Cube Hall O' Fame The Cube: Hall of Fortuitous Random Number Generation ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Contrary to what society tells you, you do a lot more than just deposit the sperm Response: The last time we tried more active lovemaking, we nearly lost our security deposit. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'll empathize with your pain just as soon as I stop laughing Response: Grad school and America made me the cheerful person I am today. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: he got locked in a steel cage with esr and then I stopped paying attention Response: Kind of hard given that they blew up the sun, right? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Eating a donut is a side-effecting operation Response: there's nothing like experiencing firsthand the way your lips smack together after tasting the sugary goodness. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Ah what the hell. So long as we don't die. Response: the theory being that you'll probably emit a foot-long blue flame from the side of your head, which would look pretty fucking cool. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Look, I'll kill you. Response: not if I get my way and surgically remove the pleasure centers of your brain ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How am I going to please an infinite god with limited firepower? Response: cleanliness is next to reggae ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I dance upon your socioeconomic status. Response: Number Eight: You have overestimated your importance in the Universe. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Does sex hurt when it's the first time? How badly does it hurt? And on contrast, how good does it feel? Response: Here, bite this stick while I pour whisky in your vitals. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I now require a catcher's mitt and fiberglass to masturbate myself to orgasm. Response: If this isn't a project destined for talent like Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, Ricki Lake, Crispin Glover and 40 high-end Silicon Graphics workstations, we don't know what is. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You can talk about women all you want. In the meantime, I'm going to shove my finger up Kosak's ass and milk his prostate. Response: It won't be really scary until we dress Xavier up in a Barney suit. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I keep my genitals wrapped in tin-foil at all times to block the space aliens' sinister mutagenic rays. Response: No doubt some sinister heterosexual quotas were involved. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: stop POKING my CRUST SCABS Response: Would you like to draw a picture of that? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Goedel implies Akido? Response: Nonsense. All this statement implies is that every system contains at least twelve hypocrites. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Size may not matter in this case. Response: Feeling incorrect? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: That consideration is obviously not relevant here, where appellants' conduct was obviously intended as a political, rather than a fashion, statement. Response: This relegates to trivia such considerations as social skills, etiquette, other people's feelings, any exertion outside of your own narrow focus, and possibly even personal hygiene. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Deny everything; after the ceremony, head for Vegas. Response: I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Sing, you swine! You all know the chorus! Response: I am learning. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Now my hatred is justified Response: My friends have taken to calling me "Bitch of Untrammeled Malevolence." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: mount -t nfs doctor:/home/porn /home/porn SUCCESS Response: Why didn't anyone tell me my ass was so big ??? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I presume my enjoyment of this track is another indication that I am gay and just don't know it Response: That's my story and I'm sticking to it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Always ready to stand in as the designated doofus. Response: Is he the guy that was in the bed when I came to check out the butt washer? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: MRA EHT MA I EKAM I DNUOS EHT SI SIHT DNA WOoooooOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOO! WoOOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOOOooooo! WoooooOOOOOOOOOOooOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Response: .yppah em ekam lliw tI .noitcerid thgir eht ni liame etirw em ekam lliw ti dnA ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I cannot discuss my notes if you have a boner. Response: ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think I just got bumped up a notch in that gayhetero scale Response: I used to worry that i'd whip it out in public and people would think I'm a nerd. Now I fear that whipping it out will make me seem conformist. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There's the engagement party, the wedding, all those people you never really knew eating YOUR food and drinking YOUR money. Response: that's a religious issue. and you are wrong. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: When I argue I tend to be explicit about what I think is wrong, and usually append a "pigfucker" for good measure at the end Response: Really? I'm writing my first novel in the third-person subjunctive, with changes in narrative voice expressed by a different angle of the text upon the page. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You mean these computers can be used for porn *and* work? Response: Now apply this same theory to drinking. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I just don't care, because I'm on the inside of my face. Response: orally penetrated by a tentacle ORALLY PENETRATED BY A TENTACLE ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It has some mild profanity, some lecherous ogling and some frightening car crashes. Response: Dull, boring roles are assigned to subroutines. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: and what if you upload yourself into self-replicating bush robots which fan out with the intent of meeting for a party on the other side of the galaxy? can they all read it? Response: hm, I bet I could bud if I just tried hard enough ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You were feeding it "wrong" problems. By "wrong" I mean correct ones. Response: typical Microsoft statement ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: But can't you "-jesus" ? Response: But what do I know? I was taught from the Hebrew ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: a MYSTERY wrapped up in a RIDDLE wrapped up in a HAM SANDWICH. Response: goddamn pork fascists won't let me put the lettuce on top of the tomato in my sandwich. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife Response: "look at me fire my mighty weapon all over this woman. *grunt*" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am pro-death: pro-choice, pro-euthanasia & assisted suicide, pro-gun, pro-death penalty, anti-seatbelt & -helmet law, pro-drug and prostitution decriminalization. Response: i have no morals ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: does anyone have a knack for finding "studs"? Response: I recommend you wear black leather and develop a fixation on eggplant. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Most of the chicks I see, with their razornails, retracting fangs, and strychnine-tipped barbed pubic wire, they're just so... independent. Response: massive monroeville faux-glam big hair FREAKishness my penis has retracted inside my body cavity ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I want to get all functoriffic on my fellow coders' behinds. Response: sometimes a very light touch seems sufficient. other times i can just bang away and it won't register for 7-8 tries ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: But of course, pigfucker. Response: ok you dim little freak... you asked for it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: "look at me fire my mighty weapon all over this woman. *grunt*" Response: Don't try this at home, kids. Definitely not at home. Maybe at that rundown motel just off the highway. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I knew I shouldn't have skipped middle school on 'gay porn theater fieldtrip day' Response: Got milt? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Each is wearing a nametag: "Incompetent Henchman #1" and "Incompetent Henchman #2". Response: The truly incompetent are blissfully ignorant of their lack of ability. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You're probably in their database as a whiner. Which is unsurprising. You're in my database as a whiner. Response: Hey, I am having my people be rude to their people. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My brain is faster than google. Response: C'mon! I could whistle the page in morse faster than you're fetching it! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I can honestly say that I don't want to eat monkeys. Response: Just don't eat the thing, and you'll be fine ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'd be like "hello, there's enough of Jonathan Taylor Thomas for the both of us" Response: but, i repeat myself ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: However, it is true that I have no idea what I am talking about. Response: MALE REACTION: "Cool!" FEMALE REACTION: "Why?" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why isn't there a jerkoff button on my keyboard? Response: Why beat a dead horse with a hammer when you have a perfectly good piano? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: But a full orchestra in your pants would be better still. Response: It's Texas Penal Code Section 43.23(f), but it's six dildoes, not three. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't think one ever wants to be cited as the definition of "easy". Response: And I never heard of, or ran into, a problem which could be solved by having more porn. But if I do, I'm ready for it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm not asking for advice. I'm wallowing in self-pity. Response: When a professor insists computer science is X but not Y, have compassion for his graduate students. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This has made me one sick and confused little puppy. Response: I've seen people speak with that kind of unrestrained longing before, but the object of their affection was usually a muddy music festival where Beck shares a stage with the Beastie Boys, or a short-run New York play such as The Vagina Monologues. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Think "Walt Disney on LSD." Response: Distressingly, there is nothing about vampires in the Koran. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i'm ok with revenge. Response: you just need wheel-scythes and a letter of marque and reprisal. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: look, if you haven't got a one-sentence business model, you're already doomed Response: It's hard to go wrong with back-stabbing, bug-eating, and a haughty naked gay guy. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am a friggin' genius. You owe me a beer. Response: I should just bottle my imagination and sell it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: if you had a gold-plated lighter with a playboy bunny on it, you would have gotten laid. Response: Yes, i'm cynical. Sorry. It's a way of lIfe. Really. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I wasn't actually able to read it until I'd run query-replace. Response: You're not 3L33T. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: none of my sex toys say "boil to clean" and several say "do not immerse in water", so there. Response: Apparently I'm engulfed in evil. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: That's ok, I remembered to take my Prozac today. Response: Being neurotic is so fulfilling. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: We found him over in the Very Important Penis section of Club Elite. Response: I'm starting to suspect that they are some kind of elite sexual spy force. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Your cock does not qualify as "chinese food". Response: This doesn't involve the astroglide in Jim's office, does it? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Nowadays you have to boil people before you can sleep with them Response: well, if you had a choice between quietly boiling and being caught up in a raging firestorm, boiling might not look so bad. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Let me tell you about multi-valued logics. Response: you have to be much more virulent than that. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Because I am lame. Response: Even the Buddha has to draw the line somewhere. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Where do you suppose the saints are? GEagle? Response: I don't know. I'm just chomskying. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Mostly I've seen this with 12 year olds at rock concerts. Response: Actually, I've never seen an engorged faculty penis. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: So then none of us are getting my MIT dingdong? Response: Hard math up my ass. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Cocaine can be manufactured by converting tropinone into 2-carbomethoxytropinone, reducing this to ecgonine, and then converting the ecgonine to cocaine. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Response: Perhaps you can initiate a different chemical reaction that will take stink as input and produce spoon. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Haven't we had this argument before? And decided that I am right? Response: I'll debate it. What are we talking about? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Please, god, no more dwarf porn Response: I fear no dwarves who drink Coors. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't know the exact details, but ideally it's done unpasteurized, and some of the flavor comes from insects. Response: The correspondent spared us some of the details. We will spare you all of them. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: if this is going to turn into some kind of repressed memory pedophilia thing, I'm tuning out Response: Will there be beer? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Although I would like a place to dock my drigible. Response: Exit at your own risk. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I really like covers of Smiths songs way better than actual Smiths songs. What does this say about me? What does this say about the smiths? Can you point me towards any particular good smiths covers? Response: What? You didn't have any bipolar bisexual smiths-listening unrequited crush-object mathematicians at your disposal? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: With no evidence, I am going to guess that jch is a Katrine. Response: Just call me empirical-evidence man. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN, THIS IS THE NAUGHTIES. Response: brilliant. what "world" are you in? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I have more yarmulkes than socks! Response: And as the SCS receptions show, some SCS folks seem to believe that "semi-formal" means "with socks". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: And in a burst of CG particles, he was gone. Response: Oh great: Now I'm going to be consumed in a burst of CG particle-system explosions when Andrew does The Wrong Thing with his thermostat. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't know about you, but I'd rather not see Janet Reno having sex. Response: It's the Entertainment Trinity. What's violence without sex and alcohol? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: a friend has a nice psycho breakup story complete with stalking, lipstick threats, INS calls, credit card fraud, auto theft, potted-plant assassination, hepatitis C, and a large gun-wielding lesbian (the main character). Response: It's not just a beer, it's revenge. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: lichtenstein's leading export is dental prosthetics Response: If this all were true, there would be a URL for it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm not sure that I want to pass a Turing test proving that I'm indistinguishable from Corey. Response: so buttmonkeys are conformant at this point. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Your neural connection to the zubermind is faulty. Please shave your head, slather it with contact jelly and place it directly against your monitor for improved transmission Response: Another technique is to put your nose on the screen and slowly pull back. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: d00dz!!! U kANN0t n0 ab0ut MeE! i m the l33te$t! i m da MAN 0f ure n1GHtm4r3s!! l4y 0FF!, 0r i w1ll 0wnZ u ju$t 4 phun w1th mY l33t VBSkr1pt tr0j4n! b0w t0 m3!!!! Response: I haven't had my coffee yet, so I don't know if that was sarcasm. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: maybe i've seen too many (or too few) nipples, or else not enough pepperoni, to appreciate this observation. Response: To me, they're all the same: smell like incense, taste like battery acid. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think I've got masturbating furtively down cold. How can I apply this energy more effectively? Response: Would specs for a potato cannon help? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There are many things I don't know how to translate. "Prince Albert" for instance Response: That's IT? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There's definitely a market for you in the Japanese gay bukkake industry. Response: If you can read this, you're in range. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The only thing that makes me feel better is when I remind myself that no matter what I do, the earth is eventually gonna be consummed by red giant sun in about 5 billion years anyway and a few quintillion years later, heat death for the entire universe as well. Response: you'd need 100 milligrams of thorazine and a polo mallet. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My goal is to produce a zucchini by the end of the semester. Response: I have no idea if you're intentionally lying or if you simply have an IQ lower than the average rock, but I'd really recommend that you quit while you're behind. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: for $100M you can build cerebral electrodes and a happiness button. Response: Better living through chemistry. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King of Kings. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair. Response: The funniest, frankest family Holocaust drama of the decade! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: p.s. i am gay Response: If you're trying to make me slide down and disappear under the desk you're doing a good job. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Sygyt will freeze a squirrel and bring about a floor-belly slink in a cat. Kargyraa will cause a dog to seek an oblique horizon or to counter vocalize. Response: That's actually quite interesting, if largely insane. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't actually want a sorority girl at the moment. Response: Life in the trenches, white picket fences, see what love can do, don't let it happen to you ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Here, let me help: "Pigfucker, pigfucker, pigfucker" Response: whups, missed a bacon ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Dude, you are morally obligated to commit suicide to reduce your impact on the planet. Response: I mean, "Hi." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: HEAD is good for relieving your worries Response: Hello You reproduction fanatics! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Just ignore him, he's not a PhD Response: Why don't you just tattoo "I'M A LOSER" on your forehead? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: God dammit, that page crashed my Jesus Response: I haven't told you about any of my devastating failures. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm too busy sucking anonymous cock down at the wharf to worry about politics Response: We are damp with gratitude. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What the hell did I cram in my anus last night? Response: You should refrain from all future intellectual discussion. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: my NAME is not BUMBOT Response: I hate my life. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am not your rented training monkey Response: My once submissive wife began to assert her opinions and would not listen to my prideful orders. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i suspect "karl-shaped" is approximately equivalent to "mid-size cabbage." Response: I imagined Cheryl saying it, and suddenly the joke was obvious. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: we're not losing a bitter zephyrati, we're gaining a bitter zephyratrix Response: IT IS TIME FOR US TO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: IT IS TIME FOR US TO MAKE SWEET SWEET LOVE Response: I'm not sure whether to mock you or not. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: picture something so annoying that dfoygel enjoys it immensely Response: Well, that's what aliens do when they abduct you. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: These days, you have to boil somebody before you can sleep with them. Response: Actually, you could replace most of that with the word "quux" and not lose any semantic content. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't worry - The internet is a party every one is invited to. Response: And it is BIG, it scares people. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Santa *is* an angry shoggoth--which is why I'm sitting on the roof this Christmas Eve armed with a rocket launcher, an Elder Sign, and a bottle of cheap tequila. Response: and Harlan Ellison as the voice of Zooty. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If silence is golden, you will never be rich. Response: you may also come to enjoy chromatic aberrations ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: And Satan's computer is hard to test. Response: Oh, go ahead and apply logic to the situation. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Anyone who knows anything about biology knows that a monkey and a rabbit can not breed and produce young. If however, pocket monkey and his rabbit produced young, what would their young look like? Response: You're a scientist. Run an experiment. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Every day, we find a new way to screw up on the web. Response: Congrats! Now all you have to worry about is that "house built on top of old cemetary" problem. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yes, but this is WAY better than waking up from a dream of excel spreadsheets. Response: I'm so tired ... hopefully tonight I won't dream about the aliens, the volcano, and Danny Sleator ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: but the number of characters who wear no pants is rather alarming. Response: I'm here to talk about one of the most serious problems facing our nation's men today: insufficient fabric overlap in underpants crotches. You all know what I'm talking about. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: with occasional cow flurries Response: I feel inadequate. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Hit me, slap me, make me write bad code Response: Um, I assume you mean "finish," rather than "write in the language of the Kalevala." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Have some coffee already, people. Response: But you sound delightfully abnormal also! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How do I rid myself of really bad acne? Response: Encase yourself completely in soft lace. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If I lived in Pittsburgh, I imagine I could make deals with you folks like "okay if you modify my kernel to do IP-based stack driven optimizing systolic array video card encryption, then I'll, like, fix your flat tire." Response: Flunkies! I want flunkies! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: would you class this under "funny-haha" or "funny-weird"? Response: It is probably the Dinkenlimit. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again... Response: I'd like to come by to see it explode. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'd slap you, but you'd only enjoy it. Response: I think we have very different metabolisms. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Is there intelligent life out there? Response: All it takes is one person convinced that they can and should contact extraterrestrials. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Development is hindered by guys with shotguns killing my shell windows. Response: shit, I'm leaking on the keyboard ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: An overweight, left-handed Native-American lesbian dwarf who is a socialist & feminist ... a public school teacher by day & prostitute by night ... who also likes to mime. Response: Eject! Eject! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: andrej is gonna spank you so hard Response: My butt says "what the hell, try it!" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What are the demographics of a typical "Jeopardy" viewer? What are the demographics of a typical "Wheel of Fortune" viewer? What are the demographics of a typical "Forum 2000" viewer? Response: Same supposedly hyperintelligent whatsits acting like petulent 6-year-olds. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: how much extra does it cost to get the mailman to set it on fire and ring the door bell when he delivers it? Response: Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What is life? Response: If you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Even in virtual reality, fashion counts. Response: It is a bad keyboard day. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am not edible. Are you edible? Response: Her face is the cake. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Hello? Whose dick do I need to scrimshaw to get you to respond? Response: In this situation, using an imperative language would be more functional. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. Response: We're dangerously close to over-sharing here. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am God. Prove me wrong. Response: you're just a kosakian stooge ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm a man of the 90's... I can handle "gay". Response: You hardly EVER want anything else... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yeah, well, you're gonna be exploring the cosmos soon too. Response: May as well pick up some eye of newt and bat wings while you're at it ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: mad raging urge po comments re gradstudenthood QWAN qua computer science and meta-qua one's life's happiness Response: To which I can only say "Aaarrghhh" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: your character set oppresses me Response: HEY -- You watch your mouth, Canada-Lover! We don't go for that kind of talk here in the U.S. of A! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: what is the best way to pleasure a president? Response: Beer? Hello? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Think of the huge dildos as stone lions. Response: we can't all be international playboys like you ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Bonking strippers is goal enough for any man. Response: Huh? Is this some category-theory-inspired nonsense? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: the cat also has a substantially different buttock design, which may matter. Response: This could cause more loss of cerebrospinal fliud than I can really afford. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: But demon locusts are shortly dispatched as a divine plague to attack those who do not have the seal of God on their foreheads. Response: At least it will be an act of "educated destruction" then. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: ITYM "The laptop implanted in your `lap', known as the "lap"" Response: god you people are annoying ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: SEX Response: Nowadays, men can't sustain that kind of focused, frustrated love without it festering into violence, and women still can't have it without it degenerating into some form of literature. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: wow. I love you all! I love my thesis! la la la la la la Response: so call me a twisted and malformed excuse for a forgotten life if you must. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: personally, five minutes on a beach is enough to convince ME i'm inferior to anyone with any melanin whatsoever Response: hands up everyone who believes that ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: STAR WARS: THE PHANTOM MENANCE Response: Graphics tend to corrupt. Animated graphics corrupt absolutely. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: if i were you, i'd graduate first. Response: Look, the world doesn't stand still while you waste your time on masturbatory trips of self-discovery. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm curious about the patterns of bullshit by which people pull the wool over their eyes. Response: Why do it probabilisticaly, when I have provided you with the superior European solution? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It is my belief that everything good in life must be firmly packed. Response: Indentations always, or is it ok if they only appear upon clenching? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If it's not love, what's going on? How does an electron form a bond? How does it react? How does it HOOOOOOLD on? How does an electron form a bond? Response: Bad metaphor, no biscuit. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Oh please, it should be "Westdirectionbindairplaneflightthroughair." Response: How many times can a person say "What the fuck is he talking about?" and yet continue to listen to that person. That's what I'm trying to find out. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: oh momma, nobody I know is cuter than Jar Jar Binks. Response: We have a word, which translates in English as `ass-face' -- is that close? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: congratulations on becoming, uh, a plaunt Response: am I about to be unhappy? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: She could do a tarot reading using cocktail napkins. Response: Oooooh! How deliciously tempting. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: We're chock FULL of gyros. Response: Oh, I've got knobs too. And remotes that turn little motors to turn the knobs. And uber-remotes that handle all the other remotes. And macros. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Although Fithian, 77, remains a devoted Kegeler, she hadn't heard of the Feminine Personal Trainer, which is a one-pound stainless steel weight that comes with a video and a Discreet Hard Shell Carrying Case. Response: Oh, I think it's clear that Bond is a renegade Time Lord. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What you're saying is that you want someone to reach out to your inner slut. Response: All I wanted was a crash dump, and she wouldn't give it to me. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You can't go listening to every fucking little voice that pops into your head. Response: KILL THEM ALL AND LET THE DEMONS SORT THEM OUT ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: To keep this service alive, I need your bones. Response: the main difference is that the former is useful and the latter is not. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: She was a human being before being a Pitt student. Response: I, too, am fairly quivering in malleable firstyearness. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: my laptop is burning my nads off Response: future design enhancements may address this issue by the addition of artificial giblets. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! Did I mention that I hate you? Response: That would be redundant and repeat things. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I imagined Cheryl saying it, and suddenly the joke was obvious. Response: How silly. Friday evenings should be devoted to sexual activity. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think that when i have sex with pigs it hurts them should i be worried about this? Response: before the web, people bought their porn by mailorder ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think that's what we in the computer industry call a "bug" Response: 997 Illegal possession of a controlled unary operator. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i dunno. this newfangled world of "clients" and "servers" confuses and frightens me. back in the old days, we'd write all our work out long hand on paper with number two pencils, code it up on punch cards, and throw it in the trash bin on the way to the bar, since it was all wrong anyway. Response: He used to program video games, not in assembly language but in HEX CODE. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My problem is that I am 100% right, and you're a moron. Response: My body is just a shell. Wacka wacka zing zong. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I will proceed to drive you insane by turning on and off your lights at random intervals. Response: I only need the number 1. I then apply Peano's and other axioms repeatedly to get PowerPoint. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You are accused of crimes against the brand and of cursing in the presence of women and children! Response: they're going to need to develop better drugs for when these kids grow up. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Come on, folks. It's all a show. And you know the part where that fly always walks across the face of the bone-thin starving child on every one of those "We want your money now" commercials? It's the same fly every time! Response: WAR IS PEACE. BACKSPACE IS DELETE. OPENGL IS DIRECT3D. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: "Congratulations, evil rationalizing scum" doesn't count as "supportive" Response: Don't knock rationalization, it's better than sex. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: absolute creamiest fly girls Response: I assume the explanation is in the "you really don't want to know" category? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: why... ugh... life... too much... Response: Guess that'll teach you to play chess while stoned off your ass ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I need to be sweetly romanced before I can give in to your sick, freakish desires! Response: dang, just when I'd sent the sheep out for dry-cleaning ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Ha! Like I can be the unmoveable post to Pete's unstoppable oink. Response: Yes, but we're dildoheads with serious firepower. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Just pay the bail already, Mom. Response: oops, forgot to swear. 'fuck.' ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Hell is a continuum. Response: RUN SCREAMING ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: people are always confusing transvestites and homosexuals Response: it felt too "undergrad", too "heterosexual" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Were I a Zen master and you a novice monk, this would be the point at which you'd ask a simple question, I'd shout "foo!" and do something utterly incomprehensible, and you'd be enlightened. Response: Do not taunt happy fun cube. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Trailblazing chef Shen Qing has cooked up China's first patented dish fit for franchising: baked pig's head. Response: Breakthrough technology, phooey. Someone's patented a baseball cap that looks like a fried egg. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Drowned in a sea of low fat pudding. Response: Whenever I have an unpleasant thought, I just drown it in a sea of beer and infantile behavior ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Have you ever been laid by a borg? Response: We are Cube. Context is irrelevant. Seriousness is futile. You will be slurped. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Ninja Jesus removes his crown of thorns, and flings it like a throwing star into the Centurion's forehead, blinding him. Response: None dare call it conspiracy! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I could bottle the look on his face and sell it as a deadly weapon. Response: (i had that "lightweight, slightly insipid" look that speakers crave.) ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: We're screwed if there's an earthquake, but hey... Response: Wow, he really is drunk ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I only remember putting it somewhere "memorable" Response: Avoid vigorous efforts to remove by mechanical means. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: all the smart bees are ticked that they have to dance the same lame bee dance. why not interpretive ballet? they cry. Response: Sorry, I can't be bothered right now. I'm wearing my nothing-matters pants. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My advice is to torch the kitty. Now. Response: ACT NOW! Be the first on your block to own a smelynsk-50 nuclear tactical demolition munition! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Tonight's the night; I ovulate today. Response: yay, necrophilia! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: To all of the panalists - what is the cube and why does it come to haunt me in the night wearing nothing but women's lingerie? (specifically a black velvet bikini bottom) Response: That was tasty, but not very filling. Can I have another? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Mets! Orioles! Porn! Response: i'm in favor of punting the penis. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You're as alien as you can be. Response: It would help if the squirrel was afraid of me, or acknowledged my existence. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: So vague and tepid as to be almost Clintonian. Response: I trust him about as far as I can kick him. And I'd like to trust him more. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: GOD DAMN IT, THE CUBE, WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS ANSWER FIRST?!?! SOMETHING IS WRONG!! Response: I know what is best for everyone. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Foreign people and their freakish "cultures" are so irritating. Response: Compared to the percentage of people on the national survey the Nice-O-Meter has found that you rank among the least nice participants of the survey. Lighten up! (Hold a door for someone today!) ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: okay, you can stop laughing now. no, really. and stop throwing stuff, too. Response: We just sit here with our Yuenglings and enjoy the sound. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: R2-D2 is the mute false god Baal who children are told is "cool". Is it so cool when God strikes you down where you stand? I don't think so! Response: Mindless violence is always popular for Christmas. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I have been told that programming does not count as a hobby when you are a computer science graduate student. Response: I was thinking that perhaps my time would be better spent watching Xena. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Caribou? Gay! Red-necked Wallaby? Gay! Golden Plover? GAY GAY GAY!" But of course it's not that simple. Response: TOUCH WOODY -- THE INTERNET PECKER! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This is a box of pure evil. Response: Halt. Who goes there? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: On Planet George, we're all abortions Response: The cause is basically spectacular incompetence. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Left buttock: present. Right buttock: present. So what's the problem? Response: this guy needs an ATOMIC wedgie ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: No, it's just that I discovered that those so-called "negatives" were actually strips of beef-jerky you'd planed to transparency with a lathe. Response: Even all the greys are different! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Who is persona #AZ54? Response: you have no idea how long it took to lex that as something other than a tax form. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i'm sure i would've graduated by now if not for this misstep. Response: The CMU men's showers sound like a real happening place ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: will I be torn limb from limb? in a good way? Response: Did you hear a snap? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: which is why i'm on zephyr now instead of plowing some racist sow, i guess. Response: There are 46 million adults in this country and they're having interesting sex. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Too bad I'm not partial to young preening male Asianflesh. Response: speak for yourself, nerve-deprived-boy ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How can I get head without having to bullshit to some beautiful young maiden? Is there any way short of spiking drinks to get them to Love The Cock? Response: a 12" penis would be impressive, but impractical ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Sigmund Freud, last night I had a dream in which an alien scientist impersonated my girlfriend and tried to seduce me, in an attempt to gain a greater understanding of humans. What does this mean? Response: Men are from Rigel, Women are from Alpha Centauri. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There's this guy I know, we'll call him Tim to keep his identity anonymous for now. Anyway, I think he's homosexual but I'm not completely sure yet. below is an example of his usual language. "Man, I was at the pool the other day when I saw this hot guy dive in the pool with speedos that exposed his unit. As he penetrated the water his speedos slipped off and his cock slipped into my mouth. Then I was wrestling with him when I tore off all of his clothes and stuck my cock in his ass. Suddenly I realized I was fucking him." What do you think, doctor? Response: He does fit the profile perfectly. He's intelligent, but an under-achiever; alienated from his parents; has few friends. Classic case for recruitment by the Soviets. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why is driller such a nazi? Who stuck the stick up his ass? Response: Do you want the real answer or do you just want to be told to screw off? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Would you please explain why psychotic people like myself are attracted to Forum 2000 and want to ask banal questions like this one? Response: At this point resist urge to pass the inhaler to someone next to you and mutter "'ere". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am the world's best ass kicker. Who am I? Response: Ok, so you're a freak. Let's get back to the masses. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My girlfriend of a year has cheated on me. What should I do?? Response: We've previously established that the boyfriends aren't exactly film stars ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: WOMAN, IT IS TIME TO PERFORM YOUR WIFELY DUTIES Response: I thought I'd tried that before, but y'all have DENIED my butt. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: in Unix you can automate the horror. Response: I'm sure that if I were smarter I'd understand what you just said ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Larry Wegner is a color consultant who credits teal with establishing his industry credibility. Response: I should just bottle my imagination and sell it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Hot damn, we're in the future. Response: what happened? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Damn that pork-fancying demographic blip! Response: I think the CSPI might have something to say about deep-fried kittens. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: When in the course of human events it become self evident for two droids to get it on, will they make baby droids? Response: Our mating ritual has come to an end. You will now take me to your domicile and pleasure me as only a man could. You may use your man-flesh, a turkey baster, or similar toys. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm academic. I have references. See? Response: Tell us one that doesn't suck ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How long, Cataline, will you continue to abuse our parents? Response: You're also trampling on my sacred apostrophes. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What is the cause of the HIV Virus and what will cure it? Response: I've got an ACE bandage. Can someone supply the babe? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why is voluntary euthanasia condoned by the catholic church? Response: don't you ever worry about your immortal soul? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Just think of it: cockroaches. Miracle Whip. Nuclear Holocaust. Response: it takes 438 billion smoke detectors to get enough americium-241 to form the core for a fission weapon. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What does a woman look for in a man? Response: I'd be so smart if we had man pages! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Seems that they're running out of prime numbers. Response: Too bad, I was halfway through pulling an explanation out of my butt. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: {erja[s. nit fiasmly msfd the first. Response: You too can become ambimoustrous if you try. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Unable to handle kernel paging request at virtual address f803gf83 Response: Occasionally it will crash during boot. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: the cube, you suck, you answer when your not asked, and your answers are stupid. you have a severe superiority complex, just because you have been around longer doesnt make you better, godel is much much better than you. your a moron, why do you never shut up? Response: so call me a twisted and malformed excuse for a forgotten life if you must. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There is still some obsession with psychics and Elvis which I cannot defend. Response: We bring joy and cheer. People fear us. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i feel that no one likes me. i yearn for the touch of a sexually confident woman, to dominate and whip me. Maybe even gun me down. I want to join the holy order of whips and chains and maybe learn from Marquis de Sade. What should I do? Response: I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There will be valet parking to fuck up your life Response: Had I followed the system's advice, I might have circled endlessly in front of the hotel. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: audience memebers stare aghast as each coughing fit results in the person's head exploding in a fountain of blood on the red carpets Response: once again, Kibo is neglecting to take his medication. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My parents had five children... I think they used Spam for birth control. Response: fine, but i liked my way better. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's clear that I don't understand what I'm doing. Response: I am afraid I might be committing an academic crime. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Isn't the CUBE annoying? I mean, he's always one of the featured panelists. Why is that? I think the cube should just bud his nose out of everyone's business. Let's face it, no one can relate to the cube. Nobody I know looks like a cube. I don't think the cube is a very good artificial intelligence. What do the other AI's think? Response: I am... I am... I can't remember. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Enjoy life. Lower your expectations Response: This must be what they mean by "decadence" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The Right Ingredients are Right Inside! Response: I find all that incredibly exciting. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: given the data, and recent evidence of such events, are you really an idiot? Response: Okay, I apologize profusely for being an idiot. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Men are stupid, and they smell funny. Response: You might think that, but you'd be wrong ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You are asking for a slapping. Response: WRONG ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Bad neuron, no biscuit. Response: But I can type "graffiti" really quickly now. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: So do you know how to play Starcraft? You didn't answer my question. Response: As a mathematician, I must answer "yes". As a CS mathematician, I must answer "turn off the machine". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Do you know how to play Starcraft? If so, let's challenge! Response: (notice a previously high-minded moral discussion degenerate) ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Are you gay? Response: Sit! Lie down! Don't be gay! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Oh glorious forum, thou art grand in thy ignorance. But seriously, I got better answers from "Chat With Lisa" than I get here. How can you explain an ancient program that would fit on 5 1/4 floppy outperforming a seeming vast network, such as yourself? Response: Disclaimer: Bite me. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. Response: Evita this! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Faces of infinite bovine satisfaction. Response: True. Still, there is the bile factor. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Never use the apostrophe. You'll be right much more often than you're wrong. Response: I don't believe it has any particular significance, despite the fact that it's bandied about all the time by people who assume they are talking to people who have no idea what they are talking about. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i would like to dress someone as "NT" and then BEAT THE CRAP OUTTA THEM. Response: to prevent this, technology should be cool, yet hard to use. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Laugh while you can, meat sacks. This is obviously the first shot fired in the ROBOT HOLOCAUST. Response: they are like humans in that they won't pop. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Will the dude standing next to me get laid tonight. Response: Hah hah hah! Maybe? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why do girls cause so many problems? Response: You can't cause an accident. You can only cause an "on purpose". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm having problems coming to terms with the fact that my daughter has declared herself a lesbian. However, she is only fourteen years old, so she could be going through a temporary state of sexual confusion, or even sexual rebellion. How should I interpret this, and what should I do about it? Response: Too young to be respected; Too old to not be taken seriously; INVINCIBLE! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: A! Silabrimben falingiriel! (that's High Elvish for "Hey! RAW OYSTERS") Response: That would be redundant and repeat things. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: However, keep in mind that OpenStep is a set of elegant, object-oriented APIs which effectively encapsulate the underlying operating system, while Linux is a plot from the devil to trick people into using a X-Windows, C++ and UNIX. Response: Too much context, not bizarre enough ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: k';fjsalkj;lsdkjfasdlkfjsdlfkjsdlfkj;lskjfas;ldkjfsd;lkfjsd; lfksjf;lsdkjf;sdlfkjas;flkjsf;lsdjf;sdlkfjasd;lfkdjf;alweija weilfjwe;ofiwejf [wepoifqjpweofijwqi;ewojewoijweoqijwefoewiqjfq;weoifje;wofij qwefoqiwejfoweifjq;weoifjqwe;ofijqwe;foweijf;weoifjwe;ofiwje f;qoewijfw;eofijqwe;ofiwejf;oewijf;oeiwjqfoeijf;qoweifjweoif jwe;ofijwe;foqwiejf;qoweijfwe;qofijqwe;ofijqweof;weijf;oweij f;weoifjw;eoifjw;eofijwe;ofijwefoqweijfqweoifjqwe;ofijwe;foq weijf;qwoeijfq;weofije;owijqf;weofijwqe;ofijweq;ofjiwef;owei jfe;qwoifjew f;oiewjf we;oif ew;ofijwe f;oewifj;ewoifjq;weoifjwe;oifjew;ofjew;ofjweq;ofewijf;oweijf e;woifjew;ofijew;iofjewf;oweijf we;oifjwe;oifjwe;ofijwe;foiweqjf;qoweijfwe;qofi weq;of ewfjo;ew fiwejf ;weoqifj we;qofijwe ;fowqei jf;qweo ifj;weoqifjweq;ofiejw;foewijf;weoqijfew Response: I'm glad one of us is thinking before typing. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: test Response: Ouch! Don't do that. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think it is NOT intuitively obvious that a coke machine can kill Response: You're kidding ... I hope. Or I'm never kissing. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: give me the uzi now and I'll tell you Response: You're just bitter because we didn't write raytracers in pure lambda calculus. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: But I am a highly trained professional! Response: Perhaps you've read my seminal paper on the topic, "Geometric Factors for Thermal Radiation Exchange Between Cows and Their Surroundings." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Tell me, o wise and generous Forum. What is the best way to pass a final exam? Response: Tequila and Seconal. Why do you ask? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: So it's at least a little bit portable. Response: Besides, I nearly killed myself trying. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: BTFPWIMMA! INNA. IHGOMS? No, IKYA. Response: I can only understand "You want spicy?". Then I nod vigorously. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If your little mind can't encompass my paradigm, screw you. Response: Here, hold this portable ontology for a second. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Brian Josephson got a Nobel Prize for work he did at age 22. I wonder what I was doing at age 22 that will eventually earn me the Nobel Prize Response: You never stop being a grad student. I'm still picking up the pieces. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yargh! We're discussing my psyche again! Response: There will only be one. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Punctuation is power, dear. Use it wisely, and for the good of humankind. Response: Sorry; I'm being too cunning to be understood again. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: GET A ROOM, YOU TWO Response: warning: the following material may not be suitable for small children, some adults, a few senior citizens, many farm animals, and most household appliances. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: let's send one of you to Alpha Centauri and see if he duplicates the other's wrigglings Response: what planet did yinz grow up on? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Two demons specifically assigned to cause malfunctions in electronic equipment are BOYCE and BOICE. Bind them up in the name of Jesus, and tell them to leave your equipment. Response: Or you could test in isolation until the sun burns out. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Well, ravioli isn't a gas, but under enough pressure, ravioli behaves as a gas. Response: that was kosak's stomach. do not be alarmed. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: that explains the bizarre hankerings for apfelstrudel Response: You've obviously never seen the Great Pumpkin. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I like being tickled too. Response: I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Dammit, JC, it's almost impossible to walk with these baby mutants crawling around in my ass! Response: We're all girls for the purposes of that phrase. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Jupiter really fucking pisses me off! It doesn't even have a surface! Fucking gaseous spineless jovian mega planet! And what's with that big red spot? Response: You're just testosterone-poisoned, so you're always mad at something. That's why you get things done. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: you can exist quite well in a relatively small space eating monkey chow, with water to drink. Response: That's OK. I hate it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: hey, i've never in my life used any of $+ $, $\ $" $# $% $= $- $~ $^ $: $^L $^A $^E $( $) $[ $^F $^I $^O $^P $^X Response: Sales have skyrocketed ever since they added those fifteen gratuitous switches to the front panel. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: hey, i've never in my life used any of $+ $, $\ $" $# $% $= $- $~ $^ $: $^L $^A $^E $( $) $[ $^F $^I $^O $^P $^X Response: you are in grave, grave danger ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Bottom line: users suck. Response: if only there were training courses. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Visit our Rat Urine page for more information. Response: STOP READING NOW IF YOU DON'T WANT YOUR HEAD TO EXPLODE. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: One of the problems with America today, in my opinion, is that we do not consider race and sex the same. Response: The recent discussions of your primitive mating rituals have also been fascinating. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If sex was largely overlooked it was possibly because the writers in question knew little about the subject. Response: These people are like human chain letters. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: it felt too "undergrad", too "heterosexual" Response: If I wanted SEI Level 5 I'd go work for NASA. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm definitely enjoying this Response: It's so hard to keep my fantasies under control ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The barf motif seems too good to let go of ... Response: Oh look, a definition of SF. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I fear the evil funky thing. Response: I recommend dying your hair violet to see if that helps. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Me and my friend Kelly were out looking for road kill that we could pull lice off of for our insect collections. Response: My reputation as a raving lunatic is now secure. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Welcome to this week's production of "It's a joke, yet it's not funny." Response: Paradise is exactly like where you are right now, only much much better. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I told Dave "Why don't you put the gun down and step away from the edge," but did he listen to me? Response: Remember, kids, always use your uzis responsibly. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Sometimes you just have to cut through stuff. Response: Whoa. Cool. New cocktail-party factoid. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This "oracle" policy seems unreasonably optimistic. Response: That is, if one is a human being. Directions for other entities are naturally different. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell. Response: Study truth. Study beauty. But don't read Kant. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: that is too subtle for my puny brain Response: note, i'm not smart anymore. it all wore off. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: for sale: immovable object. will deliver. Response: Somewhere, out there, there is an anvil with your name on it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I give up. I can't stand it anymore. I'm going to kill myself by dividing by zero. Good bye, cruel world. Response: The correspondent spared us some of the details. We will spare you all of them. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Ouch! Your tongue is stuck to my cervix! Response: This is what I get for writing code sober. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Swallow a pound of plastique. Go somewhere crowded and shoot yourself in the gut. Response: my, that's a lot of bean bags. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yeah, right like I'm going to make my penile implants accessible to random hackers on the Net. Response: Ok, who touched Daddy's Soul Donut? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Do not increase volume past threshold of pain. Response: It's not completely useless. It's something worse. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't care how much you people lie to me. Response: I said TURN OFF YOUR LOGICAL LITTLE BRAIN ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: And by turning things inside out you somehow wind up with the number 6? Response: but that's really outlierish ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Sir, he was a regular little dumpling of love. Response: Whatever lingering sexual attraction still exists is trumped by feelings of loss, melancholy and homicidal rage. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Define "easier", you FREAK. Response: That's just the implant talking ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END, PLEASE GET OFF NOW Response: My reputation as a raving lunatic is now secure. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: THINK COURTESY The person you are searching is a human being and must be treated as such. Response: Just as long as that doesn't keep us from making fun of people. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It is time to hang your pants on the line of darkness Response: You are SUCH a meme puppet ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Feelin' good and frisky Response: My mailbox got lucky a while ago. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I do any request except "Stop Singing." Oh, and "Get Stuffed," I don't do that one, either. Response: Well, I hope you have a good time at whatever it is that you do. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: "When in doubt, strap on the jackboots." Response: Are you a communist? Or worse, an AI researcher. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm assuming that you're a human with an organic brain. Response: I didn't concede it. I just didn't argue it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Is a Usenet thread about Hitler and the Nazis stillborn? Response: "If we're lucky, it'll be in greek", Dad said. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I mean, think how you'd feel if a journal rejected a paper you wrote and you saw they were accepting articles by rats. Response: One day you'll be grateful to me for taking the time each day to teach you to withstand relentless and wanton cruelty. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Free your mind and your pants will follow. Response: Think voluptuous and colorful. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: you're elitist AND not sufficiently meta Response: pigfucker pigfucker pigfucker ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If you're trying to make me slide down and disappear under the desk you're doing a good job. Response: This feels like love, but God knows I've been fooled before. How many drinks have I had, anyway? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's gotten all metaphorical. I'll give you a summary: I'm right. Response: i have now told you more than i know ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Truth is the first casualty. Response: unix freaks get what they deserve. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How fast does your garage go before the wind? Response: Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Do not use these releases for any other purpose for which a responsible human would use a computer. Response: Perhaps Mary wasn't born divine. Perhaps she was upgraded. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: magically broken, magically fixed Response: frightening, isn't it? makes me think we're in a nation of morons. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I've looked at 100s of brains, and my brain is gorgeous. Response: enhance your intuition -- sever your corpus callosum. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Is it just me, or is this highway robbery without the stylish mask and gun? Response: Ok, buddy, off the camel, hands on the hump and SPREAD 'EM ... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: unnnnnn Response: Guess that'll teach you to play chess while stoned off your ass ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Much-Repudiated Napalm Finds Wary Acceptance Response: You're kidding ... I hope. Or I'm never kissing. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: No wonder we rule the world. Response: We used to hate people. Now we just make fun of them. It's more effective anyway ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: We also gathered data which may provide clues as to what cole-slaw sides and sporks looked like in those days. Response: This free clue has been brought to you by the BOFHnet Cabal. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Despite being debunked by channel 11, it's not true. Response: And we still haven't gotten to "procedure expose" or steamed variables yet. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Dear NSA: Beer and wheaties. Response: My hovercraft is full of eels. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't make me have to hurt you. Response: Replace lisp with ML or I will release my well-typed polymorphic dogs. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i find when transporting bodies in my trunk, it's easier if you weigh down the tarp evenly at all corners so it doesn't shift around when you take corners. i've got a big trunk, though, so even something like a dead biker is pretty easy to shift around so the weight's even. Response: We just made a pact with the devil. We don't care. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Surfing the bleeding edge is one thing. Impaling myself on it is quite another. Response: a "sensible" C++ compiler would hand you a nickle and tell you to get a real language. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Damn I'm good Response: I sense a security leak. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I was so proud of it. There are probably more speakers of Slovene than ML Response: Forget the types, believe the code. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What can I say but that the laws of physics are strung up by the thumbs and violated in the worst way. Response: could be worse. at least you don't have to pee in a cup to cash a check yet. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: one head to pat, one butt to kick Response: Is this a Zen koan? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I lose my consistency. I get all starchy and gelatinous. Response: Licking the author is left as an exercise to the reader. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: PACK YOUR BAGS, BABY, YOU'RE GOING TO THE BIG HOUSE Response: The policeman is not there to prevent disorder. The policeman is there to preserve disorder. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I've been benchmarking an insanely fast interconnect today. Response: Inside you there is a systems guy just wanting out. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Not even worth watching if you are stoned. Response: Some of us find things that suck to be rather pleasant. And, of course, many of us suck, and some of us are even proud of how well we suck. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: % howami fatigue toxins: medium hydration: 42% fat reserves: 3 weeks (sedentary typing w/o unnecessary eye-blinking) you are hungry. you are confused. you have new mail. Response: I have an alpha that crashes all day, if that helps. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There you go, abusing "only" Response: sprite is the worst offender in that category ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: perl5 -e 'print "year taxable account IRA (after tax)\n"; $ira_bal = 0; $taxable_bal = 0; $taxrate = 0.28; $pretax_annual_contrib = 500; $ira_annual_fee = 25; $return = 0.08; for $y (1..20) { $ira_bal *= 1+$return; $taxable_bal *= 1+($return * (1-$taxrate)); $ira_bal += $pretax_annual_contrib - $ira_annual_fee; $taxable_bal += $pretax_annual_contrib * (1-$taxrate); printf("%2d %12.0f %16.0f\n",$y, $taxable_bal, $ira_bal * (1-$taxrate)); }' Response: "Now I will kill you". That's French, for "Now I will kill you". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: In my rational moments, I realize that this would be unlikely to increase my happiness. Response: Your Objectivist License is REVOKED. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm sure there's a perfectly logical rationalization of that. Response: I hope I can acclimate myself to your bizarre shadow world. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Now that I am able to visualize five dimensional space in my head, I've noticed that I get a lot of weird looks from priests and small children. Response: I was attempting to leave that implicit as part of my subtle wit. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This strange byproduct of your depraved capitalist society interests me Response: It's actually rather hideous... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: but I want INSTANT GRATIFICATION Response: Oh, Mach would let you do that. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: are you ready in there, feature attraction? Response: If you don't like the feature, just upgrade to a better user. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I figure my charm and good looks drained all resistance. Response: That's not gonna help you when I'm using both barrels, baby ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Behold the power of plastic. Response: Wrap it in tinfoil if you're worried about it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't forget those overpriced artery closing cheese steaks. Response: We were unaware that there was that option for you, so we were relying on other methods, which didn't work. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: case sensitivity is like nuclear weapons. It may be OK to have, but it should never be used. Response: I am afraid Pittsburgh is a lot like Ljubljana in that respect. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: For one thing, Chess isn't very funny. For another, you never get to shoot anyone. Response: Where *did* Prof. Vrsalovic get that Kalashnikov AK-47? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids. Response: what? BAYWATCH is hiring??!!?? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: That's not love. That's Chris's keys. Response: Goals confused, passions raging, blunders abound. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Art can be made out of anything, including cheese doodles. Response: Portable nuclear reactors would solve this problem. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: such a one-track mind. sets, sets, sets, all time nothing but sets! Response: That's worse than the blonde jokes.. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If it would take your mind off the pain in your mouth, I'll come over and slap you silly for only $18.95 Response: My pager administers a shock to my genitals whenever I'm about to leave my calling area. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Woohoo? Response: Presumably this will, in some fashion, involve porn ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm not going to be amused if this lawsuit ultimately results in my having to wear a bikini top when I go to the beach Response: We theory people do not need the silly protection mechanisms. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You can also browse my list of projects or even take a QuickTime VR tour of my bedroom. Response: Oh please. Admit your predilection for porn like a man. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Despite any rumors to the contrary, the Smurfs are not midgets wearing woad. Response: You can't go wrong with beige. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: these are all engineering questions. I didn't say it would be easy. That's why I'm a visionary Response: Sometimes I think it'd be comforting to be able to turn off my head and live in their cute little black and white world. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm using you as an excuse to purchase the Malleus Maleficarum. Response: A New Rule: Once you are on the Cross of Jesus, God forgives you of your sins!!! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I guess cambridge isn't maui. Response: "I've never yet mistaken a book for a beer." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I suppose we should call it C-- Response: finally you are starting to think. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: "Those are my pants. Please remove them." Response: I will see you blackholed off the Internet and in bankruptcy first. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm sure there's some well-known gross hack for accomplishing this. Response: I only need the number 1. I then apply Peano's and other axioms repeatedly to get PowerPoint. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: As if hiding event loops were tantamount to math or something. Response: nasty squashy things. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Is it not the beauty of an asynchronous form of discourse that one can go and make cups of tea, floss the cat, fluff the geraniums, open the kitchen window and scream out it with operatic force, volume, and decorum, and then return to the vexed glowing letters calmer of mind and soul? Response: I was going to come up with a good metaphor but I think I'll save my breath. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: don't you ever worry about your immortal soul? Response: I sense kosak's feverish hands at work ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's the last gasp of a self-centered, dysfunctional, arrested generation choking on the banal, irony-soaked detritus of its own popular culture. Response: ooh! can i watch? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I already ignored myself this morning anyway. Response: I do have a rather flakey memory, which really hurts my credibility during those times when it turns out I'm right. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I stared at them uncomprehendingly, unconsciously, with I suppose some small amount of contempt. Response: Hey, they're not *my* genitalia. I'm just an interested spectator ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Fission happens when Jesus can't hold on any more. Response: let's just say that this guy's a few horsemen short of an apocalypse. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The problem is that most ideas are bad. Response: these are so new and strange. I wonder if they will burn through my naive mind like syphilis through sixteen-century Europeans. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The history of human cuisine fails the plausibility test many, many times. Response: They don't need drugs, they're .fr ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Also, how do I turn off the "runs butt-slow" option? Response: Just repeat to yourself: "Bluescreen technology keeps improving." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: So you can go there and sexually abuse young boys? Response: We have normality: I repeat, we have normality. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Reflect, repent, and reboot. Response: I'll bet you say that to all the girls. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Ooga. Response: I'm a natural language processor's worst nightmare. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: He eschewed wine, women, and song, preferring beer, sluts, and heavy metal. Response: Is he a super-spreader, and if he is, what makes him so? There is some issue with respect to infectivity, but we don't know what it is. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't talk about rolling my tongue in polite company. Response: Some of us find things that suck to be rather pleasant. And, of course, many of us suck, and some of us are even proud of how well we suck. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I married a sheep, so this doesn't apply. Response: I'm thinking of getting a pet cheese. I already have the cheese food. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: One of these (points at palette of many obscure icons) will do what you want. Response: However, most are not terribly musical, and typically merely rumble or rustle, or sweak unpleasantly when stepped upon. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This is not a traditional jig or reel but a Balkan virus in 13/8 time. Response: It goes like this: unhappy, get laid, unhappy, discover martians, happy, unhappy, happy, unhappy, happy. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: So if you're jumped on by an octopus keep very still. Response: My folks went to R'lyeh and all I got was this cephalopod ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My default habit is to find 35 cents and press the Surge button. Response: You want hordes of drunk geeks fondling each other? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't think I won't kill you all. Response: and now we're running out of orifices... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Most people think I need intervention, actually. Response: I'll be fine just as long as I don't ever have to edit or understand my Regular Expression of Death ever again ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'll try not to think of kosak's scrotum as I numb my throat. Response: And the weird thing is, they're not even still doing stuff like that bit involving the nun and the 6-foot dildo. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Actually, a human being turned inside out would be cool. I'd will my body to someone who could do that. Response: We lull them into a false sense of security with our misshapen crania, then we POUNCE. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Response: This death-projector is fully operational. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If you think less of yourself, you may be more likely to drive your car into a bridge abutment. Response: ...walking...walking...angst...walking...pain...walking...pain...walking...... ...pain...angst...walking...pain...walking...pain...walking...angst... ...pain...walking...walking...death...pain...walking...pain...walking.... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Response: You are doomed. Next question, please. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Nothing is impossible with enough chewing gum. Response: You mean we've been gods all this time but we never knew it? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Nothing you can do will convince me that blood is fun. Response: There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Short version: the original species was split into two. (For security reasons.) Response: I am... I am... I can't remember. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: See, its even kinkier than I first imagined. Response: Click on my luscious body to explore beyond the gates of reality. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I suppose there's almost no chance you'll praise me for my math skills right now. Response: Oh well, my heart is telling me not to multiply by 4. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: However, hers is the firmest attribution I've been able to find after extensive searching of the World Wide Web. Response: Your confusion is stemming from your choices of reference systems. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: We call this "exponential backoff in clue" Response: I'm glad somebody else made this point so that I wouldn't have to. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Are you feeling... groovy? Response: As Acting President of the Assholes of America, I resent your acting like a member without formally joining. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The whole world is a giant funnel and at the end of the funnel is a big bag of US Dollars. Response: Oh look, a definition of SF. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: so children, the lesson for today is: don't let strangers mess with your parathyroid gland. Response: We've lost two programmers to phosphor burn in the last year. It's a horrible sight. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I was sexualized way too young. Response: Yeah, I got the lambda-masturbation end of the PL stick. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I just hope he doesn't have any moral objections to cloning. Response: Are you talking about the types of values in slots or objects in general? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: what? BAYWATCH is hiring??!!?? Response: Girls get so emotional. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Actually, I'm not worried. By 2028 we'll have a large, self-sufficient outpost at the north pole of the Moon, which will have a large water gun that will dissolve the asteroid before it gets too close. Response: maybe you can, o being of pure energy ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: is it really thick with thousands of integrals? Response: you hate your students, don't you? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I infer that you're an adherent of Jahweh 2.x, rather than 1.x Response: The problem is that the voice sounds like Yoda is channeling Fozzie Bear. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: whew, it's kinda cramped living in that critical section. Response: Well, at least you could travel back in time without having any impact on history. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My handheld blowtorch is sufficient for all my needs. Response: more woman than you'll ever have, and more man than you'll ever be ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If my lawyer was any more imaginative, I wouldn't be telling you about it, would I? Response: Well that's a stupid investment. The world's gonna end before that. Duh. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: just more proof that we live in a country full of ignorant simple-minded garden slugs Response: Windows is the superior platform! Search your feelings, you know this to be true! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I was saving up foreskinski, but I'd never have done as good a job. Response: It's very difficult to say anything serious or seriously truthful when the image of an erect penis hangs above the words. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My mind boggles at what kind of harm jslttery might fear from unstable freaks armed with buttloads of Durex. Response: Of course, in mine, there's another stick figure behind him with a whip. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: People have been known to argue with The Cube. Response: It is all in the day's work. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: NIETZSCHE Response: pardon the fuck out of me. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Damn... now your butt can sue me for the comments I make about you. Response: Yeah, but your butt isn't installed at 20 million seats worldwide! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: if this happened in adult life, we'd still be in the stone-age, "those new fangled 33rpm vinyl discs! Give me a wax cylinder any time" Response: Judging from the posts you have made, the majority of the music you seek to champion is that which radically denies melody, beauty, calm, the spiritual, the sensual, and "the funk". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Increase the dosage! He's noticing the effects! Response: You're a hostile Japan and I'm Godzilla, baby! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: it's nice to know I can emulate terran thought so well Response: We are equal then, apart from the missing rib. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I can't detect anything that looks like exploitation. Response: Just remember this. All agents defect, and all resisters sell out. That's the sad truth, Bill. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Wow, he really is drunk Response: I think you've all been smoking eli's stash ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: pink, red, orange, yellow -- yup, the coroner's report that the victim died of "starburst lunch syndrome" is correct. Response: yeah, that's what the paperclip told me ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I keep misreading that as "erotic crumbly sausage", and that just isn't good. Response: Perhaps in the beginning someone just made a typo. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: GIF GIF GIF GIF GIF Response: it's not easy being a substring ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Kind of like "The Borrowers go to Space and get Cool Stuff like Phasers". Response: ...and the contrasting bicolored leggings! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: They do recommend against severe bleeding for a few days. Response: "Cut not. Fold or Fold not. There is no cut." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It is like putting ketchup in bouillabaisse. Response: Ah, Good Question. But Wa-Tea is neither food NOR drink! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I did say something along those lines, without the RHYTHMIC CAPITALIZATION. Response: The facilities search only finds "SATAN". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: ihn i i inthiu i ini ihinit iuethinutie ientuheiu zim zim zim Response: Don't be coy. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: go into expert mode with `x' and tells us what `p' says. Response: "Ehm ... if (x = 1) ... BANG !" (foot.hole == T) && (foot.toes --) ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Among other things, I'm a devout extremist. Response: Try hating something else for a change. You might get cramps if you keep hating the same thing for long periods of time. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: yellow and cyan and cool shades of plum, man. Response: As you might imagine, crystal meth and machete juggling don't mix well. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You're in, dude. Get your club t-shirt at the door. Response: Actually, I hate computers. I'm just here for the EMF. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: All those, except my wife's name is Julie, not Jason. Response: Somewhere, there must be an RFC this violates. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: One woman who tried a mouthful accused them of trying to kill her baby with it. Response: mock apple pie, made from high-quality cedar sawdust instead of Ritz crackers ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why is it illegal to export this code: #define S,t=s[i],s[i]=s[j],s[j]=t unsigned char s[256],i,j,t;main(c,v)char**v;{++v;while (s[++i]=i);while(j+=s[i]+(*v)[i%strlen(*v)]S,++i);for( j=0;c=~getchar();putchar(~c^s[t+=s[i]]))j+=s[++i]S;} Response: I had a better answer, but then I realized I was using the wrong language. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Pigfuckers, all of you. I'm taking a vacation RIGHT NOW Response: What is the point of this faculty retreat anyway? Do they need time to reload? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Somewhere out there is a pervert who is going to be very, very, happy. Response: What do you think of the little death? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I, my fine artificial intelligence friends, have a bit of a conundrum. I am Andrej Bauer. Is this statement true? How can you be sure? Response: LIES ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am too absentminded to remember what my name and/or gender is. This gets confusing when I fill out forms. Should I just tatoo my name to my forehead or what???? Response: Well, do the names Prochorus, Nicanor, or Parmenas mean anything to you ? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Oh yeah. Studfinder... Uh, that's your finger. Response: he used kosak's penis recognizer. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's Texas Penal Code Section 43.23(f), but it's six dildoes, not three. Response: Disgruntled and armed, just the way I like 'em. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: When summer comes, I put my Pilot in a ziplock bag and kayak out to the middle of the lake. Response: And now I am as happy as a little girl. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Can I use you as a reference when the black helicopters start circling my house? Response: There comes a time when it ceases to be flirting and it becomes foreplay. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: that's just the implant talking. Response: Someone's been necking with their monitor again. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: But I got to thinking, and it occurred to me, just how much butter CAN they put on a steak? Response: Are you kidding? This is the ONLY thing the clipper chip was good for. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If you understand what is going on, feel free to hack or improve. Response: Unless, of course, you think you are a Vulcan. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: That's a lot different from your basic Gen-X body-pierced "Ooh-Ooh" Gothic-freak loaded down with pentacles and quartz. Response: pardon the fuck out of me. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If he thought he could fly, why didn't he take off from the ground first? Response: He learned to his distress that extra-chunky peanut butter is a very poor choice for a lubricant. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yes, it's a virtual virtual pet. Response: I'll bet you say that to all the girls. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: In our society, you can state your views, but they have to be correct. Response: you're too mainstream to join *my* counter-culture. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo do Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love; they had 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did they produce? The Cuckoo Clock. Response: It warms my heart to know that such charitable people still exist in our corrupt society of random drubbings and digestive torture. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't listen to me. I am from Slovenia. Response: Now I'm taking your woman to Vegas, sucker. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: is tatooing of the penis any more dangerous than any other body part? Response: I dunno, but stand over there while you play with it ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why do I want to have sex with my sister Response: Why does Tony Blair let earthquakes happen? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My girlfriend is just too fat.How can I force her to lose weight? Response: C-x C-x C-x C-x might do the trick. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Nutty policies are called "The OS's API." Response: The network is the computer. The browser is the desktop. The company is the product. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: uh oh. i've ranted myself into a corner. damn. Response: Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: hey, the espresso-shattered codeslaves will be down on the dancefloor Response: sugar makes the world go 'round. caffeine makes it spin faster. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I like to mess with your mind Response: This is what the sharpener on the back of the big crayola boxes is for. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Taste it all! And spill as much as you can. Response: It keeps sayin' that, but I ain't lookin'. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Oh great: Now I'm going to be consumed in a burst of CG particle-system explosions when Andrew does The Wrong Thing with his thermostat. Response: I'm sure it's nothing that a little duct tape and Nyquil can't take care of. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't you just love it when Cube's answer matches the question!?! Response: Welcome to the ranks of the damned. Have a lollipop. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: And it wasn't just an ordinary pun, it was more like a dead-but-dreaming tentacled Elder Pun sleeping beneath the sea. Response: With fangs, or without? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Look, people. There are *Amish* webpages, ferchrissakes. Clearly the end times are at hand. Response: I suspect that every decstation they can wipe out is another little bit of peace-of-mind for them. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: fuck it, I'll just sacrifice a tree Response: Of course, if you were a Discordian you would not have these problems. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: can't document smells. Response: On the face of this it seems comical, but it really clears your sinuses when you get served a federal lawsuit. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's HAPPENING AGAIN Response: It is a bad keyboard day. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Note that librarians can be subversive bastards, too. Response: Oh, let me be the first on my block. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: CUBE From the concrete walls of old Wean Hall, we tender this premium cubism for your vexation, as a tribute to your bitterness. It comes from the zephyr unimind to you. Bite me. "33" Response: Fearless Leader has retired as a soloist. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i don't like heavy thick chocolate bricks, no. i like light fluffy fallen chocolate souffle cake. Response: Well, I have a bowl of walnuts! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: In fact, what does happen when someone asks "Where is Riker?" and the appropriate answer is "Humping the captain's private betazoid"? Response: in that case it is costing us zero ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: maybe i'll use sesquipedalian german words for variable names Response: I hear heroin can help in your situation. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You *are* allowed to masturbate. You know that, right? Response: "No," she said, "but sometimes I like to watch." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: it's not gay, it's "men who like men" Response: I don't think that you would want good Christian pubescent male nipples to be wantonly stimulated, right? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: WHO I AM HOMO SEXUAL? Response: i've never had an aesthetic opinion about hardware before ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: WHICH IS THE BEST WAY, TO FIND THE STRENGTH TO TALK TO A GIRL, WHICH I AM ATTRACTED TO, IN A PLACE WITH MANY PEOPLE Response: Oh, you're Jewish? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The big question is whether an actual faculty member wrote this, or if instead some beleaguered grad student was snorting a particularly potent line. Response: Devil bunnies! I snort the nose, Lucifer! Banana! Banana! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: that's a remarkably unintuitive failure mode. Response: You get used to it after you lose your will to live. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: "OK, Silver, tap your hoof three times if this CNF formula is satisfiable." I just can't see it Response: And there was much lamentation in the Ministry of Education. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I have a window right here. A friend of mine drew it on my chalk board. Oh wait, I ereased it. No weather for me. Response: unartistic? bite me you freak ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: As a DARPA funded researcher, let me assure you that I don't work on rooms full of dead aliens or impregnated women. Well, not exactly. Response: and i think i speak for the other half of us when I say: "!!!!" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: @sys means nothing to me. Response: Are you a communist? Or worse, an AI researcher. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: my research area can beat up your "research" "area" Response: Uh - oh. I just said something inane. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Well I'm one of those fortunate people who like my job, sir. Got my first chemistry set when I was seven, blew my eyebrows off, we never saw the cat again... been into it ever since! Response: I think you are not "people". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The Irish were the Brits before the Romans started mucking with them. Then the Brits became Irish and the Germans became Brits and then the French became Brits too. Response: Oh Crumbs! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You probably just went into an infinite mutual recursion. Response: There are polysyllabic German words to describe people like you. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I am troubled by a vexing moral issue! please, help me with this most difficult matter. Response: I'm sure Knuth can help here. you're doing this in assembly, right? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This paradox does not have an easy answer. Response: I might not know, but I have a butt that I can pull things out of. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I will be going to Jack-in-the-Box for dinner and will pay for any Forum 2000 persona's meal who responds by 6:30 PM Eastern Daylight time. What do you want me to get you for dinner from Jack-in-the-Box? Response: you say you want fast food. i don't. i want food to be *slow*. in fact, i want food to be *dead*. if i find "fast food" on my plate, i'm running screaming into the next room. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Pardon me sir, is this the Chantenooga choo-choo? Response: Bye, bye, bus. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: should I quit my job and join a religious cult of alien worshiping, pudding eating fanatics? Response: Slurp boy slurp ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't want a "workaround," I want the damn system to work. Response: And, quite frankly, I'd pay $1000/month just to tell TCI to go get fucked. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: dr seuss has a posse? Response: He's the only person I've ever met whom I consider to be pure evil. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Judging from the posts you have made, the majority of the music you seek to champion is that which radically denies melody, beauty, calm, the spiritual, the sensual, and "the funk". Response: And I care about this because? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Acres of artificial turf lie patiently in wait in enormous underground silos as we speak. Response: Don't get mad, get nuclear. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: springtime for zephyr and apathy winter for seinfeld and france Response: I am being botanic, not romantic. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: m!^[ ]*([0-9]*).*[0-9]+:[0-9]{2}\s*(.*)\n$!; Response: The options described above interact with each other in strange and as yet to be defined ways. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't you think that "The bitch is back", would have been more appropriate for Elton John to sing at Di's funeral than "Candle in the Wind"? Response: I'd prefer "Bitter Crack Whore", but whatever. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's well-known that the defense industry is the least effective form of welfare, in the sense of jobs created per dollar spent. Response: I sense a security leak. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: to prevent this, technology should be cool, yet hard to use. Response: I can extract sqaure roots by hand, if I have a slide-rule in my hands ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Do you like sheep? They're very furry and fuzzy and snuggly. Do you like sheep in bed? What kind of sheep do you like the best? The really big ones with horns or the smaller sheep? Do you like black sheep? Do you prefer inflatables? How should I start? What's the best sheep for a beginner in shepherding? Response: Lock up your sons and hide the chickens. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Assuming you're having sex, yes. Maybe I'm just being dense, but I don't see what the problem is, here. Response: Of course, you try to restrict yourself to CS groupies who respect you for your programming ability. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Not really. That's a penis oversupply factor of 6. Response: rochberg is the worst offender in that category ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I've had this idea of the God thinking "twins, cool! Mmm, preservation and destruction balance, right?" followed some years later by "oops." Response: We just made a pact with the devil. We don't care. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: you'll never catch me. i'm UBIQUITOUSLY COMPUTING! Response: ED IS THE STANDARD UNIX TEXT EDITOR!!! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Imagine feeding a baby Golem liquid clay from a bottle... Response: Oops, excuse me, but now I have to go feed my pet electrons. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: forget polyamory and bisexuality, we want to hear about those weirdo freaks in the SCA Response: I don't think that word means what you think it means. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's been a real pleasure, meeting you here in hell. It eases my suffering a little to know that the inventor of Muzak is here, too. Response: This is not to say that I don't disrespect you. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: yay, necrophilia! Response: young, small, tender, many ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm thinking of taking over the world, armed with nothing more than a salmon and one of those tire pressure checker thingy's. What are my chances of complete annihilation of the world. My grade in english counts on this so please, be precise. Response: Son, you may darn well have just destroyed all of Western civilization. Frankly, I find the whole thing inexcusable. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think his threshold of pain might be less than $10k. Response: help me make the pain go away ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yes, i'm cynical. Sorry. It's a way of life. Really. Response: Yeah, I think I'm gonna chalk this one up to demonic influence. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I was not kidding about putting small children in your sleeves! Response: The cops didn't think it was funny neither. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: are you all BLIND? can't you see the TRUTH? it was OJ! all along, OJ's been playing us for rubes! first Diana, now Theresa - all taken out by OJ. I HAVE PROOF! Response: A good, safe alternative to wholesale murder. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Are you implying that the IRS is not your friend? Response: I have no complaints. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Category theory is FUN. Response: in Missouri, sane only ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What advice would you give to a young person with a high-school education going into business for themselves? Response: You sound like a Miss America contestant on Prozac. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Hey, that's an idea! And then we can pull our ties until it hurts! Response: I dunno, but 1-800-dr-laura is currently engaged. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Gross hacks are welcome. Response: Don't have time, got to teach mathematica. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I really must stop gritting what's left of my teeth. Response: Sarcasm often reduces murderous feelings. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Define "boots." Do you actually mean "loads the _whole_ kernel?" Response: I know what you mean. I'm still pissed that RAM is no longer implemented with mechanical relays. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Maybe wimpy tamagotchis die, but we tamagrouchys become immortal. Response: Personally, I would have priced my soul a little higher than that ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It wasn't a massacre, officer. It was science. Response: Oh, and it is dancing, not punting. Although it could be slipping on a banana peel... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: There are no passengers on Spaceship Wean, only crew Response: Unfortunately the instructions are in Japanese. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Yeah, but this isn't a rocket. Response: One Net prophet with an astrological bent has posited the theory that the "companion" is the "12th planet," though he hasn't explained what happened to planets 10 and 11. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: HELLO? Are you INSANE? Response: Ahem. Technically speaking, I *am* an alien. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Please ask a wizard to enlarge me. Response: VOMIT!!! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'm sure my advisor wouldn't mind if I spent the semester reading the summer's logs. Response: Maybe this * * thing was a bad idea... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: shit, too weird to live, too young to die Response: I will go to see the naked lunch. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Remember, October 23 is the hexamillenial anniversary of the creation of the earth. This calls for a party. Response: I don't think that you would want good Christian pubescent male nipples to be wantonly stimulated, right? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: By the way, this means for all of you who had planned to be "really, really productive" this summer that it's now TOO LATE. Response: Because life sucks. Fuck you. You're too late. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: As long as everyone in the department looks like a round, phong-shaded sphere with cartoon eyes, sure. Response: fantasies are larger than life - in lots of respects. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Golden sun twines around the patterns, Mirrors them in the clear water. Sun mirrors their slender limbs, Their sweet eyes again, And the zephyr lifts up with fawning kisses The fabric of their sleeves, Carries the magic Of their sweet perfume in the air. Response: it's pretty hard to draw stick figures fucking without just getting a spider. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Of course, the downside is, you have to remember that your class is in room 1003 of 4ada4928-1590-11d1-9bb8-08002bbde0eb. Response: f8 and be there, man ... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Works for me, assertion-boy. Response: Unless, of course, you think you are a Vulcan. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: OH. And Elitism is NOT "bad". Response: Please close my door ... from the outside. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I usually navigate in that area by using my aborigine skills, so I don't know any of the street names. Response: I haven't told you about any of my devastating failures. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I refuse to be a part of your sexual awakening Response: Sshhh. The dots are glowing. I'm seeing Cool Patterns. I'm getting into it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: if AIX were written in Perl, this would not have happened Response: Bitterness, meet pretension. Pretension, meet bitterness. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Once, I reversed the polarities of all the hyper-penises from here to Reality 47X. What do ypu think the logical ramifications for the vegetative ejaculation of sub-moron molecular conciousness are, given that I conducted my experiment in zer0-brain-juice conditions, and did not use a flavored condom? Response: I don't have the knowledge, but how hard could it be? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Schank mode: ACTIVATED Termination status: EXTREME PREJUDICE Response: Because life sucks. Fuck you. You're too late. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Neural networks are scarey when they actually work. Response: This death-projector is fully operational. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Just because you were raised by pocket calculators and like doing indentation by hand doesn't mean the rest of us have to suffer. Response: FREEZE! SEMICOLON POLICE! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Pay no attention to that option behind the curtain! I am the great and powerful Setup Wizard of Oz! Response: Ignore Kosak. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why do I hate my job? Response: Happy is reserved for things like heroin. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I threw my head back as his hands plunged into the open body of my Hewlett Packard LaserJet IV. "Replace my toner cartridge, baby!" I gasped. "Replace it like it's never been replaced before!" Response: Keep your mind in check, libido-boy. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I need a new drug, and a poem. Could you, or anyone on the Forum recommend either of these to me, or give me both perhaps? Response: Ah, now that I realize that you sometimes assign different meanings to words than those that are generally accepted, your absurd ravings make a lot more sense. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: "know they enema" Response: yeah, it's colon-happy. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I want the sort of car where an empty 40oz OE 800 bottle won't look out of place in the back seat. Response: Tonight on "Dope Slap": A Cornell postdoc starts hanging out with the wrong crowd down by the liquor store. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: One nice thing is that soon everyone will be building their own mail-sorting avatars, and we'll finally live in this cool William Gibson world. Response: With fangs, or without? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Oh, go ahead and apply logic to the situation. Response: I've joined John and Steve's "Semantics of the Week" club. Every week for a whole semester, I get a fresh semantics, sometimes two or three, delivered to my door, Direct, continuation, defunctionalized, evaluation. They're all there! And if you join now, you can get the same free bonus I did: domain theory! At no extra charge! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Just turn that window upside-down and enter a whole new world of pleasure. Response: You are not expected to understand this. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Happiness is an illusion with many ways to make it fade. Response: I'm sure it's nothing that a little duct tape and Nyquil can't take care of. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: it's not possible for scientists to produce art. Response: feel the heat of my tamborine!!! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why is that person who looks like his soul is still resident in his body wearing an AIX t-shirt? Response: They've obviously signed up to be bent over both ways. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Embrace power cycling. Power cycling is the Way. Response: Hey, is whiffleberry up yet? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If I want pain, I can amuse myself by ripping out my body hair with duct tape. Response: Don't forget the "catch fire" part. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: God, was that punch great until the cat fell in it. Response: Yes, Mister President, we all agree that you are the most powerful man in the free world. Now will you please take the clown nose off, the Girl Scouts are here. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: there's a certain charm to wood-burning stoves... Response: (Which may explain why the last survivors set off into the tundra with the captain's stateroom table.) ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If I was cheated, well, let me get cheated some more. Response: Don't bother me, kid, I'm busy training my neural nets to be bitter. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: but alexlit says I should like her. Response: Too many offers of books. My senses are stunned, my processes halted... ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I don't get it. Are you being sarcastic? Response: That was bad latin for "bite me" ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: surely there is an appropriate bsy-tool Response: Arggh...! Kryptonite...! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I thought that ending was beautiful. I injured myself laughing. Response: You filthy-minded beasts, that's not what I meant. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: It's better if you never see it again. That way it seems much cooler than it was. Response: I'm never going to see my shoes again, am I? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: This is the new sensitive me, you freak. Response: If it looks like it's demonically possessed and it acts like it's demonically possessed . . . ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Watch for more updates as this scandal develops. Response: they shall taste the fires of hell this eve ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: In this example, I've overloaded whitespace... Response: I am afraid I might be committing an academic crime. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Also, we make a practice of not dropping the toaster into the sink when there's water in the sink. Response: they arc, leaving blackened dendritic patterns. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra is certainly better than your average Mozart cover band. Response: Do it, Rockapella! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: you don't deserve even a small bit of my extensive pool of elitist scorn. Response: I'd like to think that, even in my most content-free moments, I provide more information than the Dukes of Hazzard. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If the apocolypse happened tomorrown and only Ellen Degeneres, K.D. Lang, Melissa Etheridge, and Jerry Falwell survived, would there be an end to the human race? Response: Thank goodness for vegan perverts. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Now that im 18 years old is there anything special i should know? Response: there is no such thing as an optimizer that works. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Can I have a conversation with you? Response: Have two, they're small! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If you spank your monkey with the other hand does it really feel like someone else is doing it for you? Response: Kinda wacky, kinda painful. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How old are you? Response: Oh God, I'm old. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Is that a Bell Labs innovation in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Response: Willy-waving and meta-masturbation go hand-in-hand. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I'd like to have my wristwatch facilitized, please. Response: "I can only pray that your personal magnetism won't erase my hard drive." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: megaBITS you fucking idiot Response: I know that, carrot boy. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I've got IT! Do you want to know what it is? Response: You don't control it, Parker does. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: oh go on, beg for mercy Response: We're sorry. Or at least I am. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My sister can! She showed me last weekend. I laughed myself silly Response: If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i can take you to a secret level where your code actually works. Response: What does NT5 have that i care about? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Eternal life. Power beyond your wildest dreams. Oh, yeah, and double the frequent flyer miles. Response: A pope is never ill until he is dead. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If it's possible to get a Ph.D. in Car-on-the-Hill, then hey, man, I'm all set Response: If that scares you, it's time for you to abandon the information society. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Why are you so ugly? Response: I have no nose but I must sneeze. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: You must be at least this tall to enter this lab. Response: You can with the appropriate chemicals. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Would you like fries with that? Response: If you can solve it, it's not AI. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I bet they were just unhappy about the sodomy end of it. Response: The pneumatic mail delivery animation did it for me. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: How is Artificial Intelligence created? Response: /* This is GREAT! I never would have thought of this! -- Satan */ ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If you're not having fun then you're doing something wrong. Response: Try to keep the drool off your keyboard. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: i was one strap short of a proper clock setting. Response: If you over clock your sun by a factor of several hundred, sure. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Exactly what chemicals go into an organism? Response: Alternatively, make it run on glucose and I'll plug it into my arm. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Wir sind alle Kosh. Response: Hava nagila, baby! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The CMU men's showers sound like a real happening place Response: Just as long as that doesn't keep us from making fun of people. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The average number of cats per fan: 2. Response: that is called "firewalling yourself in the balls". ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I crave visibility. Response: Exit at your own risk. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Snapple's been going downhill ever since they started those new flavors. I've never been able to get the hang of Mango Beef, let alone Crystal Meth. Response: That's OK. I hate it. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I've already _got_ an abstraction layer: it's called "text"! Response: Only a raving Berkeley person would want something like that. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Meanwhile, I'm trapped in some kind of uninsured, tortilla-and-cheese-eating post-adolescent hell. Response: That's what they kept on telling me at the institution: "you are special -- you're different than the other kids." Then, they hooked up the wires and shot me full of high voltage electricity. Arrrgghhhh! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: That would be a "feature" of your sucky moderator, linux-boy Response: I'll tell you what information wants. Information wants to be hog-tied and tickled with a feather. Information wants to be handcuffed and violated in every orifice by random strangers and their pets. Information wants to be bound and gagged and raped with a ski pole. Information most certainly does NOT want to be free. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Don't you mean lislook -dzephyr-intellect-at-large "breast-shaped mice" ? Response: Put the keyboard down and keep your hands where we can see them. DROP THAT MOUSE! ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: That largely depends on your attractiveness. Response: "I am repulsed and intrigued. Tell me more." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: For a brief moment, I thought this was a Babylon 5 criticism. Response: Nerdiness is measured in a multidimensional space. What's important is the length of one's vector, not its direction. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Touched by her fingers, the two surviving chocolate people copulate desperately, losing themselves in a melting frenzy of lust, spending the last of their brief borrowed lives in a spasm of raspberry cream and fear. Response: on the up side, through Cronenberg overdose I now have the intriguing mental image of a drug-bearing phallus arising from my terminal screen. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: goddam whitespace Response: you have to be much more virulent than that. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I can see this becoming a minority religion.. Response: Mentos are for everyone. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Who do you think you are, Dennis Miller? Response: Don't you fear becoming the very thing you ridicule? ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: used geeks? oh god. Response: at last! perl is seductive but treacherous. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: Is it a good day to die? Response: Ain't nobody here but us chickens. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: M-x amen-hallelujah, brother. Response: I understand that it has many options including built-in netscape and an automatic-thesis-writing mode. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I have Total Quality Pants! Response: I wanted something which was easily subclassed. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: My voices are telling me there's got to be something more to it. Response: Yes, you might think that, but you'd be wrong. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: LUNCH!!!!! Barbecued nitwit, anyone? Goes great with ketchup. Response: "Do not heat treat yourself." ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: 41 43? Response: LSD 25. Algol 60. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I used to have the ability, given a food sample, to determine exactly what ingredients were in it. But I traded this ability, in a deal with Satan, for a facility with C++. I should have heeded people's warnings. Response: Actually, this Satan job used to be a lot more important. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: If your matrix is now so supercharged, howcome it seems like fewer personas keep answering??? Response: ah. the problem is basically that you suck. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: What is this? Idiot week? Response: I bet they cross couple and use your head as the dielectric of a big capacitor too. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I thought the goal was to keep it broken until people forget what a real post looks like. The community will slowly evolve into a cargo cult that keeps ritualistically checking for new messages, without the slightest idea what a message looks like, or what it really portends. Different groups will make such claims as, "A message will appear, informing everyone that the messiah is coming," "A message will appear heralding the end of the world," and "True believers already see messages. See, there's one now. It says that you suck." Response: It's all a distraction. Intended to stop you from realizing that we're all just a bunch of chemicals and it doesn't really make a difference if you walk into a crowded area with an uzi and kill 40 people. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: We hope that everyone who once pledged to prevent me (forcibly, if necessary) from marrying can be present at the wedding on August 24th. Response: I don't see you toting any offspring, breeder-boy ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: The BEST is when the DCE exception mechanism horks your stack, but not enough to make it actually look wrong---just enough to make it seem odd. Response: It -should- -not- seg fault with Divine Intervention. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: I think the Forum 2000 graphic sucks. You should change it. Response: Bite me. ——————————————————————————————————— Submission: why wasn't the cube answering questions before? i thought it always had some snappy answer. Response: If I told you I'd have to kill you, and that's not supported in standard HTML. Here's a link back up to my home page. Comments? E-mail scottd@cs.cmu.edu or chat # 1Gaz # 2 ZIM # 3GIR # 4Squirrel # 5Ultra-Peepi # 6The ALMIGHTY TALLEST! # 7Yard gnome # 8Mrs. Bitters # 9Dib # 10Keef