. It was one thing
to eat one from time to time--that was only natural: kept them from
overpopulating, maybe starving to death, come winter--but it was
another thing to scare them, give them heart attacks, fill their
nights with nightmares, just for sport.

"Fiddlesticks," the dragon said.

I blinked.

"Fiddlesticks, that's what I said," he repeated. "Why not frighten
them?  Creature, I could tell you things..." He rolled his eyes up
under the heavy lids and made a noise, "Glaagh." He remained that way,
breathing hard with peevish anger. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" he
hissed. "The whole damned kit and caboodle. Why did you come here? Why
do you bother me ?--Don't answer!" he added quickly, stopping me. "I
know what's in your mind. I know everything.  That's what makes me so
sick and old and tired."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Be still!" he screamed. Flame shot clear to the cave-mouth. "I know
you're sorry. For right now, that is. For this one frail, foolish
flicker-flash in the long dull fall of eternity. I'm unimpressed--No
no! Be still!" His eye burst open like a hole, to hush me. I closed my
mouth. The eye was terrible, lowering toward me. I felt as if I were
tumbling down into it--dropping endlessly down through a soundless
void. He let me fall, down and down toward ,a black sun and spiders,
though he knew I was beginning to die. Nothing could have been more
disinterested: serpent to the core.

But then he spoke after all, or rather laughed, and reality snapped
back.  Laughed, spoke, and broke my fall not as a kindness to me but
because of his cold pleasure in knowing what he knew. I was in the
cave again, and his horrible smile was snaking up his wrinkled cheek
and his eye was once more half-closed. "You want the word," he said.
"That's what you've come for. My advice is, don't ask! Do as I do!
Seek out gold--but not my gold--and guard it!"

"Why?" I said.

"BE STILL!" The cave went white with his fire, and the rock walls
roared the echo back. Bats flew like dust in a granary, then returned
to their places, a few at a time, until all was still again,
motionless, as if lifeless. His wings, which had stretched out
slightly, relaxed and settled.

I waited for what seemed hours, huddling, my fingers protecting my
head.

Then: "You want to know about the Shaper."

I nodded.

"Illusion," he said. He half smiled, then let it go as if infinitely
weary, sick of Time. "I know everything, you see," the old voice
wheedled. "The beginning, the present, the end. Everything. You now,
you see the past and the present, like other low creatures: no higher
faculties than memory and perception. But dragons, my boy, have a
whole different kind of mind." He stretched his mouth in a kind of
smile, no trace of pleasure in it. "We see from the mountaintop: all
time, all space. We see in one instant the passionate vision and the
blowout. Not that we cause things to fail, you understand." He was
testy all at once, as if answering an argument that had been put to
him so often he was sick of it. "Dragons don't mess with your piddling
free will. Pah! Listen to me, boy." The dead eye brightened.  "If you
with your knowledge of present and past recall that a certain man
slipped on, say, a banana peel, or fell off his chair, or drowned in a
river, that recollection does not mean that you caused him to slip, or
fall, or drown. Correct? Of course it's correct! It happened, and you
know it, but knowledge is not cause. Of course! Anyone who argues
otherwise is a stupid ignoramus. Well, so with me. My knowledge of the
future does not cause the future.  It merely sees it, exactly as
creatures at your low level recall things past. And even if, say, I
interfere--burn up somebody's meadhall, for instance, whether because
I just feel like it or because some supplicant asked me to--even then
I do not change the future, I merely do what I saw from the beginning.
That's obvious, surely. Let's say it's settled then. So much for free
will and intercession!"

The dragon's eye closed to a slit. "Grendel!"

I jumped.

"Don't look so bored," he said. He scowled, black as midnight. "Think
how I must feel," he said.

I almost said "I'm sorry," but caught myself.

"Man," he said, then left a long pause, letting scorn build up in the
cave like the venom in his breath. "I can see you understand them.
Counters, measurers, theory-makers.

All pigs eat cheese.

Old Snuggle is a pig.

If Snuggle is sick and refuses to eat, try cheese.


Games, games, games!" He snorted fire. "They only think they think. No
total vision, total system, merely schemes with a vague family
resemblance, no more identity than bridges and, say, spiderwebs. But
they rush across chasms on spiderwebs, and sometimes they make it, and
that, they think, settles that! I could tell you a thousand tiresome
stories of their absurdity. They'd map out roads through Hell with
their crackpot theories, their here-to-the-moon and-back lists of
paltry facts. Insanity--the simplest insanity ever devised!  Simple
facts in isolation, and facts to connect them--ands and buts--are the
sine qua non of all their glorious achievement. But there are no such
facts. Connectedness is the essence of everything. It doesn't stop
them, of course. They build the whole world out of teeth deprived of
bodies to chew or be chewed on.

"They sense that, of course, from time to time; have uneasy feelings
that all they live by is nonsense. They have dim apprehensions that
such propositions as 'God does not exist' are somewhat dubious at
least in comparison with statements like 'All carnivorous cows eat
meat.' That's where the Shaper saves them. Provides an illusion of
reality--puts together all their facts with a gluey whine of
connectedness. Mere tripe, believe me. Mere sleight-of-wits. He knows
no more than they do about total reality--less, if anything: works
with the same old clutter of atoms, the givens of his time and place
and tongue. But he spins it all together with harp runs and hoots, and
they think what they think is alive, think Heaven loves them. It keeps
them going--for what that's worth. As for myself, I can hardly bear to
look."

"I see," I said. It was to some extent untrue.

The dragon smiled, seemed almost friendly for an instant. "You've been
very attentive and thoughtful," he said, "all things considered. So I
will tell you about Time and Space."

"Thank you," I said, as heartily as I could manage. I had more than
enough to think about, it seemed to me.

He scowled, and I said no more. He took a deep breath, shifted his
forelegs to a position more comfortable, and, after a moment's
thought, began:

"In all discussions of Nature, we must try to remember the differences
of scale, and in particular the differences of time-span. We (by which
I mean you, not us) are apt to take modes of observable functioning in
our own bodies as setting an absolute scale. But as a matter of fact,
it's extremely rash to extend conclusions derived from observation far
beyond the scale of magnitude to which the observation was confined.
For example, the apparent absence of change within a second of time
tells nothing as to the change within a thousand years. Also, no
appearance of change within a thousand years tells anything concerning
what might happen in, say, a million years; and no apparent change
within a million years tells anything about a million million years.
We can extend this progression indefinitely; there is no absolute
standard of magnitude. Any term in this progression is large compared
to its predecessor and small compared to its successor.

"Again, all special studies presuppose certain fundamental types of
things.  (Here I am using the word 'thing,' notice, in its most
general sense, which can include activities, colors, and all other
sense, also values.) As lower minds function, study, or 'science,' is
concerned with a limited set of various types of things. There is
thus, in the first place, this variety of types. In the second place,
there is the determination as to what types are exhibited in any
indicated situation. For example, there is the singular
proposition--'This is green'--and there is the more general
proposition--'All those things are green.' This type of inquiry is
what your usual reasoning takes care of.  Undoubtedly such inquiries
are essential in the initial stage of any study, for lower minds. But
every such study must strive to get beyond it.  Unfortunately--"

He glanced at me, suspicious. "You're not paying attention."

"I am!" I said, clasping my hands to show my seriousness.

But he shook his head slowly. "Nothing interests you but excitement,
violence."

"That's not true!" I said.

His eye opened wider, his body brightened from end to end. "You tell
me what's true?" he said.

"I'm trying to follow. I do my best," I said. "You should be
reasonable. What do you expect?"

The dragon thought about it, breathing slowly, full of wrath. At last
he closed his eyes. "Let us try starting somewhere else," he said.
"It's damned hard, you understand, confining myself to concepts
familiar to a creature of the Dark Ages. Not that one age is darker
than another. Technical jargon from another dark age." He scowled as
if hardly capable of forcing himself on. Then, after a long moment:
"The essence of life is to be found in the frustrations of established
order. The universe refuses the I deadening influence of complete
conformity. And yet in its refusal, it passes toward novel order as a
primary requisite for important experience. We have to explain the aim
at forms of order, and the aim at novelty of order, and the measure of
success, and the measure of failure. Apart from some understanding,
however dim-witted, of these characteristics of historic process..."
His voice trailed off.

After another long pause, he said: "Approach it this way. Let us take
this jug." He picked up a golden vessel and held it toward me, not
letting me touch it. In spite of himself, as it seemed, he looked
hostile and suspicious, as if he thought I might perhaps be so stupid
as to snatch the thing and run. "How does this jug differ from
something animate?" He drew it back out of reach. "By organization!
Exactly! This jug is an absolute democracy of atoms. It has
importance, or thereness, so to speak, but no Expression, or, loosely,
ah-ha!-ness. Importance is primarily monistic in its reference to the
universe.  Limited to a finite individual occasion, importance ceases
to be important. In some sense or other--we can skip the details--
importance is derived from the immanence of infinitude in the finite.
Expression, however--listen closely now--expression is founded on the
finite occasion. It is the activity of finitude impressing itself on
its environment. Importance passes from the world as one to the world
as many, whereas expression is the gift from the world as many to the
world as one. The laws of nature are large average effects which reign
impersonally. But there is nothing average about expression: it is
essentially individual. Consider one definite molecule--"

"A what?" I said.

The closed eyes squeezed tight. He let out a long, cross sigh of
red-orange fire.

"Put it this way," he said. His voice had grown feeble, as if he were
losing hope. "In the case of vegetables, we find expressive bodily
organizations which lack any one center of experience with a higher
complexity either of expressions received or of inborn data. Another
democracy, but with qualifications, as we shall see. An animal, on the
other hand, is dominated by one or more centers of experience. If the
dominant activity be severed from the rest of the body--if, for
example, we cut off the head--the whole coordination collapses, and
the animal dies. Whereas in the case of the vegetable, the democracy
can be subdivided into minor democracies which easily survive without
much apparent loss of functional expression." He paused. "You at least
follow that?"

"I think so."

He sighed. "Listen. Listen closely! An angry man does not usually
shake his fist at the universe in general. He makes a selection and
knocks his neighbor down. A piece of rock, on the other hand,
impartially attracts the universe according to the law of gravitation.
You grant there's a difference ?"

He waited, furious with impatience. I met his eye as long as I could,
then shook my head. It was unfair. For all I knew he might be telling
me gibberish on purpose. I sat down. Let him babble. Let him burn me
alive. The hell with it.

After a long, long time, he said, "It was stupid of you to come."

I nodded, sulking.

He stretched his wings--it was like a huge, irascible yawn--then
settled again.  "Things come and go," he said. "That's the gist of it.
In a billion billion billion years, everything will have come and gone
several times, in various forms. Even I will be gone. A certain man
will absurdly kill me. A terrible pity--loss of a remarkable form of
life. Conservationists will howl." He chuckled. "Meaningless, however.
These jugs and pebbles, everything, these too will go. Poof! Boobies,
hemorrhoids, boils, slaver..."

"You don't know that!" I said.

He smiled, showing all his teeth, and I knew he knew it.

"A swirl in the stream of time. A temporary gathering of bits, a few
random dust specks, so to speak--pure metaphor, you understand--then
by chance a vast floating cloud of dustspecks, an expanding
universe--" He shrugged.  "Complexities: green dust as well as the
regular kind. Purple dust. Gold.  Additional refinements: sensitive
dust, copulating dust, worshipful dust!" He laughed, hollow as the
cavern around him. "New laws for each new form, of course. New lines
of potential. Complexity beyond complexity, accident on accident,
until--" His leer was like icy wind.

"Go on," I said.

He closed his eyes, still smiling. "Pick an apocalypse, any
apocalypse. A sea of black oil and dead things. No wind. No light.
Nothing stirring, not even an ant, a spider. A silent universe. Such
is the end of the flicker of time, the brief, hot fuse of events and
ideas set off, accidentally, and snuffed out, accidentally, by man.
Not a real ending of course, nor even a beginning. Mere ripple in
Time's stream."

I squinted. "That really could happen?"

"It has happened," he said--and smiled as if it pleased him--"in the
future. I am the witness."

I thought about it for a while, remembering the harp, then shook my
head. "I don't believe you."

"It will come."

I went on squinting at him, hand on my mouth. He could lie. He was
evil enough.

He shook his ponderous head. "Ah, man's cunning mind!" he said, and
cackled.  "Merely a new complexity, a new event, new set of
nonce-rules generating further nonce-rules, down and down and down.
Things lock on, you know. The Devonian fish, the juxtaposed thumb, the
fontanel, technology--click click, click click..."

"I think you're lying," I said, confused again, aswirl in words.

"I noticed that. You'll never know. It must be very frustrating to be
caged like a Chinaman's cricket a limited mind." His cackle lacked
spirit, this time. He was growing very weary of my presence. .

"You said 'Fiddlesticks,'" I said. "Why is it fiddlesticks if I stop
giving people heart attacks over nothing? Why shouldn't one change
one's ways, improve one's character ?" I must have been an interesting
sight, that instant, big shaggy monster intense and earnest, bent like
a priest at his prayers.

He shrugged. "Whatever you like. Do as you think best."

"But why?"

"'Why? Why?' Ridiculous question! Why anything? My advice to you--"

I clenched my fists, though it was absurd, of course. One does not
swing at dragons. "No, why?"

The dragon tipped up his great tusked head, stretched his neck, sighed
fire.  "Ah, Grendel!" he said. He seemed that instant almost to rise
to pity. "You improve them, my boy! Can't you see that yourself? You
stimulate them! You make them think and scheme. You drive them to
poetry, science, religion, all that makes them what they are for as
long as they last. You are, so to speak, the brute existent by which
they learn to define themselves. The exile, captivity, death they
shrink from--the blunt facts of their mortality, their
abandonment--that's what you make them recognize, embrace! You are
mankind, or man's condition: inseparable as the mountain-climber and
the mountain. If you withdraw, you'll instantly be replaced. Brute
existents, you know, are a dime a dozen. No sentimental trash, then.
If man's the irrelevance that interests you, stick with him! Scare him
to glory! It's all the same in the end, matter and motion, simple or
complex. No difference, finally. Death, transfiguration. Ashes to
ashes and slime to slime, amen."

I was sure he was lying. Or anyway half-sure. Flattering me into
tormenting them because he, in his sullen hole, loved viciousness. I
said, "Let them find some other 'brute existent,' whatever that is. I
refuse."

"Do!" he said leering scornfully. "Do something else, by all means!
Alter the future! Make the world a better place in which to live! Help
the poor! Feed the hungry. Be kind to idiots! What a challenge!"

He no longer looked at me, no longer made any pretense of telling the
truth.  "Personally," he said, "my great ambition is to count all
this"--he waved vaguely at the treasure around him--"and possibly sort
it into piles. 'Know thyself,' that's my dictum. Know how much you've
got, and beware of strangers!"

I scraped away rubies and emeralds with the side of my foot. "Let me
tell you what the Shaper said."

"Spare me, I beg you!" He covered his ears with his claws, gave a
hideous grin.

But I was stubborn. "He said that the greatest of gods made the world,
every wonder-bright plain and the turning seas. He said--"

"Ridiculous."

"Why?"

"What god? Where? Life-force, you mean? The principle of process? God
as the history of Chance?"

In some way that I couldn't explain, I knew that his scorn of my
childish credulity was right.

"Nevertheless, something will come of all this," I said.

"Nothing," he said. "A brief pulsation in the black hole of eternity.
My advice to you--"

"Wait and see," I said.

He shook his head. "My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek
out gold and sit on it."


6

Nothing was changed, everything was changed, by my having seen the
dragon. It's one thing to listen, full of scorn and doubt, to poets'
versions of time past and visions of time to come; it's another to
know, as coldly and simply as my mother knows her pile of bones, what
is. Whatever I may have understood or misunderstood in the dragon's
talk, something much deeper stayed with me, became my aura. F utility,
doom, became a smell in the air, pervasive and acrid as the dead smell
after a forest fire--my scent and the world's, the scent of trees,
rocks, waterways wherever I went.

But there was one thing worse. I discovered that the dragon had put a
charm on me: no weapon could cut me. I could walk up to the meadhall
whenever I pleased, and they were powerless. My heart became darker
because of that.  Though I scorned them, sometimes hated them, there
had been something between myself and men when we could fight. Now,
invulnerable, I was as solitary as one live tree in a vast landscape
of coal.

Needless to say, I misunderstood in the beginning: I thought it an
advantage.

It was the height of summer, harvest season in the first year of what
I have come to call my war with Hrothgar. The night air was filled
with the smell of apples and shocked grain, and I could hear the noise
in the meadhall from a mile away. I moved toward it, drawn as always,
as if by some kind of curse. I meant not to be seen that night. For
all the dragon's talk, I had no intention of terrifying Hrothgar's
thanes for nothing. (I had not begun, at that time, my systematic
raids. In fact I hadn't yet admitted to myself that it was war. I
killed stragglers now and then--with a certain grim pleasure very
different from that which I got from cracking a cow's skull--but I'd
never yet struck at the hall, hadn't even revealed myself
there--except on that one ridiculous night when I walked up and tried
to join them.) I hunkered down at the edge of the forest, looking up
the long hill at the meadhall lights. I could hear the Shaper's song.

I no longer remember exactly what he sang. I know only that it had a
strange effect on me: it no longer filled me with doubt and distress,
loneliness, shame. It enraged me. It was their confidence,
maybe--their blissful, swinish ignorance, their bumptious
self-satisfaction, and, worst of all, their hope. I went closer,
darting from cowshed to cowshed and finally up to the wall. I found a
crack and peeked in. I do remember what he said, now that I think
about it. Or some of it. He spoke of how God had been kind to the
Scyldings, sending so rich a harvest. The people sat beaming,
bleary-eyed and fat, nodding their approval of God. He spoke of God's
great generosity in sending them so wise a king. They all raised their
cups to God and Hrothgar, and Hrothgar smiled, bits of food in his
beard. The Shaper talked of how God had vanquished their enemies and
filled up their houses with precious treasure, how they were the
richest, most powerful people on earth, how here and here alone in all
the world men were free and heroes were brave and virgins were
virgins. He ended the song, and people clapped and shouted their
praise and filled their golden cups. All around their bubble of
stupidity I could feel the brume of the dragon.

Then a stick snapped behind me, and the same instant, a dog barked. A
helmeted, chain-mailed guard leaped out at me, sword in two hands
above his head, prepared to split me. I jerked back, but there was
something in the way, and I fell. I tried to roll, and then, out of
the corner of my eye, I saw the sword coming and I knew I couldn't
escape it. I went limp, the way animals sometimes do at the moment of
the predator's leap. Nothing happened.

I was as surprised as the guard. We both stared, I sprawling helpless
on my back, the sword across my belly, the guard leaning forward,
still holding the hilt as if afraid to let it go. His beard and nose
stuck out through the cheekplates, and his eyes, in the shadowed
recess of the helmet, were like two dark holes in a tree. My heart was
pounding, filling my chest with pain. Still, neither of us moved.
Then, almost the same instant, the guard screamed and I roared like a
bull gone mad to drive him off; He let go of the sword and tried to
retreat, walking backward, but he tripped on the dog and fell. I
laughed, a little wild, and reached out fast as a striking snake for
his leg. In a second I was up on my feet again. He screamed, dangling,
and then there were others all around me. They threw javelins and
axes, and one of the men caught the guard's thrashing arms and tried
to yank him free. I held on, but except for that I couldn't act. It
was as if I too was drunk on mead. I saw their weapons come flying
straight at me, saw them touch my fur and drop quietly in the grass.

Then, little by little, I understood. I felt laughter welling up
inside me--at the dragon--charm, at Hrothgar's whispering and
trembling by the meadhall door, at everything--the oblivious trees and
sky, the witless moon. I'd meant them no harm, but they'd attacked me
again, as always. They were crazy. And now at last the grim laughter
came pouring out, as uncontrollable as the dragon's laugh, and I
wanted to say, "Lo, God has vanquished mine enemies!"--but that made
me laugh harder, though even now my heart raced and, in spite of it
all, I was afraid of them. I backed away, still holding the screaming
guard. They merely stared, with their useless weapons drawn, their
shoulders hunched against my laughter. When I'd reached a safe
distance, I held up the guard to taunt them, then held him still
higher and leered into his face. He went silent, looking at me
upside-down in horror, suddenly knowing what I planned.  As if
casually, in plain sight of them all, I bit his head off, crunched
through the helmet and skull with my teeth and, holding the jerking,
blood-slippery body in two hands, sucked the blood that sprayed like a
hot, thick geyser from his neck. It got all over me. Women fainted,
men backed toward the hall. I fled with the body to the woods, heart
churning--boiling like a Hooded ditch--with glee.

Some three or four nights later I launched my first raid. I burst in
when they were all asleep, snatched seven from their beds, and slit
them open and devoured them on the spot. I felt a strange, unearthly
joy. It was as if I'd made some incredible discovery, like my
discovery long ago of the moonlit world beyond the mere. I was
transformed. I was a new focus for the clutter of space I stood in: if
the world had once imploded on the tree where I waited, trapped and
full of pain, it now blasted outward, away from me, screeching terror.
I had become, myself, the mama I'd searched the cliffs for once in
vain. But that merely hints at what I mean. I had become something, as
if born again.  I had hung between possibilities before, between the
cold truths I knew and the heart-sucking conjuring tricks of the
Shaper; now that was passed: I was Grendel, Ruiner of Meadhalls,
Wrecker of Kings!

But also, as never before, I was alone.

I do not complain of it (talking talking, complaining complaining,
filling the world I walk with words). But I admit it was a jolt. It
was a few raids later.  The meadhall door burst open at my touch
exactly as before, and, for once, that night, I hesitated. Men sat up
in their beds, snatched their helmets, swords, and shields from the
covers beside them, and, shouting brave words that came out like
squeals, they threw their legs over the sides to stumble toward me.
Someone yelled, "Remember this hour, ye thanes of Hrothgar, the boasts
you made as the meadbowl passed! Remember our good king's gift of
rings and pay him with all your might for his many kindnesses!"

Damned pompous fools. I hurled a bench at the closest. They all
cowered back.  I stood waiting, bent forward with

my feet apart, flat-footed, till they ended their interminable
orations. I was hunched like a wrestler, moving my head from side to
side, making sure no sneak slipped up on me. I was afraid of them from
habit, and as the four or five drunkest of the thanes came toward me,
shaking their weapons and shouting at me, my idiotic fear of them
mounted. But I held my ground. Then, with a howl, one plunged at me,
sword above his head in both fists. I let it come. The charm held
good. I closed my hand on the blade and snatched it from the drunken
thane's hand and hurled it the length of the hall. It clattered on the
fireplace stones and fell to the stone floor, ringing. I seized him
and crushed him. Another one came at me, gloating in his blear-eyed
heroism, maniacally joyful because he had bragged that he would die
for his king and he was doing it. He did it. Another one came, reeling
and whooping, trying to make his eyes focus.

I laughed. It was outrageous: they came, they fell, howling insanity
about brothers, fathers, glorious Hrothgar, and God. But though I
laughed, I felt trapped, as hollow as a rotten tree. The meadhall
seemed to stretch for miles, out to the edges of time and space, and I
saw myself killing them, on and on and on, as if mechanically, without
contest. I saw myself swelling like bellows on their blood, a
meaningless smudge in a universe dead as old wind over bones,
abandoned except for the burnt-blood scent of the dragon. All at once
I began to smash things--benches, tables, hanging beds--a rage as
meaningless and terrible as everything else.

Then--as a crowning absurdity, my salvation that moment--came the man
the thanes called Unferth.

He stood across the hall from me, youthful, intense, cold sober. He
was taller than the others; he stood out among his fellow thanes like
a horse in a herd of cows. His nose was as porous and dark as volcanic
rock. His light beard grew in patches.

"Stand back," he said.

The drunken little men around me backed away. The hallfloor between
us, Unferth and myself, lay open. ,

"Monster, prepare to die!" he said. Very righteous. The wings of his
nostrils flared and quivered like an outraged priest's.

I laughed. "Aargh!" I said. I spit bits of bone.

He glanced behind him, making sure he knew exactly where the window
was. "Are you right with your god ?" he said. I laughed somewhat more
fiercely. He was one of those. He took a tentative step toward me,
then paused, holding his sword out and shaking it. "Tell them in Hell
that Unerth, son of Ecglaf sent you, known far and wide in these
Scanian lands as a hero among the Scyldings." He took a few sidesteps,
like one wrestler circling another, except that he was thirty feet
away; the maneuver was ridiculous.

"Come, come," I said. "Let me tell them I was sent by
Sideways-Walker."

He frowned, trying to puzzle out my speech. I said it again, louder
and slower, and a startled look came over him. Even now he didn't know
what I was saying, but it was clear to him, I think, that I was
speaking words. He got a cunning look, as if getting ready to offer a
deal--the look men have when they fight with men instead of poor
stupid animals.

He was shaken, and to get back his nerve he spoke some more. "For many
months, unsightly monster, you've murdered men as you pleased in
Hrothgar's hall.  Unless you can murder me as you've murdered lesser
men, I give you my word those days are done forever! The king has
given me splendid gifts. He will see tonight that his gifts have not
gone for nothing! Prepare to fall, foul thing!  This one red hour
makes your reputation or mine!"

I shook my head at him, wickedly smiling. "Reputation!" I said,
pretending to be much impressed.

His eyebrows shot up. He'd understood me ; no doubt of it now. "You
can talk!" he said. He backed away a step.

I nodded, moving in on him. Near the center of the room there was a
trestle table piled high with glossy apples. An evil idea came over
me--so evil it made me shiver as I smiled--and I sidled across to the
table. "So you're a hero," I said. He didn't get it, and I said it
twice more before I gave up in disgust. I talked on anyway, let him
get what he could, come try for reputation when he pleased. "I'm
impressed," I said. "I've never seen a live hero before. I thought
they were only in poetry. Ah, ah, it must be a terrible burden,
though, being a hero--glory reaper, harvester of monsters! Everybody
always watching you, weighing you, seeing if you're still heroic. You
know how it is--he he!  Sooner or later the harvest virgin will make
her mistake in the haystack." I laughed.

The dragon-scent in the room grew stronger, as if my teasing were
bringing the old beast near. I picked up an apple and polished it
lightly and quickly on the hair of my arm. I had my head bowed,
smiling, looking at him up through my eyebrows.

"Dread creature--" he said.

I went on polishing the apple, smiling. "And the awful inconvenience,"
I said.  "Always having to stand erect, always having to find noble
language! It must wear on a man."

He looked hurt and slightly indignant. He'd understood.

"Wretched shape--" he said.

"But no doubt there are compensations," I said. "The pleasant feeling
of vast superiority, the easy success with women--"

"Monster!" he howled.

"And the joy of self-knowledge, that's a great compensation! The easy
and absolute certainty that whatever the danger, however terrible the
odds, you'll stand firm, behave with the dignity of a hero, yea, even
to the grave!"

"No more talk!" he yelled. His voice broke. He lifted his sword to
make a run at me, and I laughed--howled--and threw an apple at him.
He dodged, and then his mouth dropped open. I laughed harder, threw
another. He dodged again.

"Hey!" he yelled. A forgivable lapse. And now I was raining apples at
him and laughing myself weak. He covered his head, roaring at me. He
tried to charge through the barrage, but he couldn't make three feet.
I slammed one straight into his pock-marked nose, and blood spurted
out like joining rivers. It made the floor slippery, and he went down.
Clang! I bent double with laughter. Poor Jangler--Unferth--tried to
take advantage of it, charging at me on all fours, snatching at my
ankles, but I jumped back and tipped over the table on him, half
burying him in apples as red and innocent as smiles. He screamed and
thrashed, trying to get at me and at the same time trying to see if
the others were watching. He was crying, only a boy, famous hero or
not: a poor miserable virgin.

"Such is life," I said, and mocked a sigh. "Such is dignity!" Then I
left him. I got more pleasure from that apple fight than from any
other battle in my life.

I was sure, going back to my cave (it was nearly dawn), that he
wouldn't follow. They never did. But I was wrong; he was a new kind of
Scylding. He must have started tracking me that same morning. A driven
man, a maniac. He arrived at the cave three nights later.

I was asleep. I woke up with a start, not sure what it was that had
awakened me. I saw my mother moving slowly and silently past me, blue
murder in her eyes. I understood instantly, not with my mind but with
something quicker, and I darted around in front to block her way. I
pushed her back.

There he lay, gasping on his belly like a half drowned rat. His face
and throat and arms were a crosshatch of festering cuts, the leavings
of the firesnakes.  His hair and beard hung straight down like
seaweed. He panted for a long time, then rolled his eyes up, vaguely
in my direction. In the darkness he couldn't see me, though I could
see him. He closed his hand on the sword hilt and jiggled the sword a
little, too weak to raise it off the floor.

"Unferth has come!" he said. I smiled. My mother moved back and forth
like a bear behind me, stirred up by the smell.

He crawled toward me, the sword noisily scraping on the cave's rock
floor. Then he gave out again. "It will be sung," he whispered, then
paused again to get wind. "It will be sung year on year and age on age
that Unferth went down through the burning lake--" he paused to pant
"--and gave his life in battle with the world-rim monster." He let his
cheek fall to the floor and lay panting for a long time, saying
nothing. It dawned on me that he was waiting for me to kill him. I did
nothing. I sat down and put my elbows on my knees and my chin on my
fists and merely watched. He lay with his eyes closed and began to get
his breath back. He whispered: "It's all very well to make a fool of
me before my fellow thanes. All very well to talk about dignity and
noble language and all the rest, as if heroism were a golden trinket,
mere outward show, and hollow. But such is not the case, monster. That
is to say--" He paused, seemed to grope; he'd lost his train of
thought.

I said nothing, merely waited, blocking my mother by stretching out an
arm when she came near. "Even now you mock me," Unferth whispered. I
had an uneasy feeling he was close to tears. If he wept, I was not
sure I could control myself. His pretensions to uncommon glory were
one thing. If for even an instant he pretended to misery like mine...

"You think me a witless fool," he whispered. "Oh, I heard what you
said. I caught your nasty insinuations. 'I thought heroes were only in
poetry,' you said. Implying that what I've made of myself is mere
fairytale stuff." He raised his head, trying to glare at me, but his
blind stare was in the wrong direction, following my mother's pacing.
"Well, it's not, let me tell you." His lips trembled and I was certain
he would cry, I would have to destroy him from pure disgust, but he
held it. He let his head fall again and sucked for air. A little of
his voice came back, so that he no longer had to whisper but could
bring out his words in a slightly reedy whine. "Poetry's trash, mere
clouds of words, comfort to the hopeless. But this is no cloud, no
syllabled phantom that stands here shaking its sword at you."

I let the slight exaggeration pass.

But Unferth didn't. "Or lies here," he said. "A hero is not afraid to
face cruel truth." That reminded him, apparently, of what he'd meant
to say before.  "You talk of heroism as noble language, dignity. It's
more than that, as my coming here has proved. No man above us will
ever know whether Unferth died here or fled to the hills like a
coward. Only you and I and God will know the truth. That's inner
heroism."

"Hmm," I said. It was not unusual, of course, to hear them contradict
themselves, but I would have liked it if he'd stuck to one single
version, either that they would know and sing his tragedy or that they
wouldn't. So it would have been in a poem, surely, if Unferth were a
character, good or evil, heroic or not. But reality, alas, is
essentially shoddy. I let out a sigh.

He jerked his head up, shocked. "Does nothing have value in your
horrible ruin of a brain?"

I waited. The whole shit-ass scene was his idea, not mine.

I saw the light dawning in his eyes. "I understand," he said. I
thought he would laugh at the bottomless stupidity of my cynicism, but
while the laugh was still starting at the corners of his eyes, another
look came, close to fright.  "You think me deluded. Tricked by my own
walking fairytale. You think I came without a hope of winning--came to
escape indignity by suicide!" He did laugh now, not amused: sorrowful
and angry. The laugh died quickly.

"I didn't know how deep the pool was," he said. "I had a chance. I
knew I had no more than that. It's all a hero asks for."

I sighed. The word "hero" was beginning to grate. He was an idiot. I
could crush him like a fly, but I held back.

"Go ahead, scoff," he said, petulant. "Except in the life of a hero,
the whole world's meaningless. The hero sees values beyond what's
possible. That's the nature of a hero. It kills him, of course,
ultimately. But it makes the whole struggle of humanity worthwhile."

I nodded in the darkness. "And breaks up the boredom," I said.

He raised up on his elbows, and the effort of it made his shoulders
shake. "One of us is going to die tonight. Does that break up your
boredom?"

"It's not true," I said. "A few minutes from now I'm going to carry
you back to Hrothgar, safe and sound. So much for poetry."

"I'll kill myself," he whispered. He shook violently now.

"Up to you," I answered reasonably, "but you'll admit it may seem at
least a trifle cowardly to some." His fists closed and his teeth
clenched; then he relaxed and lay flat.

I waited for him to find an answer. Minutes passed. It came to me that
he had quit. He had glimpsed a glorious ideal, had struggled toward it
and seized it and come to understand it, and was disappointed. One
could sympathize.

He was asleep.

I picked him up gently and carried him home. I laid him at the door of
Hrothgar's meadhall, still asleep, killed the two guards so I wouldn't
be misunderstood, and left.

He lives on, bitter, feebly challenging my midnight raids from time to
time (three times this summer), crazy with shame that he alone is
always spared, and furiously jealous of the dead. I laugh when I see
him. He throws himself at me, or he cunningly sneaks up behind,
sometimes in disguise--a goat, a dog, a sickly old woman--and I roll
on the floor with laughter. So much for heroism.  So much for the
harvest-virgin. So much, also, for the alternative visions of blind
old poets and dragons.

7

Balance is everything, riding out time like a helmless sheep-boat,
keel to hellward, mast upreared to prick out heaven's eye. He he!
(Sigh.) My enemies define themselves (as the dragon said) on me. As
for myself, I could finish them off in a single night, pull down the
great carved beams and crush them in the meadhall, along with their
mice, their tankards and potatoes--yet I hold back. I am hardly blind
to the absurdity. Form is function. What will we call the
Hrothgar-Wrecker when Hrothgar has been wrecked? (Do a little dance,
beast. Shrug it 0H. This looks like a nice place--oooh, my!--flat
rock, moonlight, views of distances! Sing!


Pity poor Hrothgar,

Grendel's foe!

Pity poor Grendel,

O, O, O!


Winter soon.

(whispering, whispering. Grendel, has it occurred to you my dear that
you are crazy?)

(He clasps hands delicately over his head, points the toes of one
foot--aaie! horrible nails!!--takes a step, does a turn:


Grendel is crazy,

O, O, O!

Thinks old Hrothgar

Makes it snow!


Balance is everything, tiding out rhyme...


Pity poor Grengar,

Hrothdel's foe!

Down goes the whirlpool:

Eek! No, no!


It will be winter soon.

Midway through the twelfth year of my idiotic war. Twelve is, I hope,
a holy number. Number of escapes from traps.

[He searches the moonlit world for signs, shading his eyes against the
dimness, standing on one shaggy foot, just slightly bloodstained, one
toe missing from an old encounter with an ax. Three dead trees on the
moor below, burned up alive by lightning, are ominous portents.  (Oh
man, us portents!) Also trees. On a frostbitten hill in the distance,
men on horses. "Over here!" he screams. Waves his arms. They hesitate,
feign deafness, ride away north.  Shoddy, he observes. The whole
chilly universe, shoddy.]

Enough of that! A night for tearing heads off, bathing in blood!
Except, alas, he has killed his quota for the season. Care, take care
of the gold-egg-laying goose! There is no limit to desire but desire's
needs. (Grendel's law.)

The scent of the dragon. Heavy all around me, almost visible before
me, like my breath.

I will count my numberless blessings one by one.


I. My teeth are sound.

I. The roof of my cave is sound.

I. I have not committed the ultimate act of nihilism: I have not
killed the queen.

I. Yet.


(He lies on the cliff-edge, scratching his belly, and thoughtfully
watches his thoughtfully watching the queen.)

Not easy to define. Mathematically, perhaps a torus, loosely
cylindrical, with swellings and constrictions at intervals,
knobbed--that is to say, a surface generated, more or less, by the
revolutions of a conic about an axis lying in its plane, and the solid
thus enclosed. It is difficult, of course, to be precise. For one
thing, the problem of determining how much is queen and how much
queenly radiation.

The monster laughs.

Time-Space cross-section: Wealtheow.

Cut A:

It was the second year of my raiding. The army of the Scyldings was
weakened, decimated. No more the rumble of Hrothgar's horsemen, riding
at midnight, chain-mail jangling in the whistling wind, cloaks flying
out like wimpling wings, to rescue petty tribute-givers. (O listen to
me, hills!) He couldn't protect his own hall, much less theirs. I cut
down my visits, conserving the game, and watched them. Nature lover.
For weeks, all day and far into the night, he met with his counselors,
talking, praying, moaning. I became aware, listening to them, that I
was not their only threat. Far to the east of Hrothgar's hall there
was a new hall a-building, its young king gaining fame. As Hrothgar
had done, this younger king was systematically burning and plundering
nearby halls, extending the circle of his tribute power. He was
striking now at the outer rim of Hrothgar's sphere; it was only a
matter of time before he struck Hrothgar. The counselors talked and
drank and wept, sometimes Hrothgar's allies among them. The Shaper
sang songs. The men stood with their braceleted arms around one
another's shoulders--men who not long before had been the bitterest of
enemies--and I watched it all, wringing my fingers, smiling rage. The
leaves turned red. The purple blooms of thistles became black behind
the people's houses, and migrant birds moved through.

Then, from all corners of Hrothgar's sphere of influence and from
towns beyond--the vassals' vassals--an army began to form. They came
walking or riding, oxen dragging their wagonloads of shields, spears,
tents, clothes, food. Every night when I went down to look there were
more of them. Cartwheels tall as a man, with rough, square spokes.
Big-hoofed gray horses spackled like wolves, that rolled their eyes
and whinnied at my footfall, leagued with men as if strapped to their
business by harness I could not see. Horns cracked out in the
darkening stillness; grindstones screeched. The crisp air reeked with
the aftersmell of their cooking.

They made camp in a sloping pasture rimmed by enormous oak trees and
pines and nut trees, a stream moving down through the center, over
steps of rock. Where the forest began, there was a lake. Every night
there were new groups of campfires to push away the frost, and soon
there was hardly a place to stand, there were so many men and animals.
The grass, the withering leaves were full of whispering, but the
campground was hushed, muffled by their presence, as if blighted. I
watched from my hiding place. They talked in mumbles or not at all.
Message carriers moved from fire to fire, talking softly with the
leaders.  Their rich furs shone like birds' wings in the firelight.
Heavily guarded, the younger soldiers pushed through the crowd and,
all night long, washed clothes and cooking ware in the stream until
the water was thick with dirt and grease and no longer made a sound as
it dropped toward the lake. When they slept, guards and dogs watched
over them in herds. Before dawn, men rose to exercise the horses,
polish weapons, or move out with bows in search of deer.

Then one night when I went down to spy, they were gone, vanished like
starlings from a tree. I followed their trail--footprints, hoofprints,
and wagon ruts cutting a wide dirty swath toward the east. When I came
in sight of them, I slowed down, laughing and hugging myself; it was
going to be a massacre. They marched all night, then scattered into
the forest like wolves and slept all day without fires. I snatched an
ox and devoured it, leaving no trace. At dusk, they formed again. At
midnight the armies arrived at the antlered hall.

Hrothgar called out to him, glorious protector of the Scyldings,
hoarfrost bearded: "Hygmod, lord of the Helmings, greet your guests!"
Unferth stood beside him, his huge arms folded on his byrnie. He stood
with his head bowed, eyes mere slits, clamped mouth hidden where his
mustache overlapped his beard.  Bitterness went out from him like
darkness made visible: Unferth the hero (known far and wide in these
Scanian lands), isolated in that huge crowd like a poisonous snake
aware of what it was. King Hrothgar called again.

The young king came out, well armed, leading a bear and six retainers.
He looked around him, blond and pale, arms ringed with gold, a vague
smile hiding his shock. The army of the Scyldings and all their allies
stretched off in the darkness as far as the eye could see--down the
slopes of the hill, down the stone-paved roadways, away into the
trees.

Hrothgar made a speech, lifting his ashspear and shaking it. The young
man waited like stone, his gloved right hand grasping the chain that
led the bear.  He had no chance, and he knew it. Everyone knew it but
the bear beside him, standing upright, considering the crowd. I
smiled. I could smell the blood that would drench the ground before
morning came. There was a light breeze, a scent of winter in it. It
stirred the fur on the men's clothes and rattled the leaves around me.
The bear dropped down on all fours and grunted. The king jerked the
chain. Then an old man came out of the meadhall, went to the young
king, just clear of the bear, and spoke to him. Hrothgar and all his
allies were silent, waiting. The young king and the old man talked.
The retainers at the meadhall door joined in, their voices low. I
waited. Hrothgar's whole army was silent.  Then the young king moved
toward Hrothgar. A rumble went through the crowd, then fell away like
a wave retreating, drawing pebbles out from shore. At last, very
slowly, the young king drew out his sword, with his left hand--a sign
of truce--and dropped it, as if casually, in front of Hrothgar's
horse.

"We will give you gifts," the young king said, "splendid tribute in
sign of our great respect for the honorable Scyldings." His voice and
smile were gracious.  His eyes, slanting downward like the eyes of a
fish, were expressionless as dried-up wells.

Unferth laughed, all alone in the silence. The sound rolled away to
the darkness to die among trees.

Hrothgar, white-haired, white-bearded as the ice-god, shook his head.
"There is no gift your people can give the Scyldings," he said. "You
think you can buy a little time with gold, and then some night when
we're sitting at our mead, you and all your brave allies will come
down on us--crash!--as we tonight have come down on you, and no gift
we can offer then will turn away your fury." The old man smiled, his
eyes wicked. "Do you take us for children that play in the yards with
pets? What could we give you that you couldn't take by force, and at
that time take from us tenfold?"

Unferth smiled, looking at the bear. The young king showed nothing,
accepting the joke and the argument as if he'd been expecting them. He
gave the chain another jerk and the bear moved closer to him. When
he'd waited long enough, he looked back up at Hrothgar.

"We can give you such piles of treasure," he said, "that I have
nothing left to pay an army with. Then you'll be safe."

Hrothgar laughed. "You're crafty, lord of the Helmings. A king shrewd
with words can mount a great army on promises. The treasure you'd take
by destroying my house could make all your swordsmen rich. Come, come!
No more talk! It's a chilly night, and we have cows to milk in the
morning. Take up your weapons.  We'll give you ground. We haven't come
to kill you like foxes in a hole." But the young king waited on. He
was still smiling, though his eyes had no life in them. He had
something in reserve, some ingenious product of his counselor's wits
that would overwhelm their scheme. He said, speaking more quietly than
before, "I will show you a treasure that will change your mind, great
Hrothgar." He turned to an attendant and made a sign. The attendant
went into the meadhall.

After a long time he returned. He was carrying nothing. Behind him,
men opened the meadhall door wide. Light V burst over the hillside and
glinted on the weapons and eyes of the Scyldings. The bear stirred,
restless, irritable, like the young king's anger removed to the end of
a chain. Old Hrothgar waited.

Then at last, moving slowly, as if walking in a dream, a woman in a
robe of threaded silver came gliding from the hall. Her smooth long
hair was as red as fire and soft as the ruddy sheen on dragon's gold.
Her face was gentle, mysteriously calm. The night became more still.
"I offer you my sister," the young king said. "Let her name from now
on be Wealtheow, or holy servant of common good."

I leered in the rattling darkness of my tree. The name was ridiculous.
"Pompous, pompous ass!" I hissed. But she was beautiful and she
surrendered herself with the dignity of a sacrificial virgin. My chest
was full of pain, my eyes smarted, and I was afraid--O monstrous trick
against reason--I was afraid I was about to sob. I wanted to smash
things, bring down the night with my howl of rage. But I kept still.
She was beautiful, as innocent as dawn on winter hills. She tore me
apart as once the Shaper's song had done. As if for my benefit, as if
in vicious scorn of me, children came from the meadhall and ran down
to her, weeping, to snatch at her hands and dress.

"Stop it!" I whispered. "Stupid!"

She did not look at them, merely touched their heads. "Be still," she
said--hardly more than a whisper, but it carried across the crowd.
They were still, as if her voice were magic. I clenched my teeth,
tears streaming from my eyes. She was like a child, her sweet face
paler than the moon. She looked up at Hrothgar's beard, not his eyes,
afraid of him. "My lord," she said.

O woe! O wretched violation of sense!

I could see myself leaping from my high tree and running on all fours
through the crowd to her, howling, whimpering, throwing myself down,
drooling and groveling at her small, fur-booted feet. "Mercy!" I would
howl. "Aargh!  Burble!" I clamped my palms over my eyes and struggled
not to laugh.

No need to say more. The old king accepted the younger king's gift,
along with some other things--swords and cups, some girls and young
men, her servants. For several days both sides made speeches,
long--winded, tediously poetic, all lies, and then, with much soft
weeping and sniffling, the Scyldings loaded up Wealtheow and the
lesser beauties, made a few last touching observations, and went home.




A bad winter. I couldn't lay a hand on them, prevented as if by a
charm. I huddled in my cave, grinding my teeth, beating my forehead
with my fists and cursing nature. Sometimes I went up to the frozen
cliffwall and looked down, down, at where the lights lay blue, like
the threads running out from a star, patterning the snow. My fists
struck out at the cliffs ice-crusted rock. It was no satisfaction. In
the cave again, I listened to my mother move back and forth, a pale
shape driven by restlessness and rage at the restlessness and rage she
felt in me and could not cure. She would gladly have given her life to
end my suffering--horrible, humpbacked, carp-toothed creature, eyes on
fire with useless, mindless love. Who could miss the grim parallel?
So the lady below would give, had given, her life for those she loved.
So would any simpering, eyelash-batting female in her court, given the
proper setup, the minimal conditions. The smell of the dragon lay
around me like sulphurous smoke. At times I would wake up in panic,
unable to breathe.

At times I went down.

She carried the mealbowl from table to table, smiling quietly, as if
the people she served, her husband's people, were her own. The old
king watched with thoughtful eyes, moved as he'd have been by the
Shaper's music, except that it was different: not visions of glorious
things that might be or sly revisions of the bloody past but present
beauty that made time's How seem illusory, some lower law that now had
been suspended. Meaning as quality. When drunken men argued, pitting
theory against theory, bludgeoning each other's absurdities, she came
between them, wordless, uncondemning, pouring out mead like a mother's
love, and they were softened, reminded of their humanness, exactly as
they might have been softened by the cry of a child in danger, or an
old man's suffering, or spring. The Shaper sang things that had never
crossed his mind before: comfort, beauty, a wisdom softer, more
permanent, than Hrothgar's. The old king watched, remote from the
queen, though she shared his bed, and he mused.

One night she paused in front of Unferth. He sat hunched, bitterly
smiling, as always, his muscles taut as old nautical ropes in a
hurricane. He was ugly as a spider.

"My lord?" she said. She often called the thanes "my lord." Servant of
even the lowliest among them.

"No thank you," he said. He shot a glance at her, then looked down,
smiled fiercely. She waited, expressionless except for perhaps the
barest trace of puzzlement. He said, "I've had enough."

Down the table a man made bold by mead said, "Men have been known to
kill their brothers when they've too much mead. Har, har."

A few men laughed.

Unferth stiffened. The queen's face paled. Once again Unferth glanced
up at the queen, then away. His fists closed, tight, resting on the
table in front of him, inches from his knife. No one moved. The hall
became still. She stood strange-eyed, as if looking out from another
world and time. Who can say what she understood? I knew, for one, that
the brother-killer had put on the Shaper's idea of the hero like a
merry mask, had seen it torn away, and was now reduced to what he was:
a thinking animal stripped naked of former illusions, stubbornly
living on, ashamed and meaningless, because killing himself would be,
like his life, unheroic. It was a paradox nothing could resolve but a
murderous snicker. The moment stretched, a snag in time's stream, and
still no one moved, no one spoke. As if defiantly, Unferth, murderer
of brothers, again raised his eyes to the queen's, and this time
didn't look down. Scorn? Shame?

The queen smiled. Impossibly, like roses blooming in the heart of
December, she said, "That's past." And it was.  The demon was
exorcised. I saw his hands unclench, relax, and--torn between tears
and a bellow of scorn--I crept back to my cave.

It was not, understand, that she had secret wells of joy that
overflowed to them all. She lay beside the sleeping king--I watched
wherever she went, a crafty guardian, wealthy in wiles--and her eyes
were open, the lashes bright with tears. She was more child, those
moments, than woman. Thinking of home, remembering paths in the land
of the Helmings where she'd played before she'd lain aside her
happiness for theirs. She held the naked, bony king as if he were the
child, and nothing between him and the darkness but her white arm.
Sometimes she'd slip from the bed while he slept and would cross to
the door and go out alone into the night. Alone and never alone.
Instantly, guards were all around her, gem-woman priceless among the
Scylding treasures.  She would stand in the cold wind looking east,
one hand clutching her robe to her throat, the silent guards
encircling her like trees. Child though she was, she would show no
sign of her sorrow in front of them. At last some guard would speak to
her, would mention the cold, and Wealtheow would smile and nod her
thanks and go back in.

Once that winter her brother came, with his bear and a great troop of
followers, to visit. Their talk and laughter rumbled up to the
cliffwall. The double band drank, the Shaper sang, and then they drank
again. I listened from a distance for as long as I could stand it,
clenching my mind on the words of the dragon, then, helpless as
always, I went down. The wind howled, piling up snow in drifts and
blinding the night with ice-white dust. I walked bent over against the
cold, protecting my eyes with my arms. Trees, posts, cowsheds loomed
into my vision, then vanished, swallowed in white. When I came near
Hart, I could smell the guards of the hall all around me, but I
couldn't see them--nor, of course, could they see me. I went straight
to the wall, plunging through drifts to my knees, and pressed up
against it for its warmth. It trembled and shook from the noise
inside. I bent down to the crack I'd used before and watched.

She was brighter than the hearthfire, talking again with her family
and friends, observing the antics of the bear. It was the king, old
Hrothgar, who carried the meadbowl from table to table tonight. He
walked, dignified, from group to group, smiling and filling the
drinking cups, and you'd have sworn from his look that never until
tonight had the old man been absolutely happy.  He would glance at his
queen from time to time as he moved among his people and hers, the
Danes and Helmings, and with each glance his smile would grow warmer
for a moment, and a thoughtful look would come over his eyes. Then it
would pass--some gesture or word from a guest or one of his Scylding
thanes--and he would be hearty, merry: not false, exactly, but less
than what he was at the moment of the glance. As for the queen, she
seemed not to know he was there.  She sat beside her brother, her hand
on his arm, the other hand on the arm of a shriveled old woman,
precious relative. The bear sat with his feet stuck out, playing with
his penis and surveying the hall with a crotchety look, as if dimly
aware that there was something about him that humans could not
approve.  The Helming guests all talked at once, eagerly, constantly,
as if squeezing all their past into an evening. I couldn't hear what
they said. The hall was a roar--voices, the clink of cups, the shuffle
of feet. Sometimes Wealtheow would tip back her head, letting her
copper-red hair fall free, and laugh; sometimes she listened, head
cocked, now smiling, now soberly pursing her lips, only offering a
nod. Hrothgar went back to his high, carved chair, relinquishing the
bowl to the noblest of his thanes, and sat like an old man listening
inside his mind to the voices of his childhood. Once, for a long
moment, the queen looked at him while listening to her brother, her
eyes as thoughtful as Hrothgar's.  Then she laughed and talked again,
and the king conversed with the man on his left; it was as if their
minds had not met. Later that night they passed a harp--not the old
Shaper's instrument, no one touched that--and the queen's brother
sang. He was no artist, with either his fingers or his throat, but all
the hall was silent, listening. He sang, childlike except for the
winter in his gray eyes, of a hero who'd killed a girl's old father
out of love of the girl, and how the girl after that had both loved
and hated the hero and finally had killed him. Wealtheow smiled, full
of sorrow, as she listened. The bear irritably watched the dogs. Then
others sang. Old Hrothgar watched and listened, brooding on dangers.
(The queen's brother had straw-yellow hair and eyes as gray as slate.
Sometimes when he stole a glance at Hrothgar, his face was a knife.)

Toward morning, they all went to bed. Half buried in snow, the deadly
cold coming up through my feet, I kept watch. The queen put her hand
on Hrothgar's bare shoulder as he slept and looked at him
thoughtfully, exactly as Hrothgar had looked at her and at his people.
She moved a strand of hair from his face.  After a long, long time she
closed her eyes, but even now I wasn't sure she was asleep.




And so in my cave, coughing from the smoke and clenching feet on fire
with chilblains, I ground my teeth on my own absurdity. Whatever their
excuse might be, I had none, I knew: I had seen the dragon. Ashes to
ashes. And yet I was teased--tortured by the red of her hair and the
set of her chin and the white of her shoulders--teased toward
disbelief in the dragon's truths. A glorious moment was coming, my
chest insisted, and even the fact that I myself would have no part in
it--a member of the race God cursed, according to the Shaper's
tale--was trifling. In my mind I watched her freckled hand move on the
old man's arm as once I'd listened to the sigh of the Shaper's harp.
Ah, woe, woe!  How many times must a creature be dragged down the same
ridiculous road? The Shaper's lies, the hero's self-delusion, now
this: the idea of a queen! My mother, breathing hard, scraping through
her hair with her crooked nails, watched me and sometimes moaned.

And so, the next night--it was dark as pitch--I burst the meadhall
door, killed men, and stormed directly to the door behind which lay
the sleeping queen.  Glorious Unferth slept beside it. He rose to
fight me. I slapped him aside like a troublesome colt. The queen's
brother rose, unleashed the bear. I accepted its hug in my own and
broke its back. I slammed into the bedroom. She sat up screaming, and
I laughed. I snatched her foot, and now her unqueenly shrieks were
deafening, exactly like the squeals of a pig. No one would defend her,
not even suicidal Unferth at the door, screaming his
rage--self-hatred. Old Hrothgar shook and made lunatic noises and
drooled. I could have jerked her from the bed and stove in her
golden-haired head against the wall. They watched in horror, Helmings
on one side, Scyldings on the other (balance is anything), and I
caught the other foot and pulled her naked legs apart as if to split
her.  "Gods, gods!" she screamed. I waited to see if the gods would
come, but not a sign of them. I laughed. She called to her brother,
then Unferth. They hung back. I decided to kill her. I firmly
committed myself to killing her, slowly, horribly. I would begin by
holding her over the fire and cooking the ugly hole between her legs.
I laughed harder at that. They were all screaming now, hooting and
yawling to their dead-stick gods. I would kill her, yes! I would
squeeze out her feces between my fists. So much for meaning as quality
of life!  I would kill her and teach them reality. Grendel the
truth--teacher, phantasm-tester! It was what I would be from this day
forward--my commitment, my character as long as I lived--and nothing
alive or dead could change my mind!

I changed my mind. It would be meaningless, killing her. As
meaningless as letting her live. It would be, for me, mere pointless
pleasure, an illusion of order for this one frail, foolish
flicker--flash in the long dull fall of eternity. (End quote.)

I let go her feet. The people stared, unbelieving. I had wrecked
another theory. I left the hall.

But I'd cured myself. That much, at least, I could say for my
behavior. I concentrated on the memory of the ugliness between her
legs (bright tears of blood) and laughed as I ran through the heavy
snow. The night was still. I could hear their crying in the meadhall.
"Ah, Grendel, you sly old devil!" I whispered to the trees. The words
rang false. (The east was gray.) I hung balanced, a creature of two
minds; and one of them said--unreasonable, stubborn as the
mountains--that she was beautiful. I resolved, absolutely and finally,
to kill myself, for love of the Baby Grendel that used to be. But the
next instant, for no particular reason, I changed my mind.

Balance is everything, sliding down slime....

Cut B.


8

After the murder of Halga the Good,

dear younger brother of bold king Hrothgar

(helm of the Scyldings, sword-hilt handler,

bribe-gold bender who by his wife had

now two sons) came Hrothulf out of

orphan's woe to Hart.


(O hear me,

rocks and trees, load waterfalls! You imagine I tell you

these thin gs just to hear myself speak? A little respect

there, brothers and sisters!


(Thus poor Grendel, anger's child,

red eyes hidden in the dark of verbs,

brachiating with a hoot from rhyme to rhyme.)




SCENE: The Arrival of Hrothulf at Hart.

"Hrothulf! Come to Aunt Wealtheow!

You poor, poor dear boy!"

"It is very kind of you, madam, to take me in."

"Nonsense, dearest! You're Hrothgar's flesh and blood!"

"So I'm told." A mumble. Trace of smile.

The old king frowns in his carved chair.

The boy has the manners, he broods, of a half-tamed wolf.

Fourteen years old and already a God-damned pretender?

Age, old chain of victories, where is your comfort?

He clears his throat.

No no; I jump to conclusions.

The boy has been through a bad time,

naturally. Father-funeral and all the rest.

And gifted, of course, with a proud heart,

like all his line. (Oft Scyld Shefing...)

(The hawk in the rafters hands down no opinion.)

The Shaper sings--the harp soughing out through the long

room

like summer wind--"By deeds worth praise

a man can, in any kingdom, prosper!"

So.

The boy sits solemn and hears the harp

behind closed eyes. The October hills in his calm mind

run wolves.

Theorum: Any action (A) of the human heart

must trigger an equal and opposite reaction (A^1).

Such is the golden opinion of the Shaper.

And so--I watch in glee--they take in Hrothulf;

quiet as the moon, sweet scorpion,

he sits between their two and cleans his knife.

SCENE: Hrothulf in the Yard.

Hrothulf speaks:

In ratty furs the peasants hoe their fields,

fat with stupidity, if not with flesh. Their foodsmells

foul the doorways, dungeon dark, where cow-eyed girls

give tit to the next generation's mindless hoe. Old men

with ringworm in their beards limp dusty lanes

to gather like bony dogs at the god--lined square

where the king's justice is dispensed; to nod like crows

at slips of the tongue by which a horse is lost, or delicate

mistakes

of venue through which murderers run free. "Long live

the king!" they squeak, "to whom we owe all joy!"

Obese with imagined freedom if not with fat, great lords

of lords look down with cowdog eyes and smile.

"All's well," they sigh. "Long live the king! All's well!"

Law rules the land. Men's violence is chained

to good (i.e., to the king): legitimate force

that chops the bread-thief's neck and wipes its ax.--Death

by book.


Think, sweating beast! Look up and think!


Whence came these furs on the backs of your kind

protectors?

Why does the bread--thief die and the murdering thane

escape by a sleight by the costliest of advocates?

Think! Squeeze up your wrinkled face

and seize the hangnail tip of a searing thought:

Violence hacked this shack-filled hole in the woods where you play
freedom game. Violence no more legitimate then

than a wolf's. And now by violence they lock

us in--you and me, old man: subdue our vile

unkingly voilence. Come into the shade.

I would have a word with you and your wart-hog son.


SCENE: Hrothulf in the Woods.

The nut tree, wide above my head,

stretching its cool black limbs to take

the sun, sends darkness down my chest.

Its dappled, highcrowned roadways make

safe homes for birds; quick squirrels run

the veins of its treasure--giving hand;

but the ground below is dead.


Strange providence! Shall I call the tree

tyrannical, since where it stands

nothing survives but itself and its high-

borne guests? Condemn it because it sends

down stifling darkness, sucks the life

from grass, and whitens the sapling leaf

for trifling, fluttering friends ?

The law of the world is a winter law,

and casual. I too can be grim:

snatch my daylight by violent will

and be glorified for the deed, like him;

drain my soil of Considerations,

grip my desires like underground stones,

let old things sicken and fail.


She touches my hair and smiles, kind,

trusting the rhetoric of love: Give

and get. But the thought Hits through my mind,

There have got to be stabler things than love.

The blurred tree towering overhead

consumes the sun; the ground is dead;

I gasp for rain and wind.

SCENE: The Queen Beside Hrothulf's Bed.

Wealtheow speaks:


So sad so young? And even in sleep?

Worse times are yet to come, my love.

The babes you comfort when they weep

Will soon by birthright have


All these gold rings! Ah, then, then

Your almost-brother love will cool;

The cousin smile must grind out lean

Where younger cousins rule.


When I was a child I truly loved:

Unthinking love as calm and deep

As the North Sea. But I have lived,

And now I do not sleep.




In short, I watched the idea of violence growing in him, and
apprehension in all of them, and I enjoyed myself (old
hellroads--runner, earth-rim-roamer), sucking glee from spite,--O
sucking to the pits! He hardly spoke when he first came, skinny,
pimply, beardless except for the babyhair on his upper lip and chin.
At the end of a year he never spoke at all, unless he was forced to it
or found himself alone with the foul old old peasant he met in the
woods sometimes, his counselor. Hrothulf had hair as black as coal and
hazel eyes that never blinked. He stood, always, with his head slung
forward and his lips in a pout, like a man straining to remember
something. The old man--he was nicknamed Red Horse--had a perpetually
startled look, round, red eyes and mouth, white hair that flared
around his high, empty dome like the beams of the sun: the look of a
man who has suddenly remembered something.  I followed the two down
shaded paths, skull-lined, since I had used them often (but our
travelers did not see the skulls)--Hrothulf stumbling over roots and
stones, the old man swinging along on one stiff leg. He spit when he
talked, his eyes bugged. He stunk.

"To step out of the region of legality requires an extraordinary push
of circumstance," the old man yelled. He was deaf and shouted as if
everyone else were too. "The incitement to violence depends upon total
transvaluation of the ordinary values. By a single stroke, the most
criminal acts must be converted to heroic and meritorious deeds.  If
the Revolution comes to grief, it will be because you and those you
lead have become alarmed at your own brutality."

Hrothulf fell down. The old man went on swinging along the path,
oblivious, waving his fists. Hrothluf looked around him in slight
surprise, understood that he had fallen, and got up. He almost fell
again as he ran to catch his adviser. "Make no mistake, my beloved
prince," the old man was yelling. "The total ruin of institutions and
morals is an act of creation. A religious act. Murder and mayhem are
the life and soul of revolution. I imagine you won't laugh when I tell
you that. There are plenty of fools who would."

"Oh no, sir," said Hrothulf.

"The very soul! What does a kingdom pretend to do?  Save the values of
the community--regulate compromise--improve the quality of the
commonwealth! In other words, protect the power of the people in power
and keep the others down. By common agreement of course, so the
fiction goes. And they do pretty well. We'll give them that."

Hrothulf nodded. "We have to give them that."

"Rewards to people who fit the System best, you know.  King's
immediate thanes, the thanes' top servants, and so on till you come to
the people who don't fit at all. No problem. Drive them to the darkest
corners of the kingdom, starve them, throw them in jail or put them
out to war."

"That's how it works."

"But satisfy the greed of the majority, and the rest will do you no
harm. That's it. You've still got your fiction of consent. If the
lowest of the workers start grumbling, claim that the power of the
state stands above society, regulating it, moderating it, keeping it
within the bounds of order--an impersonal and higher authority of
justice. And what if the workers are beyond your reconciliation? Cry
'Law!' Cry 'Common good' and put on the pressure--arrest and execute a
few."

"A stinking fraud," Hrothulf said, and bit his lip.  There were tears
in his eyes. The old serf laughed.

"Exactly, my boy! What is the state in a time of domestic or foreign
crisis? What is the state when the chips are down? The answer is
obvious and clear! Oh yes! If a few men quit work, the police move in.
If the borders are threatened, the army rolls out. Public force is the
life and soul of every state: not merely army and police but prisons,
judges, tax collectors, every conceivable trick of coercive
repression. The state is an organization of violence, a monopoly in
what it is pleased to call legitimate violence.  Revolution, my dear
prince, is not the substitution of immoral for moral, or of
illegitimate for legitimate violence; it is simply the pitting of
power against power, where the issue is freedom for the winners and
enslavement of the rest."

Hrothulf stopped. "That's not at all what I intend," he said. "There
can be more freedom or less freedom in different states."

The old man stopped too, several steps ahead of him on the forest
path, and looked back, polite by an effort. "Well, that may be," he
said. He shrugged.

Hrothulf, though clumsy, was no fool. He said angrily (unaware of the
irony that he, a prince, had a right to anger, and the old man, a
peasant, did not), "Nobody in his right mind would praise violence for
its own sake, regardless of its ends!"

The old man shrugged and put on a childish smile.  "But I'm a simple
man, you see," he said, "and that's exactly what I do. All systems are
evil. All governments are evil. Not just a trifle evil.  Monstrously
evil." Though he still smiled, he was shaking, only half controlling
it. "If you want me to help you destroy a government, I'm here to
serve. But as for Universal Justice--" He laughed.

Hrothulf puckered his lips, stared thoughtfully past him.




Hrothgar's nephew was kind, for all that, to the cousins he half
intended to displace. He was a moody, lonely young man, after all,
afraid of strangers, awkward even with the adults he knew well, and
the cousins were plump blond children of three and four. There was one
other cousin, Freawaru, Hrothgar's daughter by a woman who'd died.
Whenever Freawaru spoke to him, Hrothulf blushed.

He sat between the two boys at the table and helped them with their
food, smiling when they talked but rarely answering. The queen would
glance at the three now and then. So would others, sometimes. They all
knew what was coming, though nobody believed it. Who can look into the
wet-mouthed smiles of children and see a meadhall burning, or listen
past their musical prattle to the midnight roar of fire?

--Except, of course, old Hrothgar. Violence and shame have lined the
old man's face with mysterious calm. I can hardly look at him without
a welling of confused, unpleasant emotion. He sits tall and still in
his carved chair, stiff arms resting on the chair-sides, his clear
eyes trained on the meadhall door where I'll arrive, if I come. When
someone speaks to him, he answers politely and gently, his mind far
away--on murdered thanes, abandoned hopes.  He's a giant. He had in
his youth the strength of seven men. Not now. He has nothing left but
the power of his mind--and no pleasure there: a case of knives. The
civilization he meant to build has transmogrified to a forest thick
with traps. Hrothulf, he knows, is a danger to his sons; but he cannot
abandon the child of his dead younger brother. Hygmod, his
brother-in-law, is biding his time while Hrothgar lives, because of
Wealtheow; but Hygmod, he knows, is no friend. And then there is a man
named Ingeld, ruler of the Heathobards, as famous for slaughter as was
Hrothgar in his day. The old man intends to deal out Freawaru to him;
he has no assurance it will work.  And then too there's his
treasure-hoard. Another trap. A man plunders to build up wealth to pay
his men and bring peace to the kingdom, but the hoard he builds for
his safety becomes the lure of every marauder that happens to hear of
it. Hrothgar, keen of mind, is out of schemes. No fault of his. There
are no schemes left. And so he waits like a man chained in a cave,
staring at the entrance or, sometimes, gazing with sad, absent-minded
eyes at Wealtheow, chained beside him. Who is one more trap, the
worst. She's young, could have served a more vigorous man. And
beautiful: need not have withered her nights and wasted her body on a
bony, shivering wretch. She knows all this, which increases his pain
and guilt. She understands the fear for his people that makes a coward
of him, so that, that night when I attacked her, he would not lift a
finger to preserve her. And his fear is one he cannot even be sure is
generous; perhaps mere desire that his name and fame live on. She
understands too his bitterness at growing old.  She even
understands--more terrible, no doubt, than all the rest--old
Hrothgar's knowledge that peace must be searched through ordeal upon
ordeal, with no final prospect but failure. Lesson on lesson they've
suffered through, recognizing, more profoundly each time, their
indignity, shame, triviality. It will continue.

How, if I know all this, you may ask, could I hound him--shatter him
again and again, drive him deeper and deeper into woe? I have no
answer, except perhaps this: why should I not? Has he made any move to
deserve my kindness? If I give him a truce, will the king invite me in
for a kiss on the forehead, a cup of mead? Ha! This nobility of his,
this dignity: are they not my work? What was he before? Nothing! A
swollen-headed raider, full of boasts and stupid jokes and mead. No
more noble than Red Horse, Hrothulf's friend. No one would have balked
at my persecuting him then! I made him what he is. Have I not a right
to test my own creation? Enough! Who says I have to defend myself? I'm
a machine, like you. Like all of you.  Blood-lust and rage are my
character. Why does the lion not wisely settle down and be a horse? In
any case, I too am learning, ordeal by ordeal, my indignity. It's all
I have, my only weapon for smashing through these stiff coffin-walls
of the world. So I dance in the moonlight, make foul jokes, or labor
to shake the foundations of night with my heaped-up howls of rage.
Something is bound to come of all this. I cannot believe such
monstrous energy of grief can lead to nothing!



I have thought up a horrible dream to impute to Hrothgar.


Hrothgar speaks:


I have dreamt it again: standing suddenly still

In a thicket, among wet trees, stunned, minutely

Shuddering, hearing a wooden echo escape.

A mossy floor, almost colorless, disappears

In depths of rain among the tree shapes.

I am straining, tasting that echo a second longer.


If I can hold it... familiar if I can hold it...

A black tree with a double trunk--two trees

Grown into one--throws up its blurred branches.


The two trunks in their infinitesimal dance of growth

Have turned completely about one another, their join

A slowly twisted scar... that I recognize....


A quick arc Hashes sidewise in the air,

A heavy blade in Hight. A wooden stroke:

Iron sinks in the gasping core.

I will dream it again.


9

December, approaching the year's darkest night, and the

only way out of the dream is down and through it.

The trees are dead.

The days are an arrow in a dead man's chest.

Snowlight blinds me, heatless fire; pale, apocalyptic.

The creeks are frozen; the deer show their ribs.

I find dead wolves--a paw, a scraggly tail sticking up

through snow.

The trees are dead, and only the deepest religion can break

through time and believe they'll revive. Against the

snow, black cuts on a white, white hand.

In the town, children go down on their backs in the

drifted snow and move their arms and, when they rise,

leave behind them impressions, mysterious and ominous,

of winged creatures. I come upon them as I move

through sleeping streets to the meadhall, and though I

know what they are, I pause and study them, picking at

my lip.

I do not pretend to understand these feelings. I record

them, check them off one by one for the dead ears of

night.

Something is coming, strange as spring.

I am afraid.

Standing on an open hill, I imagine muffled footsteps

overhead.




I watch one of Hrothgar's bowmen pursue a hart. The man, furred from
his toes to his ears, walks through the moon-and-snowlit woods, silent
as an owl, huge bow on his shoulder, his eyes on the dark tracks. He
moves up a thickly wooded hill, and at the crest of it, standing as if
waiting for him, he finds the hart. The antlers reach out, motionless,
as still as the treelimbs overhead or the stars above the trees.
They're like wings, filled with otherworldly light. Neither the hart
nor the hunter moves. Time is inside them, transferred from chamber to
chamber like sand in an hourglass; it can no more get outside than
sand in the lower chamber can rise to the upper without a hand to turn
stiff nature on its head. They face each other, unmoving as numbers on
a stick. And then, incredibly, through the pale, strange light the
man's hand moves--click click click click--toward the bow, and grasps
it, and draws it down, away from the shoulder and around in front
(click click) and transfers the bow to the slowly moving second hand,
and the first hand goes back up and (click) over the shoulder and
returns with an arrow, threads the bow. Suddenly time is a rush for
the hart: his head flicks, he jerks, his front legs buckling, and he's
dead. He lies as still as the snow hurtling outward around him to the
hushed world's rim.

The image clings to my mind like a growth. I sense some riddle in it.




Near Hrothgar's hall stand the images of the Scyldings' gods,
grotesque faces carved out of wood or hacked from stone and set up in
a circle, eyes staring inward, gazing thoughtfully at nothing. The
priests approach them, carrying torches, their shaggy white heads
bent, obsequious.  "Great spirit," the chief of the priests wails,
"ghostly Destroyer, defend the people of Scyld and kill their enemy,
the terrible world-rim-walker!" I smile, arms folded on my chest, and
wait, but nobody comes to kill me. They sing, an antique language as
ragged and strange as their beards, a language closer to mine than to
their own. They march in a circle, from god to god--maybe uncertain
which one is the Great Destroyer. "Is it you?" their meek old faces
ask, lifting the torch to each monster-shape in turn. "Not I,"
whispers the head with four eyes. "Not I," whispers sly old
dagger-tooth. "Not I," says the wolf-god, the bull-god, the horse-god,
the happily smiling god with the nose like a pig's. They stab a calf
and burn it, the corpse still jerking. The old peasant, friend of
Prince Hrothulf, whispers crossly: "In the old days they used to kill
virgins. Religion is sick."

Which is true. There is no conviction in the old priests' songs; there
is only showmanship. No one in the kingdom is convinced that the gods
have life in them. The weak observe the rituals--take their hats off,
put them on again, raise their arms, lower their arms, moan, intone,
press their palms together--but no one harbors unreasonable
expectations. The strong--old Hrothgar, Unferth--ignore the images.
The will to power resides among the stalactites of the heart.
(Her-kapf.)

Once, years ago, for no particular reason, I wrecked the place; broke
up the wooden gods like kindling and toppled the gods of stone. When
they came out in the morning and saw what I'd done, no one was
especially bothered except the priests. They lamented and tore their
hair, the priests, as fraught and rhetorical as they were when they
prayed, and after a few days their outcries made people uneasy. On the
chance that there might be something to it all, whatever a reasonable
man might think, the people tipped the stone gods up again, with
levers and ropes, and began to carve new gods of wood to replace those
I'd ruined. It was dull work, you could see by their faces, but it
was, for some reason, necessary.  When the ring was complete, I
considered wrecking it again, but the gods were inoffensive, dull. I
decided the hell with it.

I have eaten several priests. They sit on the stomach like duck eggs.




Midnight. I sit in the center of the ring of gods, musing on them,
pursuing some thought that I cannot make come clear. They wait, as
quiet as upright bones in the softly falling snow. So Hrothgar waits,
lying on his back with his eyes open. Wealtheow lies on her back
beside him, her eyes open, her hand resting lightly in his. Hrothulf's
breathing changes. He is having bad dreams. Unferth sleeps fitfully,
guarding the meadhall; and the Shaper, in his big house, tosses and
turns. He has a fever. He mumbles a few inchoate phrases to someone
who is not there. All the gods have hats of snow and snow-crested
noses. In the town below me there are no lights left. Overhead, the
stars are blanked out by clouds.

But someone is awake. I hear him coming toward me in the snow, vaguely
alarming, approaching like an arrow in a slowed-down universe, and a
shudder runs through me. Then I see him, and I laugh at my fear. An
old priest, palsied, walking with a cane of ash. He thinks it has
magic in it. "Who's there?" he pipes, coming to the edge of the ring.
He has a black robe, and his beard, as white as the snow all around
us, hangs almost to his knees. "Who's there?" he says again, and pokes
himself through between two gods, feeling ahead of himself with the
cane. "Is there somebody here?" he whimpers.

"It is I," I say. "The Destroyer."

A violent shock goes through him. He shakes all over, practically
falls down. "My lord!" he whimpers. He goes down on his knees. "O
blessed, blessed lord!" A look of doubt crosses his face, but he
resists it. "I heard someone down here," he says. "I thought it was--"
The doubt comes again, mixed with fear this time. He squints, cocks
his head, struggling to penetrate his blindness by force of will. "I
am Ork," he says uncertainly, "eldest and wisest of the priests." I
smile, say nothing. I intend to paint the images with the old man's
steaming blood. "I know all mysteries," the priest says. "I am the
only man still living who has thought them all out."

"We are pleased with you, Ork," I say, voice very solemn.

Then, suddenly impish--at times I cannot resist these things: "Tell us
what you know of the King of the Gods."

"The King?" he says.

"The King." I do not giggle.

He rolls his blind eyes, figuring the odds, snatching through his mind
for doctrines.

"Speak to us concerning His unspeakable beauty and danger," I say, and
wait.

The snow falls softly on the images. The old priest, kneeling, has one
knee on his beard and is unable to lift his head. He shakes all over,
as if the palsy is something outside him, an element like wind.

"The King of Gods," he whispers, and searches his wits.

At last he folds his arthritic white hands, raises them before him
like a nightmare flower, and speaks. "The King of the Gods is the
ultimate limitation," he keens, "and His existence is the ultimate
irrationality." A tic goes down one cheek; jerks the corner of his
mouth. "For no reason can be given for just that limitation which it
stands in His nature to impose. The King of the Gods is not concrete,
but He is the ground for concrete actuality.  No reason can be given
for the nature of God, because that nature is the ground of
rationality."

He tips his head, waiting for some response from me that will tell him
how he's doing. I say nothing. The old man clears his throat, and his
face takes on an expression still more holy. The tic comes again.

"The King of the Gods is the actual entity in virtue of which the
entire multiplicity of eternal objects obtains its graded relevance to
each stage of concrescence. Apart from Him, there can be no relevant
novelty."

I notice, with surprise, that the priest's blind eyes are brimming
with tears. They seep down his cheeks into his beard. I raise my
fingers to my mouth, baffled.

"The Chief God's purpose in the creative advance is the evocation of
novel intensities. He is the lure for our feeling." Ork is now weeping
profusely, so moved that his throat constricts. I observe in wonder.
His knotted hands shake and sway.

"He is the eternal urge of desire establishing the purposes of all
creatures. He is an infinite patience, a tender care that nothing in
the universe be vain."

He begins to moan, shaking violently, and it occurs to me that perhaps
he is merely cold. But instead of hugging himself, as I expect him to,
he stretches out his arms toward the sky, huge-knuckled fingers
gnarled and twisted as if to frighten me. "O the ultimate evil in the
temporal world is deeper than any specific evil, such as hatred, or
suffering, or death! The ultimate evil is that Time is perpetual
perishing, and being actual involves elimination.  The nature of evil
may be epitomized, therefore, in two simple but horrible and holy
propositions: 'Things fade' and 'Alternatives exclude.' Such is His
mystery: that beauty requires contrast, and that discord is
fundamental to the creation of new intensities of feeling. Ultimate
wisdom, I have come to perceive, lies in the perception that the
solemnity and grandeur of the universe rise through the slow process
of unification in which the diversities of existence are utilized, and
nothing, nothing is lost." The old man falls forward, arms thrown out
in front of him, and weeps with gratitude. I have trouble deciding
what to do.

Before I can make up my mind about him, I become aware that there are
others moving toward the place, drawn by the old man's keening. So
quietly that even old Ork cannot hear me, I tiptoe out of the ring and
hide behind a fat stone image of a god with a skull in his lap and a
blacksmith's apron. Three of his fellow priests arrive. They gather
around him, bend over to look at him.  The snow falls on them softly.


FIRST PRIEST: Ork, what are you doing here? It is written that the old
shall keep to the comfort of their beds!

SECOND PRIEST: It's a bad habit, beloved friend, this wandering about
at night when monsters prowl.

THIRD PRIEST: Senility. I've been telling you the old fool's gone
senile.

ORK: Brothers, I've talked with the Great Destroyer!

THIRD PRIEST: Bosh.

FIRST PRIEST: Blasphemy! It is written: "Ye shall not see my face."

SECOND PRIEST: Think what shape you'll be in for your morning
devotions!

ORK: He stood as near to me as you are.

FIRST PRIEST: "Worship is the work of priests. What the gods do is the
business of the gods." You know the text.

THIRD PRIEST: He's a blamed fool. If a man hankers for visions, he
should do it in public, where it does us some good.

SECOND PRIEST: It doesn't look right, beloved friend, wandering around
in the middle of the night. A man should try to be more regular.

ORK: Nevertheless, I saw him. My life of study and devotion has been
rewarded! I told him my opinion of the King of the Gods, and he didn't
deny it. I believe I'm approximately right.

FIRST PRIEST: The theory's ridiculous. Idle speculation.  For it is
written--

SECOND PRIEST: Please do come in with us, beloved friend.  I hate
being up after midnight. It ruins me the whole next day. It makes me
put my clothes on wrong, and scramble the service, and eat
incorrectly--

THIRD PRIEST: Lunatic priests are bad business. They give people the
willies. One man like him can turn us all to paupers.


As I listen, shaking my head at the strangeness of the priestly
conversation, another priest comes running up, younger than the
others, pulling his outer robe on as he comes. They turn their heads,
looking at the younger priest in annoyance. It occurs to me that
perhaps he has been drinking. "What's this?" he cries. "Precious gods,
what's this?" He throws his hands out, delighted by all he sees. Ork
tells him what he has seen, and he listens in rapture. Before Ork has
finished, the younger priest drops to his knees and throws his hands
up, shaggy lips smiling, wild.


FOURTH PRIEST: Blessed! O blessed! (On his knees he goes over to Ork,
seizes the old man's head between his hands, and kisses him.) I feared
for you, dear blessed Ork--I feared your bloodless rationalism. But
now I see, I see!  The will of the gods! The rhythm is re-established!
Merely rational thought--forgive me for preaching, but I must, I
must!--merely rational thought leaves the mind incurably crippled in a
closed and ossified system, it can only extrapolate from the past. But
now at last, sweet fantasy has found root in your blessed soul! The
absurd, the inspiring, the uncanny, the awesome, the terrifying, the
ecstatic--none of these had a place, for you, before. But I should
have seen it coming. O I kick myself for not seeing it coming!  A
vision of the Destroyer! Of course, of course!  Before we know it,
you'll be kissing girls! Can't you grasp it, brothers? Both blood and
sperm are explosive, irregular, feeling-pitched, messy--and
inexplicably fascinating!  They transcend! They leap the gap! O
blessed Ork!  I believe your vision proves there is hope for us all!



So he raves, overflowing with meadbowl joy, and the older three
priests look down at him as they would at a wounded snake. Ork ignores
him, sniffling privately. I back away. Even a monster's blood-lust can
be stifled by such talk. They remain inside the image ring, snow
falling softly on their hair and beards, and except for their forms,
their prattle, the town is dead.



Hrothgar is asleep now, resting up for tomorrow's ordeal of waiting.
Wealtheow breathes evenly, beside him.  Hrothulf and the king's two
children are asleep. In the main hall, row on row in their wall-hung
beds, the guardians snore, except Unferth. Puffy-eyed, he gets up, and
in a kind of stupor goes to the meadhall door to piss.  A dog
barks--not at me: I have put my spell on them.  Unferth hardly hears.
He looks out over the snowy rooftops of the town to the snowy moor,
the snowy woods, unaware of my presence behind the wall. The snow
falls softly through the trees, closing up the foxes' dens, burying
the tracks of sleeping deer. A wolf, asleep with his head on his paws,
awakens at the sound of my footsteps and opens his eyes but does not
lift his head. He watches me pass, his gray eyes hostile, then sleeps
again, his cave half hidden by snow.

I do not usually raid in the winter, when the world is a corpse. I
would be wiser to be curled up, asleep like a bear, in my cave. My
heart moves slowly, like freezing water, and I cannot clearly recall
the smell of blood. And yet I am restless. I would fall, if I could,
through time and space to the dragon. I cannot. I walk slowly, wiping
the snow from my face with the back of my arm. There is no sound on
earth but the whispering snowfall. I recall something.  A void
boundless as a nether sky. I hang by the twisted roots of an oak,
looking down into immensity.  Vastly far away I see the sun, black but
shining, and slowly revolving around it there are spiders. I pause in
my tracks, puzzled--though not stirred--by what I see.  But then I am
in the woods again, and the snow is falling, and everything alive is
fast asleep. It is just some dream.  I move on, uneasy; waiting.


10

Tedium is the worst pain.

The dull victim, staring, vague-eyed, at seasons that never were meant
to be observed.

The sun walks mindlessly overhead, the shadows lengthen and shorten as
if by plan.

"The gods made this world for our joy!" the young priest squeals. The
people listen to him dutifully, heads bowed.  It does not impress
them, one way or the other, that he's crazy.

The scent of the dragon is a staleness on the earth.

The Shaper is sick.

I watch a great horned goat ascend the rocks toward my mere. I have
half a mind to admire his bottomless stupidity.  "Hey, goat!" I yell
down. "There's nothing here. Go back." He lifts his head, considers
me, then lowers it again to keep an eye on crevasses and seams, icy
scree, slick rocky ledges--doggedly continuing. I tip up a boulder and
let V it fall thundering toward him. His ears flap up in alarm, he
stiffens, looks around him in haste, and jumps. The boulder bounds
past him. He watches it fall, then turns his head, looks up at me
disapprovingly. Then, lowering his head again, he continues. It is the
business of goats to climb. He means to climb. "Ah, goat, goat!" I say
as if deeply disappointed in him. "Use your reason! There's nothing
here!" He keeps on coming. I am suddenly annoyed, no longer amused by
his stupidity. The mere belongs to me and the firesnakes. What if
everybody should decide the place is public? "Go back down, goat!" I
yell at him. He keeps on climbing, mindless, mechanical, because it is
the business of goats to climb. "Not here," I yell. "If climbing's
your duty to the gods, go climb the meadhall." He keeps on climbing. I
run back from the edge to a dead tree, throw myself against it and
break it off and drag it back to the cliffwall. "You've had fair
warning," I yell at him. I'm enraged now. The words come echoing back
to me. I lay the tree sideways, wait for the goat to be in better
range, then shove. It drops with a crash and rolls crookedly toward
him. He darts left, reverses himself and bounds to the right, and a
limb catches him. He bleats, falling, Hopping over with a jerk too
quick for the eye, and bleats again, scrambling, sliding toward the
ledge-side. The tree, slowly rolling, drops out of sight.  His sharp
front hooves dig in and he jerks onto his feet, but before his balance
is sure my stone hits him and falls again. I leap down to make certain
he goes over this time.  He finds his feet the same instant that my
second stone hits. It splits his skull, and blood sprays out past his
dangling brains, yet he doesn't fall. He threatens me, blind. It's not
easy to kill a mountain goat. He thinks with his spine. A death tremor
shakes his Hanks, but he picks toward me, jerking his great twisted
horns at air. I back off, upward toward the mere the goat will never
reach.  I smile, threatened by an animal already dead, still climbing.
I snatch up a stone and hurl it. It smashes his mouth, spraying out
teeth, and penetrates to the jugular. He drops to his knees, gets up
again. The air is sweet with the scent of his blood. Death shakes his
body the way high wind shakes trees. He climbs toward me. I snatch up
a stone.




At dusk I watch men go about their business in the towns of the
Scyldings. Boys and dogs drive the horses and oxen to the river and
break through the ice to let them drink.  Back at the barns, men carry
in hay on wooden forks, dump grain in the mangers, and carry out
manure. A wheelwright and his helper squat in their dark room
hammering spokes into a hub. I listen to the grunt, the blow of the
hammer, the grunt, the blow, like the sound of a leaky heart. Smells
of cooking. Gray wood-smoke rises slowly toward a lead-gray sky. On
the rocky cliffs I looking out to sea, Hrothgar's watchmen, each man
posted several stone's-throws away from the next, sit huddled in furs,
on their horses' backs, or stand in the shelter of an outcropping
ledge, rubbing their hands together, stamping their feet. No one will
strike at the kingdom from the sea: icebergs drift a mile out,
grinding against one another from time to time, letting out a low moan
like the sigh of some huge sea-beast. The guards watch anyway,
obedient to orders the king has forgotten to cancel.

People eat, leaning over their food together, seldom talking. The lamp
at the center of the table lights their eyes. Dogs beside the men's
legs wait, looking up from time to time, and the girl who brings the
food from the stove stands looking at the wall as she waits for the
plates to empty. An old man, finished before the rest, goes out to
bring in wood. I spy on an old woman telling lies to children. (Her
face is dark with some disease, and the veins on the backs of her
hands are ropes. She is too old to sweep or cook.) She tells of a
giant across the sea who has the strength of thirty thanes. "Someday
he will come here," she tells the children. Their eyes widen. A bald
old man looks up from his earthenware plate and laughs.  A gray dog
pushes against his leg. He kicks it.

The sun stays longer each day now, climbing mechanical as a goat off
the leaden horizon. Children slide down the hills on shaped boards,
sending their happy cries through drifted stillness. As twilight
deepens, their mothers call them in. A few feign deafness. A shadow
looms over them (mine) and they're gone forever.  So it goes.




Darkness. At the house of the Shaper, people come and go, solemn
faced, treading softly, their heads bowed and their hands folded for
fear of sending dreadful apparitions through his dreams. His
attendant, the boy who came here with him--a grown man now--sits by
the old man's bed and plays pale runs on the old man's harp. The old
man turns his blind head, rising from confusion to listen.  He asks
about a certain woman who does not come. No answer.

But the king comes, with the queen on his arm, young Hrothulf walking
four steps behind them, holding the hands of their children. The king
sits beside the Shaper's bed as he sits in the hall, motionless, his
patient eyes staring. Hrothulf and the children wait out in the entry
room. The queen puts her fingertips gently on the old man's forehead.

The Shaper whispers for the lamp. The attendant pretends to bring it,
though it stands already on the table beside his bed. "That's better,"
the queen says dutifully, and the king says, as if he couldn't see
well before, "You look healthier today." The Shaper says nothing.
Crouched in the bushes beside the path, peeking in like a whiskered
old voyeur, wet-lipped, red-eyed, my chest filled with some
meaningless anguish, I watch the old man working up the nerve to let
his heart stop. "Where are all his fine phrases now ?" I whisper to
the night. I chuckle. The night, as usual, doesn't comment.

He sits motionless, propped up in bed, deathwhite hands folded on top
of the covers: his eyes, once webbed with visions, are shut. The young
man, the attendant sitting with the harp, does not play. The king and
queen wait, dutiful, probably counting the time off in their heads,
and the herbalist--humpbacked, robed in black (a tic screws taut one
whole side of his face)--the herbalist, no longer useful to the
onetime king of poets, paces back and forth slowly, rubbing his hands.
He waits for the soft, dry throat-rattle that will free him to go pace
elsewhere.

The Shaper speaks. They bend closer. "I see a time," he says, "when
the Danes once again--" His voice trails off; puzzlement crosses his
forehead, and one hand reaches up feebly as if to smooth it away but
forgets before it can find the forehead, and falls back to the covers.
He lifts his head a little, listening for footsteps. There are none.
The head drops back weakly. His visitors wait on. They do not seem to
realize that he is dead.

In another house, at a large, carved table, a middle-aged woman with
hair just slightly less red than the queen's (she has close-together
eyes and eyebrows plucked neat as the lines of a knife wound) sits by
lamplight listening, as he did, for footsteps. Her nobleman husband
lies sleeping in a nearby room, his head on his arm, as if listening
to his heartbeat. She is a lady I have watched with the greatest
admiration. Soul of fidelity, decorum. The Shaper would tip his
whitened head, blind eyes staring at the floor whenever the lady
spoke, and from time to time, when he sang of heroes, of ship-backs
broken, there was no mistaking that he sang the song for her. Nothing
came of it.  She would leave the hall on her husband's arm: the Shaper
would bow politely as she passed.

She hears them coming. I duck back into the gloom to watch and wait.
The messenger the Shaper's attendant has sent goes up to the door and
has hardly knocked once when the door opens inward and the lady
appears, staring through him. "He's dead," says the messenger.  The
lady nods. When the messenger is gone, the lady comes out onto the
steps and stands with her arms locked, expressionless.  She looks up
the hill toward the meadhall.

"So all of us must sooner or later pass," I am tempted to whisper.
"Alas! Woe!" I resist.

Only the wind is alive, pressing her robe to her fat, loose hips and
bosom. The woman is as still as the dead man in his bed. I am tempted
to snatch her. How her squeals would dance on the icicle-walls of the
night! But I back away. I look in on the Shaper one more time. The old
women are arranging him, putting gold coins on his eyelids to preserve
him from seeing where he goes. At last, unsatisfied as ever, I slink
back home.




In my cave the tedium is worse, of course. My mother no longer shows
any sign of sanity, hurrying back and forth, wall to wall, sometimes
on two legs, sometimes on four, dark forehead furrowed like a
new-plowed Field, her eyes glittering and crazy as a captured eagle's.
Each time I come in she gets between me and the door, as if to lock me
up with her forever. I endure it, for the time. When I sleep, she
presses close to me, half buries me under her thistly fur and fat.
"Dool-dool," she moans.  She drools and weeps. "Warovvish," she
whimpers, and tears at herself. Hanks of fur come away in her claws.
I see gray hide. I study her, cool and objective in my corner, and
because now the Shaper is dead, strange thoughts come over me. I think
of the pastness of the Past: how the moment I am alive in, prisoned
in, moves like a slowly tumbling form through darkness, the
underground river. Not only ancient history--the mythical age of the
brothers' feud--but my own history one second ago, has vanished
utterly, dropped out of existence. King Scyld's great deeds do not
exist "back there" in Time.  "Back there in Time" is an allusion of
language. They do not exist at all. My wickedness five years ago, or
six, or twelve, has no existence except as now, mumbling, mumbling,
sacrificing the slain world to the omnipotence of words, I strain my
memory to regain it. I snatch by my wits a time when I was very small
and my mama held me softly in her arms. Ah, ah, how I loved you,
Mama--dead these many years! I snatch a time when I crouched outside
the meadhall hearing the first strange hymns of the Shaper. Beauty!
Holiness! How my heart rocked! He is dead. I should have captured him,
teased him, tormented him, made a fool of him. I should have cracked
his skull midsong and sent his blood spraying out wet through the
meadhall like a shocking change of key. One evil deed missed is a loss
for all eternity.

I decide, naturally, to attend his funeral. She tries to prevent me. I
lift her by the armpits as though she were a child and, gently, I set
her aside. Her face trembles, torn, I think, between terror and
self-pity. It crosses my mind that she knows something, but she
doesn't, I know.  The future is as dark, as unreal, as the past.
Coolly, objectively, I watch the trembling; it's as if all the muscles
are locked to the charge of an eel. Then I push her away.  The face
shatters, she whoops. I run to the pool and dive, and even now I can
hear her. I will forget, tomorrow, so her pain is a matter of
indifference.

And so to the funeral.

The Shaper's assistant, cradling the old man's polished harp, sings of
Hoc and Hildeburh and Hnaef and Hengest, how Finn's thanes fought with
his wife's dear kinsmen and killed King Hnaef, and a terrible thing
ensued.  When Finn had few men and his enemies had no king, they made
a truce, and the terms were these: that Finn would be lord of the
lordless Danes, because a king without men is a worthless thing, and
thanes without a lord are exiles. Both sides made vows, swore the duty
of peace, and so winter came, in its time, to the country of the
Jutes.

The people listen silent and solemn to the old Shaper's song on the
young man's lips, and the pyre where the old man lies stands waiting
for fire. The dead arms are crossed, the features are stiff and blue,
as if frozen. Ice glints on the sides of the pyre. The world is white.


Young Hengest still

through slaughter-dark winter stayed with Finn,

heart sorrowing. He thought of home,

though he could not drive on the dark sea

his ring-prowed ship; for the sea-air rolled,

dusky with wind, and the waves were locked

in ice. Then another season came,

another year, as the years do yet,

bright shining weather awaiting its time.

The winter was gone, earth's breast was fair,

and the exiled Hengest was eager to go,

unwilling guest from the dwelling.--Yet as

ice-chains locked the land, so Hengest's heart

was locked: revenge called harder to him than home.

He cried in his mind for quarrel, and quarrel came.

Then Finn lay down in blood, bold king

with all his company, and the queen was taken;

and, loaded with rings King Finn could not refuse,

the Danes sailed home. Men's double vows

soon wash away. Spring rain drips down through rafters.


So he sings, looking down, recalling and repeating the words, hands
light on the harp. The king listens, dry-eyed, his mind far, far away.
Prince Hrothulf stands with the children of Hrothgar and Wealtheow,
his features revealing no more secrets than does snow. Men light the
pyre.  Unferth stares at the flames with eyes like stones. I too watch
the fire, as well as I can. Colorless it seems. A more intense place
in the brightness of snow and ice. It flames high at once, as if
hungry for the coarse, lean meat. The priests walk slowly around the
pyre, saying antique prayers, and the crowd, all in black, ignoring
the black priests, keens. I watch the burning head burst, bare of
visions, dark blood dripping from the corner of the mouth and ear.

End of an epoch, I could tell the king.

We're on our own again. Abandoned.


I awaken with a start and imagine I hear the goat still picking at the
cliffwall, climbing to the mere. Something groans, far out at sea.


My mother makes sounds. I strain my wits toward them, clench my mind.
Beware the fish.


I get up and walk, filled with restless expectation, though I know
there is nothing to expect.


I am not the only monster on these moors.

I met an old woman as wild as the wind

Striding in white out of midnight's den.

Her cloak was in rags, and her flesh it was lean,

And her eyes, her murdered eyes...

Scent of the dragon.

I should sleep, drop war till spring as I normally do.

When I sleep I wake up in terror, with hands on my throat.

A stupid business.

Nihil ex nihilo, I always say.


11

I am mad with joy.--At least I think it's joy. Strangers have come,
and it's a whole new game. I kiss the ice on the frozen creeks, I
press my ear to it, honoring the water that rattles below, for by
water they came: the icebergs parted as if gently pushed back by
enormous hands, and the ship sailed through, sea-eager, foamy-necked,
white sails riding the swan-road, flying like a bird! O happy Grendel!
Fifteen glorious heroes, proud in their battle dress, fat as cows!

I could feel them coming as I lay in the dark of my cave. I stirred,
baffled by the strange sensation, squinting into dark corners to learn
the cause. It drew me as the mind of the dragon did once. It's coming!
I said. More clearly than ever I heard the muffled footsteps on the
dome of the world, and even when I realized that the footsteps were
nothing but the sound of my own heart, I knew more surely than before
that something was coming. I got up, moved past stone icicles to the
pool and the sunken door.  My mother made no move to prevent me. At
the pool, firesnakes shot away from me in all directions, bristling,
hissing, mysteriously wrought up. They had sensed it too.  That
beat--steady, inhumanly steady; inexorable. And so, an hour before
dawn, I crouched in shadows at the rocky sea-wall, foot of the giants'
work. Low tide. Lead-gray water sucked quietly, stubborn and
deliberate, at icy gray boulders. Gray wind teased leafless trees.
There was no sound but the ice-cold surge, the cry of a gannet,
invisible in grayness above me. A whale passed, long dark shadow two
miles out. The sky grew light at my back. Then I saw the sail.

I was not the only one who saw them coming. A lone Danish coastguard
stood bundled in furs, his horse beside him, and he shaded his eyes
against the glint of the icebergs beyond the sail and watched the
strangers come swiftly in toward land. The wooden keel struck sand and
cut a gouge toward the boulders on the shore--a forty-foot cut, half
the length of the ship--and then, quick as wolves--but mechanical,
terrible--the strangers leaped down, and with stiff, ice-crusted ropes
as gray as the sea, the sky, the stones, they moored their craft.
Their chain-mail rattled as they worked--never speaking, walking dead
men--lashing the helm-bar, lowering the sail, unloading ashspear
shafts and battle-axes. The coastguard mounted, snatched up his spear,
and rode loudly down to meet them.  His horse's hooves shot sparks. I
laughed. If they were here for war, the coastguard was a goner.

"What are ye, bearers of armor, dressed in mail-coats, that have thus
come riding your tall ship over the sea-road, winter-cold ocean, here
to Daneland?" Thus spake the coastguard. Wind took his words and sent
them tumbling.

I bent double, soundlessly laughing till I thought I'd split. They
were like trees, these strangers. Their leader was big as a mountain,
moving with his forest toward the guard. Nevertheless, the Dane shook
his spear the way attackers do when they're telling a man what they're
going to do with his testicles. "Attaboy!" I whisper. I shadow box.
"If they come at you, bite 'em in the leg!"

He scolded and fumed and demanded their lineage; they listened with
folded arms. The wind blew colder. At last the coastguard's voice gave
out--he bent over the pommel, coughing into his fist--and the leader
answered.  His voice, though powerful, was mild. Voice of a dead
thing, calm as dry sticks and ice when the wind blows over them. He
had a strange face that, little by little, grew unsettling to me: it
was a face, or so it seemed for an instant, from a dream I had almost
forgotten. The eyes slanted downward, never blinking, unfeeling as a
snake's.  He had no more beard than a fish. He smiled as he spoke, but
it was as if the gentle voice, the childlike yet faintly ironic smile
were holding something back, some magician-power that could blast
stone cliffs to ashes as lightning blasts trees.

"We're Geats," he said, "the hearth-companions of King Hygilac. You've
heard of my father. A famous old man named Ecgtheow." His mind, as he
spoke, seemed far away, as if, though polite, he were indifferent to
all this--an outsider not only among the Danes but everywhere.  He
said: "We've come as friends for a visit with your lord King Hrothgar,
protector of the people." He tipped his head, pausing. You'd have
thought he had centuries.  At last with a little shrug, he said, "Be
so kind as to give us some advice, old man. We've come on a fairly
important errand." The hint of irony in the smile grew darker, and he
looked now not at the coastguard but at the coastguard's horse. "A
certain thing can't very well be kept hidden, I think. You'll know if
it's true, as we heard back home, that I don't know what kind of enemy
stalks your hall at night--kills men, so they say, and for some reason
scorns your warriors. If it's so--" He paused, his eyebrows cocked,
and glanced at the coastguard and smiled. "I've come to give Hrothgar
advice."

You could see pretty well what advice he'd give. His chest was as wide
as an oven. His arms were like beams.  "Come ahead," I whispered.
"Make your play. Do your worst." But I was less sure of myself than I
pretended.  Staring at his grotesquely muscled shoulders--stooped,
naked despite the cold, sleek as the belly of a shark and as rippled
with power as the shoulders of a horse--I found my mind wandering. If
I let myself, I could drop into a trance just looking at those
shoulders. He was dangerous.  And yet I was excited, suddenly alive.
He talked on. I found myself not listening, merely looking at his
mouth, which moved--or so it seemed to me--independent of the words,
as if the body of the stranger were a ruse, a disguise for something
infinitely more terrible. Then the coastguard turned his horse and led
them up to where the stone-paved road began, gray as the sea, between
snowbanks.  "I'll have men guard your ship," he said. He pointed out
the meadhall, high on its hill above the town. Then he turned back.
The sea-pale eyes of the stranger were focused on nothing. He and his
company went on, their weapons clinking, chain-mail jangling, solemn
and ominous as drums. They moved like one creature, huge strange
machine. Sunlight gleamed on their helmets and cheekguards and {lashed
off their spearpoints, blinding.

I did not follow. I stayed in the ruin, prowling where long-dead
giants prowled, my heart aching to know what the strangers were doing
now, up at the meadhall. But it was daylight; I'd be a fool to go up
and see.

I couldn't tell, back in my cave, whether I was afraid of them or not.
My head ached from staying too long in the sunlight, and my hands had
no grip. It was as if they were asleep. I was unnaturally conscious,
for some reason, of the sounds in the cave: the roar of the
underground river hundreds of feet below our rooms, reaming out walls,
driving deeper and deeper; the centuries--old drip-drip of seepage
building stalagmites, an inch in a hundred years; the spatter of the
spring three rooms away--the room of the pictures half buried in
stone--where the spring breaks through the roof. Half awake, half
asleep, I felt as if I were myself the cave, my thoughts coursing
downward through my own strange hollows... or some impulse older and
darker than thought, as old as the mindless mechanics of a bear, the
twilight meditations of a wolf, a tree...

Who knows what all this means? Neither awake nor asleep, my chest
filled with an excitement like joy, I tried to think whether or not I
was afraid of the strangers, and the thought made no sense. It was
unreal--insubstantial as spiderweb-strands blowing lightly across a
window that looks out on trees. I have sometimes watched men do
mysterious things. A man with a wife and seven children, a carpenter
with a fair reputation as wise, not maddened by passions, not given to
foolishness--regular of habit, dignified in bearing, a dedicated
craftsman (no edge unbeveled, no ragged peg, no gouge or split)--once
crept from his house at the edge of the town while his family slept,
and fled down snowy paths through woods to the house of a hunter away
in search of game. The hunter's wife admitted him, and he slept with
her until the second rooster crowed; then he fled back home. Who knows
why?  Tedium is the worst pain. The mind lays out the world in blocks,
and the hushed blood waits for revenge. All order, I've come to
understand, is theoretical, unreal--harmless, sensible, smiling mask
men slide between the two great, dark realities, the self and the
world--two snake-pits.  The watchful mind lies, cunning and swift,
about the dark blood's lust, lies and lies and lies until, weary of
talk, the watchman sleeps. Then sudden and swift the enemy strikes
from nowhere, the cavernous heart. Violence is truth, as the crazy old
peasant told Hrothulf. But the old fool only half grasped what he
said. He had never conversed with a dragon. And the stranger?

Afraid or not, I would go to the meadhall, I knew. I toyed, of course,
with the ridiculous theory that I'd stay where I was safe, like a
sensible beast. "Am I not free?--as free as a bird?" I whispered,
leering, maniacal. I have seen--I embody--the vision of the dragon:
absolute, final waste. I saw long ago the whole universe as
not-my-mother, and I glimpsed my place in it, a hole. Yet I exist, I
knew.  Then I alone exist, I said. It's me or it. What glee, that
glorious recognition! (The cave my cave is a jealous cave.) For even
my mama loves me not for myself, my holy specialness (he he ho ha),
but for my son-ness, my possessedness, my displacement of air as
visible proof of her power. I have set her aside--gently, picking her
up by the armpits as I would a child--and so have proved that she has
no power but the little I give her by momentary whim.  So I might set
aside Hrothgar's whole kingdom and all his thanes if I did not, for
sweet desire's sake, set limits to desire. If I murdered the last of
the Scyldings, what would I live for? I'd have to move.

So now, for once unsure of victory, I might set limits to desire: go
to sleep, put off further raids till the Geats go home. For the world
is divided, experience teaches, into two parts: things to be murdered,
and things that would hinder the murder of things: and the Geats might
reasonably be defined either way. So I whispered, wading through
drifts waist--high, inexorably on my way to Hrothgar's meadhall.
Darkness lay over the world like a coffin lid. I hurried. It would be
a shame to miss the boasting.  I came to the hall, bent down at my
chink, peered in. The wind was shrill, full of patterns.

It was a scene to warm the cockles of your heart. The Danes were not
pleased, to say the least, that the Geats had come to save them. Honor
is very big with them; they'd rather be eaten alive than be bailed out
by strangers.  The priests weren't happy either. They'd been saying
for years that the ghostly Destroyer would take care of things in
time. Now here were these foreigner upstarts unmasking religion! My
old friend Ork sat shaking his head in dismay, saying nothing,
brooding, no doubt, on the dark metaphysical implications. Things
fade; alternatives exclude.  Whichever of us might exclude the other,
when the time came for me and the stranger to meet, the eyes of the
people would be drawn to the instance, they would fail to rise to the
holy idea of process. Theology does not thrive in the world of action
and reaction, change: it grows on calm, like the scum on a stagnant
pool. And it flourishes, it prospers, on decline. Only in a world
where everything is patently being lost can a priest stir men's hearts
as a poet would by maintaining that nothing is in vain. For old times'
sake, for the old priest's honor, I would have to kill the stranger.
And for the honor of Hrothgar's thanes.

The Danes sat sulking, watching the strangers eat, wishing some one of
them would give them an excuse to use their daggers. I covered my
mouth to keep from cackling.  The king presided, solemn and irritable.
He knew that his thanes couldn't handle me alone, and he was too old
and tired to be much impressed--however useful it might be to his
kingdom--by their fathead ideas of honor. Get through the meal, that':
the thing, he was thinking. Keep them from toasting their much touted
skills on one another. The queen wasn't present. Situation much too
touchy.

Then up spoke Unferth, Ecglaf's son, top man in Hrothgar's hall. He
had a nose like a black, deformed potato, eyes like a couple of fangs.
He leaned forward over the table and pointed the dagger he'd been
eating with. "Say, friend," he said to the beardless leader of the
Geats, "are you the same man that went swimming that time with young
Breca--risked your lives in the middle of the winter for nothing--for
a crazy meadboast?"

The stranger stopped eating, smiled.

"We heard about that," Unferth said. "Nobody could stop you--kings,
priests, councilors--nobody. Splash! Uh, uh, uh!" Unferth made
swimming motions, eyes rolled up, mouth gasping. The thanes around him
laughed. "The sea boiled with waves, fierce winter swells. Seven
nights you swam, so people say." He made his face credulous, and the
Danes laughed again. "And at last Breca beat you, much stronger than
you were. He proved his boast against you--for what it may be worth."
The Danish thanes laughed. Even Hrothgar smiled. Unferth grew serious,
and now only the stranger went on smiling, he alone and the huge Geats
next to him, patient as timberwolves. Unferth pointed with his dagger,
giving friendly advice. "I predict it will go even worse for you
tonight. You may have had successes--haven't heard. But wait up for
Grendel for one night's space and all your glorious successes will be
done with."

The Danes applauded. The stranger smiled on, his downward-slanting
eyes like empty pits. I could see his mind working, stone-cold,
grinding like a millwheel. When the hall was still, he spoke,
soft-voiced, his weird gaze focused nowhere. "Ah, friend Unferth,
drunk with mead you've said a good deal about Breca. The truth is,
nevertheless, that I beat him. I'm stronger in the ocean than any
other man alive. Like foolish boys we agreed on the match and boasted,
yes... we were both very young...  swore we'd risk our lives in the
sea, and did so. We took swords with us, swimming one-handed, to fight
off whales."

Unferth laughed, and the others followed, as was right.  It was
preposterous.

The stranger said, "Breca couldn't swim away from me, for all his
strength--a man with arms like yours, friend Unferth--and as for
myself, I chose not to swim away from him. Thus we swam for five
nights, and then a storm came up, icy wind from the north, black sky,
raging waves, and we were separated. The turmoil stirred up the
seamonsters.  One of them attacked me, dragged me down to the bottom
where the weight of the sea would have crushed any other man. But it
was granted to me that I might kill him with my sword, which same I
did. Then others attacked. They pressed me hard. I killed them, nine
old water nickers, robbed them of the feast they expected at the
bottom of the sea. In the morning, sword-ripped, they lay belly-up
near shore. They'd trouble no more passing sailors after that. Light
came from the east and, behold, I saw headlands, and I swam to them.
Fate often enough will spare a man if his courage holds."

Now the Danes weren't laughing. The stranger said it all so calmly, so
softly, that it was impossible to laugh. He believed every word he
said. I understood at last the look in his eyes. He was insane.

Even so, I wasn't prepared for what came next. Nobody was. Solemn,
humorless despite the slightly ironic smile, he suddenly cut deep--yet
with the same mildness, the same almost inhuman indifference except
for the pale Hash of fire in his eyes. "Neither Breca nor you ever
fought such battles," he said. "I don't boast much of that.
Nevertheless, I don't recall hearing any glorious deeds of yours,
except that you murdered your brothers. You'll prowl the stalagmites
of hell for that, friend Unferth--clever though you are."

The hall was numb. The stranger was no player of games.

And yet he was shrewd, you had to grant. Whether or not they believed
his wild tale of superhuman strength, no thane in the hall would
attack him again and risk the slash of that mild, coolly murderous
tongue.

Old King Hrothgar, for one, was pleased. The madman's
single-mindedness would be useful in a monster fight. He spoke:
"Where's the queen? We're all friends in this hall! Let her come to us
and pass the bowl!"

She must have been listening behind her door. She came out, radiant,
and crossed swiftly to the great golden bowl on the table by the
hearth. As if she'd brought light and warmth with her, men began
talking, joking, laughing, both Danes and Geats together. When she'd
served all the Danes and the lesser Geats, she stood, red hair
flowing, her neck and arms adorned in gold, by the leader of the
strangers. "I thank God," she said, "that my wish has been granted,
that at last I have found a man whose courage I can trust."

The stranger smiled, glanced at Unferth. Hrothgar's top man had
recovered a little, though his neck was still dark red.

"We'll see," the stranger said.

And again I found something peculiar happening to my mind. His mouth
did not seem to move with his words, and the harder I stared at his
gleaming shoulders, the more uncertain I was of their shape. The room
was full of a heavy, unpleasant scent I couldn't place. I labor to
remember something: twisted roots, an abyss... I lose it. The queer
little spasm of terror passes. Except for his curious beardlessness,
there is nothing frightening about the stranger.  I've broken the
backs of bulls no weaker than he is.

Hrothgar made speeches, his hand on the queen's. Unferth sat perfectly
still, no longer blushing. He was struggling to make himself hope for
the stranger's success, no doubt. Heroism is more than noble language,
dignity.  Inner heroism, that's the trick! Glorious carbuncle of the
soul! Except in the life of the hero the whole world's meaningless. He
took a deep breath. He would try to be a better person, yes. He forced
a smile, but it twisted, out of his control. Tears! He got up suddenly
and, without a word, walked out.

Hrothgar told the hall that the stranger was like a son to him. The
queen's smile was distant, and the nephew, Hrothulf, picked at the
table with a dirty fingernail.  "You already have more sons than you
need," the queen laughed lightly. Hrothgar laughed too, though he
didn't seem to get it. He was tipsy. The stranger went on sitting with
the same unlighted smile. The old king chatted of his plans for
Freawaru, how he would marry her off to his enemy, the king of the
Heathobards. The stranger smiled on, but closed his eyes. He knew a
doomed house when he saw it, I had a feeling; but for one reason or
another he kept his peace. I grew more and more afraid of him and at
the same time--who can explain it?--more and more eager for the hour
of our meeting.

The queen rose, at last, and retired. The fire in the hearth had now
died down. The priests filed out to the god-ring to do their
devotions. Nobody followed. I could hear them in the distance: "O
ghostly Destroyer..." The cold ring of gods stared inward with large,
dead eyes.

It is the business of rams to be rams and of goats to be goats, the
business of shapers to sing and of kings to rule.  The stranger waits
on, as patient as a grave-mound. I too wait, whispering, whispering,
mad like him. Time grows, obeying its mechanics, like all of us. So
the young Shaper observes, singing to the few who remain, fingertips
troubling a dead man's harp.


Frost shall freeze, and fire melt wood;

the earth shall give fruit, and ice shall bridge

dark water, make roofs, mysteriously lock

earth's flourishings; but the fetters of frost

shall also fall, fair weather return,

and the reaching sun restore the restless sea....


We wait.

The king retires, and his people leave.

The Geats build up the fire, prepare to sleep.

And now, silence.

Darkness.

It is time.


12

I touch the door with my fingertips and it bursts, for all its
fire-forged bands--it jumps away like a terrified deer--and I plunge
into the silent, hearth-lit hall with a laugh that I wouldn't much
care to wake up to myself.  I trample the planks that a moment before
protected the hall like a hand raised in horror to a terrified mouth
(sheer poetry, ah!) and the broken hinges rattle like swords down the
timbered walls. The Gears are stones, and whether it's because they're
numb with terror or stiff from too much mead, I cannot tell. I am
swollen with excitement, bloodlust and joy and a strange fear that
mingle in my chest like the twisting rage of a bone-fire. I step onto
the brightly shining floor and angrily advance on them. They're all
asleep, the whole company!  I can hardly believe my luck, and my wild
heart laughs, but I let out no sound. Swiftly, softly, I will move
from bed, to bed and destroy them all, swallow every last man.  I am
blazing, half--crazy with joy. For pure, mad prank, I snatch a cloth
from the nearest table and tie it around my neck to make a napkin. I
delay no longer. I seize up a sleeping man, tear at him hungrily, bite
through his bone-locks and suck hot, slippery blood. He goes down in
huge morsels, head, chest, hips, legs, even the hands and feet. My
face and arms are wet, matted. The napkin is sopping.  The dark floor
steams. I move on at once and I reach for another one (whispering,
whispering, chewing the universe down to words), and I seize a wrist.
A shock goes through me. Mistake!

It's a trick! His eyes are open, were open all the time,
cold-bloodedly watching to see how I work. The eyes nail me now as his
hand nails down my arm. I jump back without thinking (whispering
wildly: jump back without thinking). Now he's out of his bed, his hand
still closed like a dragon's jaws on mine. Nowhere on middle-earth, I
realize, have I encountered a grip like his. My whole arm's on fire,
incredible, searing pain--it's as if his crushing fingers are charged
like fangs with poison. I scream, facing him, grotesquely shaking
hands--dear long-lost brother, kinsman-thane--and the timbered hall
screams back at me. I feel the bones go, ground from their sockets,
and I scream again. I am suddenly awake. The long pale dream, my
history, falls away. The meadhall is alive, great cavernous belly,
gold-adorned, bloodstained, howling back at me, lit by the flickering
fire in the stranger's eyes. He has wings. Is it possible?  And yet
it's true: out of his shoulders come terrible fiery wings. I jerk my
head, trying to drive out illusion.  The world is what it is and
always was. That's our hope, our chance. Yet even in times of
catastrophe we people it with tricks. Grendel, Grendel, hold fast to
what is true!

Suddenly, darkness. My sanity has won. He's only a man; I can escape
him. I plan. I feel the plan moving inside me like thaw-time waters
rising between cliffs.  When I'm ready, I give a ferocious kick--but
something's wrong: I am spinning--Wa!--falling through bottomless
space--Wa!--snatching at the huge twisted roots of an oak... a
blinding flash of fire... no, darkness. I concentrate.  I have fallen!
Slipped on blood. He viciously twists my arm behind my back. By
accident, it comes to me, I have given him a greater advantage. I
could laugh. Woe, woe!

And now something worse. He's whispering--spilling words like showers
of sleet, his mouth three inches from my ear. I will not listen. I
continue whispering. As long as I whisper myself I need not hear. His
syllables lick at me, chilly fire. His syllables lick at me, chilly
fire. His syllables lick at me, chilly fire. His syllables lick...

A meaningless swirl in the stream of time, a temporary gathering of
bits, a few random specks, a cloud... Complexities: green dust, purple
dust, gold. Additional refinements: sensitive dust, copulating dust...

The world is my bone-cave, I shall not want... (He laughs as he
whispers. I roll my eyes back. Flames slip out at the corners of his
mouth.) As you see it it is, while the seeing lasts, dark
nightmare-history, time-as-coffin; but where the water was rigid there
will be fish, and men will survive on their flesh till spring. It's
coming, my brother. Believe it or not.  Though you murder the world,
turn plains to stone, transmogrify life into I and it, strong
searching roots will crack your cave and rain will cleanse it: The
world will burn green, sperm build again. My promise. Time is the
mind, the hand that makes (fingers on harpstrings, hero-swords, the
acts, the eyes of queens). By that I kill you.

I do not listen. I am sick at heart. I have been betrayed before by
talk like that. "Mama!" I bawl. Shapes vague as lurking seaweed
surround us. My vision clears. The stranger's companions encircle us,
useless swords. I could laugh if it weren't for the pain that makes me
howl. And yet I address him, whispering, whimpering, whining.

"If you win, it's by mindless chance. Make no mistake.  First you
tricked me, and then I slipped. Accident."

He answers with a twist that hurls me forward screaming.  The thanes
make way. I fall against a table and smash it, and wall timbers crack.
And still he whispers.

Grendel, Grendel! You make the world by whispers, second by second.
Are you blind to that? Whether you make it a grave or a garden of
roses is not the point.  Feel the wall: is it not hard? He smashes me
against it, breaks open my forehead. Hard, yes! Observe the hardness,
write it down in careful runes. Now sing of walls!  Sing!

I howl.

Sing!

"I'm singing!"

Sing words! Sing raving hymns!

"You're crazy. Ow!"

Sing!

"I sing of walls," I howl. "Hooray for the hardness of walls!"

Terrible, he whispers. Terrible. He laughs and lets out fire.

"You're crazy," I say. "If you think I created that wall that cracked
my head, you're a fucking lunatic."

Sing walls, he hisses.

I have no choice.

"The wall will fall to the wind as the windy hill

will fall, and all things thought in former times:

Nothing made remains, nor man remembers.

And these towns shall be called the shining towns!"


Better, he whispers. That's better. He laughs again, and the nasty
laugh admits I'm slyer than he guessed.

He's crazy. I understand him all right, make no mistake.  Understand
his lunatic theory of matter and mind, the chilly intellect, the hot
imagination, blocks and builder, reality as stress. Nevertheless, it
was by accident that he got my arm behind me. He penetrated no
mysteries. He was lucky. If I'd known he was awake, if I'd known there
was blood on the floor when I gave him that kick...

The room goes suddenly white, as if struck by lightning.  I stare
down, amazed. He has torn off my arm at the shoulder! Blood pours down
where the limb was. I cry, I bawl like a baby. He stretches his
blinding white wings and breathes out fire. I run for the door and
through it.  I move like wind. I stumble and fall, get up again. I'll
die!  I howl. The night is aflame with winged men. No, no!  Think! I
come suddenly awake once more from the nightmare.  Darkness. I really
will die! Every rock, every tree, every crystal of snow cries out
cold-blooded objectness.  Cold, sharp outlines, everything around me:
distinct, detached as dead men. I understand.  "Mama!" I bellow.

"Mama, Mama! I'm dying!" But her love is history. His whispering
follows me into the woods, though I've outrun him. "It was an
accident," I bellow back. I will cling to what is true. "Blind,
mindless, mechanical. Mere logic of chance." I am weak from loss of
blood. No one follows me now. I stumble again and with my one weak arm
I cling to the huge twisted roots of an oak. I look down past stars to
a terrifying darkness. I seem to recognize the place, but it's
impossible. "Accident," I whisper. I will fall. I seem to desire the
fall, and though I fight it with all my will I know in advance that I
can't win. Standing baffled, quaking with fear, three feet from the
edge of a nightmare cliff, I find myself, incredibly, moving toward
it. I look down, down, into bottomless blackness, feeling the dark
power moving in me like an ocean current, some monster inside me, deep
sea wonder, dread night monarch astir in his cave, moving me slowly to
my voluntary tumble into death.

Again sight clears. I am slick with blood. I discover I no longer feel
pain. Animals gather around me, enemies of old, to watch me die. I
give them what I hope will appear a sheepish smile. My heart booms
terror. Will the last of my life slide out if I let out breath? They
watch with mindless, indifferent eyes, as calm and midnight black as
the chasm below me.

Is it joy I feel?

They watch on, evil, incredibly stupid, enjoying my destruction.

"Poor Grendel's had an accident," I whisper. "So may you all."



ABOUT THE AUTHOR

John Gardner received wide acclaim for his novels, his
collections of short stories and his critical works. He
was born in Batavia, New York, in 1933 and taught
English, Anglo-Saxon and creative writing at Oberlin,
Chico State College, San Francisco State, Southern
Illinois, Bennington, and SUNY--Binghamton. His
books include The Art of Fiction, The Art of Living,
Grendel, jason and Medeia, The Life and Times of
Chaucer, Mickelsson's Ghosts, Nickel Mountain, October
Light, The Resurrection, The Sunlight Dialogues, Stillness
and Shadows, and various books for children. He died
in a motorcycle accident in 1982.